My journey is underway, inching along, bit by bit. I'd like to return to writing, but I guess we'll see how it goes.
Be well.
Be Well
Well, it's been over a year since my last post, in which I said I was starting off on a search for inner peace. I had intended to keep a record but life came and life went, and before I knew it -- here we are.
In Search of Inner Peace: Beginnings
"Write hard and clear about what hurts." - Ernest Hemingway
---
When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up. I couldn't wait to grow up because I had this vision in my mind, this idea, that when I was older, everything was going to be okay. Everything was going to be right, everything was going to be as it should be. I was going to be okay, I was going to be fixed -- I wasn't going to be sick anymore.
I'm not sure what put this idea in my head, but I just couldn't imagine a future where I was still sick. Surely, it had to end. But high school came and went, then 18, 19, 20, and.... nothing. Nothing changed.
I feel betrayed by my body. I feel angry and cheated. This isn't how it's supposed to be, this isn't how it's supposed to work, but that's just it - it doesn't work. Something went haywire in my immune system and instead of functioning properly, it can't tell the difference between healthy and foreign cells, so it goes into overdrive, leading to joints that swell and bones that ache, skin cells that don't know when to stop reproducing, causing bright red patches across my face and limbs, and leaving a body and mind that feel tired beyond their years.
So here I am at 23, feeling betrayed and tired. But also feeling like I'm finally ready to come to terms with my body, my reality, myself. There are a lot of things that I've kept bottled up my entire life, things I've never faced or vocalized or worked through, things that have caused so much inner turmoil and anxiety. But I think I am finally ready to start letting go and to start on this journey of searching for inner peace. I'll try to be as brutally honest, transparent, and vulnerable as I could possibly be -- feel free to come along for the ride.
---
I feel betrayed by my body. I feel angry and cheated. This isn't how it's supposed to be, this isn't how it's supposed to work, but that's just it - it doesn't work. Something went haywire in my immune system and instead of functioning properly, it can't tell the difference between healthy and foreign cells, so it goes into overdrive, leading to joints that swell and bones that ache, skin cells that don't know when to stop reproducing, causing bright red patches across my face and limbs, and leaving a body and mind that feel tired beyond their years.
So here I am at 23, feeling betrayed and tired. But also feeling like I'm finally ready to come to terms with my body, my reality, myself. There are a lot of things that I've kept bottled up my entire life, things I've never faced or vocalized or worked through, things that have caused so much inner turmoil and anxiety. But I think I am finally ready to start letting go and to start on this journey of searching for inner peace. I'll try to be as brutally honest, transparent, and vulnerable as I could possibly be -- feel free to come along for the ride.
Mine
overly expressive, overly expectant
I want to pick those words out of your brain and put them back in mine because they were never meant to be yours to hold and neither was I
neither was I, neither did I know what I was doing,
what was I doing but you were doing it too wishful thinking longing sighs daydreams in our minds
daydreams in our minds but we've long awoken
I don't remember what I said. But I remember how it felt to be met with silence. Overly expressive, overly expectant. I the want to pick those words out of your brain and put them back in mine because they were never meant to be yours to hold and neither was I.
Solitude
I'm filled with an insatiable desire for solitude. It's always with me, tucked away in the corners of mind, always waiting to be acknowledged. I forget about it from time to time, but it's always there, and I always come back to it. And the coming back is always overwhelming but it's always a homecoming. It's something that I haven't been able to lose and I don't know if it's something that I'll ever be able to lose or if it's something that's always going to be there, always going to be waiting for me to give it attention, always waiting for me. Waiting for me to be a stranger among strangers because I guess that's where I imagine myself finding peace for myself and from myself and finding something, something that I'm searching for and hoping to find one day on the outskirts of everything I know and hoping, hoping for something that I don't know but all I know now, right now, is that I'm filled with an insatiable desire for solitude.
tired
I feel like I've been underwater for the past month and I'm finally trying to catch a breath but instead of relief I just feel
tired.
tired.
23 Lessons Learned Over 23 Years
Hearts break in different ways - from love, from hate, from distance, from indifference. It takes some time, and sometimes a little whiskey, but they'll always mend in the end.
There's nothing wrong with not having your life figured out at any given moment; there's nothing wrong with taking it day by day; there's nothing wrong with just living.
It's okay to find and lose and find and lose and find your faith on your own terms.
If where you live makes you miserable, move.
