Familiar Faces
I am so incredibly glad that it's break. If that semester had lasted any longer, I would've lost it. Well, more than I already did hah. But this break has been just what I needed. Even though I can't sleep very well, it's really nice to not have to get out of bed at a certain time. And my friends -- they are what I needed. Especially seeing my best friends. I was able to spend hours talking over coffee and shopping with Nelya, I've been seeing Laura every single day, I got to spend the evening at the mall and have a very long late-night Mel's dinner with Tim, and I'm seeing Angela tomorrow. And my sailor's come home, everyone's coming in from school, and just spending time together. It's just wonderful. I'm not in the best of spirits all of the time, but these dear faces sure do help it.
[blank]
When did I become this person? What a mess. I need to go get lost somewhere in nature for a while.
Realizations
I've realized that I sometimes make snide or snarky remarks that are completely unwarranted in an effort to keep others at arm's length.
I've realized that I don't tell people how much I really care.
I've realized that I'm not as sure of things as I'd like to believe I am.
I've realized that I expect more from others than I'm willing to give.
I've realized that I keep taking a step forward, but then two steps back.
I've realized that I'm finding it really hard to see the beauty and good in the world as a whole.
I've realized that I spend too much time inside my head.
I've realized that I don't tell people how much I really care.
I've realized that I'm not as sure of things as I'd like to believe I am.
I've realized that I expect more from others than I'm willing to give.
I've realized that I keep taking a step forward, but then two steps back.
I've realized that I'm finding it really hard to see the beauty and good in the world as a whole.
I've realized that I spend too much time inside my head.
Stressed
My good God, I don't remember the last time I was this stressed. Granted, it is partially my fault. I know exactly what I do to myself when I procrastinate, but this past week just decided to throw some curve balls with several extenuating circumstances. And I'm back to not being able to sleep, so that's really not helping in the least bit (if you could imagine such a thought).
I'm so emotionally drained.
This week needs to be over.
I need to be able to sleep and surround myself with those amazing people that I've been blessed with.
But I know that when I get home I still won't be sleeping and I'll just want to be alone.
asdjkflcldhfk.
I'm so emotionally drained.
This week needs to be over.
I need to be able to sleep and surround myself with those amazing people that I've been blessed with.
But I know that when I get home I still won't be sleeping and I'll just want to be alone.
asdjkflcldhfk.
Trapped
Silent thoughts. Incoherent feelings. Wordless musings. Swirling, rushing -- all wanting to get out, to be heard, to be free. But the words are lost. Staring at a blank page, and finding nothing. Internal turmoil, but simultaneous peace. A feeling of belonging, side by side with a sense of complete disconnect. Utterly lost, and yet found. All of this, and more, and more, filling up my heart and my mind -- but unable to escape.
Wanted: Mountains
I want to go on a hike.
Not a stroll through a forest across some hills (although that is enjoyable), but a real hike. I want to feel the strain of my muscles as I climb up, the dirt underneath my fingernails as I claw at the earth. I want to breathe in deeply nature's fresh, crisp air and be rewarded with a magnificent view once I've gone as far as I can go. I want to spend hours climbing and walking and pushing myself to my limits. I want to go on a hike that leaves you in bed the whole next day, that causes your entire body to ache. It's a good kind of pain, the kind that is rewarding, that tells you how alive you are and how much you can accomplish.
I need to go find some mountains.
Not a stroll through a forest across some hills (although that is enjoyable), but a real hike. I want to feel the strain of my muscles as I climb up, the dirt underneath my fingernails as I claw at the earth. I want to breathe in deeply nature's fresh, crisp air and be rewarded with a magnificent view once I've gone as far as I can go. I want to spend hours climbing and walking and pushing myself to my limits. I want to go on a hike that leaves you in bed the whole next day, that causes your entire body to ache. It's a good kind of pain, the kind that is rewarding, that tells you how alive you are and how much you can accomplish.
I need to go find some mountains.
safe
Your words, they sounds so sweet
telling me terrible tales of truth
inviting me to believe, to partake
and I do.
Oh your honey-stricken words,
I could get lost in their smooth sounding songs, in your sighs
speak to me stranger, lover, friend -
I'm hanging on to every breath you breathe.
Take me, move me with your tales
even if they're not true
especially if they're not true
spin me those soft soothing whispers, surrender your mind and your musings
and don't fret darling
they're safe with me, beside me
we're safe here.
telling me terrible tales of truth
inviting me to believe, to partake
and I do.
Oh your honey-stricken words,
I could get lost in their smooth sounding songs, in your sighs
speak to me stranger, lover, friend -
I'm hanging on to every breath you breathe.
Take me, move me with your tales
even if they're not true
especially if they're not true
spin me those soft soothing whispers, surrender your mind and your musings
and don't fret darling
they're safe with me, beside me
we're safe here.