For the most part, people just want to be heard. Be as present as possible when someone is talking to you, especially when it's about something that's been clawing at them, something that they need to get off their chest, something that takes effort to say. Just because you're sitting next to someone doesn't mean you're really there.
It's hard to hate your body when you're in awe of what it can do for you.
If you need to make yourself feel better, do something kind and thoughtful for someone else.
You have the right to cut toxic relationships out of your life, no matter what they may be. You are not obligated to appease anyone at the sake of your own well-being and mental health.
Age is a feeling more than it is a number.
Everyone is fighting their own demons, so do your best to be kind.
Don't compare your life's trajectory to that of your peers - everyone finds success and happiness in different ways, and they come in different forms.
There are many things to be learned from our furry best friends: how to love unconditionally, how to be loyal, how to not hold grudges, how to be carefree, how to always be ready and willing to receive love.
Be generous - with your time, your money, and your love. Being selfish is easy, but it will make you bitter in the end.
Losing sleep is always worth it if it means you can be there for a friend.
Everyone has their vices. Don't feel too guilty about them if they're all that help you get through the day, just be sure to stay safe.
Sometimes, all you can do for someone is be alone with them - words and actions aren't always necessary.
Apologize when you've done or said something wrong, otherwise your stubbornness will just come back to bite you.
When you put positive energy out into the universe, it comes back to you.
You can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped, but that doesn't mean you should never try.
Spending several days in your room watching Netflix or reading books or playing music or writing stories is perfectly okay. We recuperate in different ways - if you need to be alone, be alone. Don't let anyone guilt you into not taking time for yourself.
Don't underestimate the power of compassion.
Make sure the people you love know that you love them; it's better to be overly affectionate than overly reserved.
There's always more to learn.
There's nothing wrong with not having your life figured out at any given moment; there's nothing wrong with taking it day by day; there's nothing wrong with just living.
It's okay to find and lose and find and lose and find your faith on your own terms.
If where you live makes you miserable, move.
For the most part, people just want to be heard. Be as present as possible when someone is talking to you, especially when it's about something that's been clawing at them, something that they need to get off their chest, something that takes effort to say. Just because you're sitting next to someone doesn't mean you're really there.
It's hard to hate your body when you're in awe of what it can do for you.
If you need to make yourself feel better, do something kind and thoughtful for someone else.
You have the right to cut toxic relationships out of your life, no matter what they may be. You are not obligated to appease anyone at the sake of your own well-being and mental health.
Age is a feeling more than it is a number.
Everyone is fighting their own demons, so do your best to be kind.
Don't compare your life's trajectory to that of your peers - everyone finds success and happiness in different ways, and they come in different forms.
There are many things to be learned from our furry best friends: how to love unconditionally, how to be loyal, how to not hold grudges, how to be carefree, how to always be ready and willing to receive love.
Be generous - with your time, your money, and your love. Being selfish is easy, but it will make you bitter in the end.
Losing sleep is always worth it if it means you can be there for a friend.
Everyone has their vices. Don't feel too guilty about them if they're all that help you get through the day, just be sure to stay safe.
Sometimes, all you can do for someone is be alone with them - words and actions aren't always necessary.
Apologize when you've done or said something wrong, otherwise your stubbornness will just come back to bite you.
When you put positive energy out into the universe, it comes back to you.
You can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped, but that doesn't mean you should never try.
Spending several days in your room watching Netflix or reading books or playing music or writing stories is perfectly okay. We recuperate in different ways - if you need to be alone, be alone. Don't let anyone guilt you into not taking time for yourself.
Don't underestimate the power of compassion.
Make sure the people you love know that you love them; it's better to be overly affectionate than overly reserved.
There's always more to learn.
honey
i.
honey -
on the tip of my tongue it lingers
honey -
how was your day?
honey -
on the tip of my tongue it lingers
honey -
how was your day?
I want to wrap you up and around between my arms with my legs squeezing you tight hoping to make you feel the warmth that's swelling from my chest and I want to call you
honey
honey
ii.
honey -
but we're not quite there
honey -
so I bite it back
honey -
but we're not quite there
honey -
so I bite it back
Speaking to me softly thoughts swirling around this way and that wondering do you don't you will you won't you but I won't let myself linger because I could get stuck in your words of
honey
honey
iii.