In Time
I've been selfish, I've been shrewd. I've been cold and short tempered. I've been dreaming of leaving everything behind, of running from it all - the good, the bad, the joy, the pain - all because it would make things easier for me. It would keep me from getting hurt, it would make life more manageable for me, it would give me more time to breathe and not be caught up in all of life's problems. Me, me, me, me.
I'm sorry.
I've been so caught up in this delusion of solitude, caught up in the aims of making my own life simpler, I failed to see just how selfish my mindset had become. Life's not about taking the easy way out; it's not about doing what makes it easiest for you. At least, that's not what I want my life to be about. I want to be able to help others find peace and happiness. I want the people that I love so dearly to feel that love, and to feel joy. I want to be willing to sacrifice my time, my efforts, my sanity, whatever it takes -- just in hopes that they will find what they are searching for.
I'm far from being the person I want to be. But I'm hoping that in time, I'll get there. It won't be easy. It will inevitably bring pain. But it will be worth it.
I'm sorry.
I've been so caught up in this delusion of solitude, caught up in the aims of making my own life simpler, I failed to see just how selfish my mindset had become. Life's not about taking the easy way out; it's not about doing what makes it easiest for you. At least, that's not what I want my life to be about. I want to be able to help others find peace and happiness. I want the people that I love so dearly to feel that love, and to feel joy. I want to be willing to sacrifice my time, my efforts, my sanity, whatever it takes -- just in hopes that they will find what they are searching for.
I'm far from being the person I want to be. But I'm hoping that in time, I'll get there. It won't be easy. It will inevitably bring pain. But it will be worth it.
wishful breath
I wish for the mountains
for the crisp cool air
for the wind to wisp through my hair to sting my cheeks
to take me away to take me to another place
somewhere far somewhere new yet I know
it will feel like home.
And I will breathe in a new breath a new life and breathe out
this bitter cold
for the crisp cool air
for the wind to wisp through my hair to sting my cheeks
to take me away to take me to another place
somewhere far somewhere new yet I know
it will feel like home.
And I will breathe in a new breath a new life and breathe out
this bitter cold
Doubt
It's just one of those days where I find myself doubting anything and everything. Even the things I hold most true, even the things I hold closest to my heart, even you.
I don't know why, I don't have any explanation - I just know I have a feeling of general discontent with everything I hear, I read, I know. And I can't quite decide if it is a feeling of the heart or one of the mind, if it is logic that is telling me to be doubtful or if it is my gut. I'm just unsettled.
And confused. Particularly concerning past decisions - whether I did the best thing in choosing this or sharing that; I just can't seem to determine whether I made the best choices. This is not to be mistaken with regret, I do not regret, I just can't help but wonder the age old question of "what if I had chosen/done/said ____ instead." These thoughts are just as pointless as regret, for nothing will change the outcome or the future that is to come, but yet...
I am generally sure of myself. I am generally confident in what I do, what I believe, what I choose. But yet I am unable to shake this doubt.
I don't know why, I don't have any explanation - I just know I have a feeling of general discontent with everything I hear, I read, I know. And I can't quite decide if it is a feeling of the heart or one of the mind, if it is logic that is telling me to be doubtful or if it is my gut. I'm just unsettled.
And confused. Particularly concerning past decisions - whether I did the best thing in choosing this or sharing that; I just can't seem to determine whether I made the best choices. This is not to be mistaken with regret, I do not regret, I just can't help but wonder the age old question of "what if I had chosen/done/said ____ instead." These thoughts are just as pointless as regret, for nothing will change the outcome or the future that is to come, but yet...
I am generally sure of myself. I am generally confident in what I do, what I believe, what I choose. But yet I am unable to shake this doubt.
Lucid
I want to sleep forever and reside in my dreams
To frolic through a collage of different specticles and scenes
An escape from the insufferable, cruel world at large
I want to sleep forever
I want to sleep forever so I can live in my dreams
The ruler of the lands, the queen of all kings
With nothing to fear but the darkside of the conscience
I want to sleep forever
I want to sleep forever and fight my inner demons
Provide peace of mind for all bothered and exhausted
Float on utter bliss; those monsters, I'll never miss
I want to sleep forever
I want to sleep forever and never show sadness again
Bright, long-lasting smiles on weekly sullen days
Created and maintained in a variety of ways
I want to sleep forever
I want to sleep forever to erase everything
I want to sleep forever and feel warmth again
To bathe myself in content that won't ever end
Let me sleep forever
-Roberta Day, "Lucid"
To frolic through a collage of different specticles and scenes
An escape from the insufferable, cruel world at large
I want to sleep forever
I want to sleep forever so I can live in my dreams
The ruler of the lands, the queen of all kings
With nothing to fear but the darkside of the conscience
I want to sleep forever
I want to sleep forever and fight my inner demons
Provide peace of mind for all bothered and exhausted
Float on utter bliss; those monsters, I'll never miss
I want to sleep forever
I want to sleep forever and never show sadness again
Bright, long-lasting smiles on weekly sullen days
Created and maintained in a variety of ways
I want to sleep forever
I want to sleep forever to erase everything
I want to sleep forever and feel warmth again
To bathe myself in content that won't ever end
Let me sleep forever
-Roberta Day, "Lucid"
Desert Places
Snow falling and night falling fast, oh, fast
In a field I looked into going past,
And the ground almost covered smooth in snow,
But a few weeds and stubble showing last.
The woods around it have it -- it is theirs.
All animals are smothered in their lairs.
I am too absent-spirited to count;
The loneliness includes me unawares.
And lonely as it is that loneliness
Will be more lonely ere it will be less --
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow
With no expression, nothing to express.
They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
Between stars -- on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer to home
To scare myself with my own desert places.
-Robert Frost, "Desert Place"
In a field I looked into going past,
And the ground almost covered smooth in snow,
But a few weeds and stubble showing last.
The woods around it have it -- it is theirs.
All animals are smothered in their lairs.
I am too absent-spirited to count;
The loneliness includes me unawares.
And lonely as it is that loneliness
Will be more lonely ere it will be less --
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow
With no expression, nothing to express.
They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
Between stars -- on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer to home
To scare myself with my own desert places.
-Robert Frost, "Desert Place"
Nostalgia
Walking into a little shop by the name of "Country General Store," I was hit with a wave of pumpkin and cinnamon scents that sprouted from the candles littered about: it smelled like fall and winter. I was immediately taken back to feelings of home and of the holidays, and nostalgia hit me like a brick.
Overcome with reminiscence, I just stood there for a moment. I'd been so busy with school and work and life, I hadn't noticed how long it's been since I've been home and how long it will be until I go back. And then I realized just how much I miss it. I miss home and Ellie and especially my boys and especially my girls. There are so many wonderful, beautiful people that are so far away, I don't quite know what to do with myself. I guess there's not much I can do, but wait. So I'll be waiting for the holidays and the parties, for the fires and the chats, for the sweet reunions.
It's not often that I'm filled with such nostalgia, but when it does come around, it hits me hard. But all that's now left to say is, December, do hurry along and get here soon. There are so many I'd love to see and embrace. ♥
Overcome with reminiscence, I just stood there for a moment. I'd been so busy with school and work and life, I hadn't noticed how long it's been since I've been home and how long it will be until I go back. And then I realized just how much I miss it. I miss home and Ellie and especially my boys and especially my girls. There are so many wonderful, beautiful people that are so far away, I don't quite know what to do with myself. I guess there's not much I can do, but wait. So I'll be waiting for the holidays and the parties, for the fires and the chats, for the sweet reunions.
It's not often that I'm filled with such nostalgia, but when it does come around, it hits me hard. But all that's now left to say is, December, do hurry along and get here soon. There are so many I'd love to see and embrace. ♥
City Lights
I could really use a nice, long, night walk in the city. Downtown Seattle comes to mind, but that's just a dream. But what a wonderful dream it is... I can just imagine strolling the streets, wandering through Pike Place Market, gazing through the shop windows... ah, that sounds heavenly. I'm tired of this Southern California sun, this humidity, and this polluted air. I'm not saying that Seattle's much cleaner, but that bay air is just so nice. Riding on the ferry to Bainbridge Island or just meandering down Alki Beach, the breath of fresh air really is of fresh air. And when the rain falls, the whole world smells alive. And those lights, those bright city lights...I have no words to describe them. They simply beacon me home. I want to be lost on those streets, walking without an aim, just enjoying my own company. Or if you were there, too, that'd be grand -- I wouldn't mind a hand to hold. And we'd stroll in silence, just relishing in being alive.
Alone
It's at times like these that I wish I lived alone. Not because I have anything against my roommates, sometimes I just want to be alone. I want to be able to curl up on the couch and read a book or watch a movie in complete solitude. And especially on days and nights like these, I want to be able to just cry; cry without reservations and without questions. I want to be able to just let everything out and not have to deal with or face anyone. Because sometimes, I just need to be alone.
Forget Me Not
Over the weekend, Laura and I found a thrift store that had a ton of old post cards in several boxes. So being the curious and bored kids that we are, we leafed through them for a while. It was so amazing because a great deal of them were from the early 1900s! And also it really made us think. No one sends post cards any more. The things that were written on these cards ranged from "Just saying hi" to "Saw this and thought of you" to "The vacation is going great;" things that we would just text! I don't know, maybe it's really not that interesting, but I found it fascinating. And then I found this postcard.