I think that you could love me so sweetly
like honey
but I'm scared to ask you to try
I think that you could love me so sweetly
like honey
but I'm scared to ask you to try
A Series of Non Sequiturial Thoughts: pt. II
There have been so many things that I've been wanting to, needing to, write about, but I just haven't quite been able to do it, and everything is now bubbling, bubbling under the surface and slowly leaking in and out of my mind and I can't stop dwelling on so many different thoughts and feelings and so here it now leads to another series of non sequiturial thoughts.
I'm so torn about who I am and what I believe and how I feel; there are so many contradictions and inconsistencies and paradoxes swirling inside of me, I can't make sense of anything. I am so confident yet so insecure at the same time, I feel so worthy and worthless in the same breath, I feel so hopeful and hopeless all at once, I'm running out of breath just running around in my own head.
I'm still wondering if non sequiturial is even a word and finding it strange that we can convince ourselves that a word is a word by repeating it over and over again until the very idea of it not being a word becomes absurd, just as it is the same with all of the other delusions in our lives that we convince ourselves are reality -- repetition remains key, to perfection and likewise to destruction.
I went a little delirious last weekend and I'm glad that I have a fever to blame it on because I look back at that broken, crying mess and think, "Who is that?" I don't recognize that girl who laid in bed crying over a disillusioned view of a boy, but I guess that was me and I guess I have to come to terms with it sooner or later.
Coming back to work was rough after a week and half of time off but I unknowingly gave myself an attitude check and came to the realization that there was much too much pride in my mind and I thought, "Wow, I need to really humble myself right now." And I did and instantly - my day was turned around and I've spent the past three days in the best mental mindset that I've experienced at work in the past six months.
I'm still just trying to be a good person and I just want someone as good as you to see something good in me, but I won't let you turn loving me into your own personal martyrdom.
I keep feeling like I'm drowning, momentarily, here and there, but I'm able to come up for air just enough to not drift away, but it's so exhausting that I just want to feel like I have someone on my team, something looking after me and leading me along.
I can't even imagine what this coming year will bring but I'm doing my best, I'm doing my very best to be my very best and so I'm keeping my eyes and my heart open wide and I just hope that you'll be with me, alongside me to talk me through it and maybe we can go through it together and maybe, maybe I'll soon be able to stop rambling and just -- breathe.
I'm so torn about who I am and what I believe and how I feel; there are so many contradictions and inconsistencies and paradoxes swirling inside of me, I can't make sense of anything. I am so confident yet so insecure at the same time, I feel so worthy and worthless in the same breath, I feel so hopeful and hopeless all at once, I'm running out of breath just running around in my own head.
I'm still wondering if non sequiturial is even a word and finding it strange that we can convince ourselves that a word is a word by repeating it over and over again until the very idea of it not being a word becomes absurd, just as it is the same with all of the other delusions in our lives that we convince ourselves are reality -- repetition remains key, to perfection and likewise to destruction.
I went a little delirious last weekend and I'm glad that I have a fever to blame it on because I look back at that broken, crying mess and think, "Who is that?" I don't recognize that girl who laid in bed crying over a disillusioned view of a boy, but I guess that was me and I guess I have to come to terms with it sooner or later.
Coming back to work was rough after a week and half of time off but I unknowingly gave myself an attitude check and came to the realization that there was much too much pride in my mind and I thought, "Wow, I need to really humble myself right now." And I did and instantly - my day was turned around and I've spent the past three days in the best mental mindset that I've experienced at work in the past six months.
I'm still just trying to be a good person and I just want someone as good as you to see something good in me, but I won't let you turn loving me into your own personal martyrdom.
I keep feeling like I'm drowning, momentarily, here and there, but I'm able to come up for air just enough to not drift away, but it's so exhausting that I just want to feel like I have someone on my team, something looking after me and leading me along.
I can't even imagine what this coming year will bring but I'm doing my best, I'm doing my very best to be my very best and so I'm keeping my eyes and my heart open wide and I just hope that you'll be with me, alongside me to talk me through it and maybe we can go through it together and maybe, maybe I'll soon be able to stop rambling and just -- breathe.
Faith
Faith is better understood as a verb than as a noun, as a process than as a possession. It is on-again-off-again rather than once-and-for-all. Faith is not being sure where you're going, but going anyway. A journey without maps. Tillich said that doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
- Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Seeker's ABC
Sad Song
Sing me a sad song to keep the melancholy at bay, sing me a sad song to make me wish you would stay.
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