As you can see, the front says "Forget me not." And then the note on the back says "Just a line to show you, you are not forgotten by the girl you can't forget."
If that is not the sweetest thing, I don't know what is. Just a simple, short, sweet love note. Too bad people don't do things like that anymore.
Give Thanks
We've all heard the saying "count your blessings," but I feel that many don't really consider it. It's one thing to just say it, but another to actually dwell on how many blessings you have in your life. I've just recently started making a little list on a note card at the end of the day of the things that I am thankful for from that day, and it's really helped put my life in a better perspective. We bitch and moan and complain about how this is wrong and how that needs to change, but when it really comes down to it...is your life really that bad? Do you really have that much to complain about? Or are you just being a little self-centered and need a reality check. I'm not saying that the problems we face in our lives are not hard to get through, but it's all about finding the silver lining. In the midst of all the toil and trouble, we need to look for the things that make it all manageable, the things - and especially the people - that make our burdens just a little bit lighter (or at least distract us from them). And give thanks for them. And never hesitate to tell them just how much they mean to you. Once this becomes habit, you will surely find life at least a little bit easier.
25 September 2011
Today was one of the best days that I've had in a really, really long time, maybe even ever. Laura (#2 best friend) came down for the weekend and after spending yesterday with the group in Hollywood, we took to the streets of Pomona for the day, just our little duo. We went to a tattoo parlor that I found online and Laura got her bellybutton pierced! But the amazing thing was that it happened to be located in an old-town area, that had faux cobblestone streets, and littered with antique shops. And it was marvelous.
I love looking through antiques, and browsing in thrift stores, because you can find so many little treasures. So we bought two disposable cameras and shot our whole day, documenting our store adventures and posing with random statues and fountains. The sun was shinning, but there was a cool breeze, and driving with the windows down, singing our hearts out brought out the most relaxed, peaceful feeling that I've ever felt. Our hearts and minds were light, we found so many treasures, and mingled with amazing people (and received life tips and got teased by a shop clerk).
Then we finished the day by going down to Huntington Beach. We stopped by various street vendors, saw a dog wearing sun glasses, listened to amazing bongo drum players, and walked down the pier.
These are some few words that I can write to describe this day. After such a long, stressful, anxious week, it was exactly what was needed. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to see sights like these, and especially to have Laura in my life. The way we became friends is so random and improbable, that you just know it was a Godsend. And for that I am so grateful.
I love looking through antiques, and browsing in thrift stores, because you can find so many little treasures. So we bought two disposable cameras and shot our whole day, documenting our store adventures and posing with random statues and fountains. The sun was shinning, but there was a cool breeze, and driving with the windows down, singing our hearts out brought out the most relaxed, peaceful feeling that I've ever felt. Our hearts and minds were light, we found so many treasures, and mingled with amazing people (and received life tips and got teased by a shop clerk).
Then we finished the day by going down to Huntington Beach. We stopped by various street vendors, saw a dog wearing sun glasses, listened to amazing bongo drum players, and walked down the pier.
These are some few words that I can write to describe this day. After such a long, stressful, anxious week, it was exactly what was needed. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to see sights like these, and especially to have Laura in my life. The way we became friends is so random and improbable, that you just know it was a Godsend. And for that I am so grateful.
I Miss Jack
I miss Jack.
I’m reminded of how he would just walk over and plop into my arms, as if he was a lapdog. He would nibble and bite, and bark till he got his way. He would sleep by my door and wake me up much too early, but always with kisses. He would be annoying and dull and handful, but he was wonderful. He was dumbdumb but knew how to manipulate you at the same time. He loved Ellie and always put up with her shit. He was cuddly and protective and sweet and stinky. He was perfect.
I miss Jack.
Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
The woods are lovely dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
- Robert Frost, from "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening"
My favorite Robert Frost poem and definitely relevant to my life right now.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
- Robert Frost, from "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening"
My favorite Robert Frost poem and definitely relevant to my life right now.
The Bro Zone
So many guys rant and rave about being in the 'friend zone,' but I wonder...have they ever considered the 'bro zone'? It can be a quite common phenomenon - a girl is friends with a boy and they become rather close, so close that he begins to view her as a 'bro.' Speaking as an honorary bro, I am well aware that this is a quite a privilege but I am simply attempting to shine a light on a possible consequence of this type of relationship -- the placing of the girl in the eternal bro zone.
Just as guys fear the friend zone, girl-bros don't necessarily wish to be placed in the eternal bro zone. Note that I say eternal bro zone, for in general, the bro zone is a wonderful place to be: neither party is attempting to impress the other, there is genuineness in the friendship, and so on and so forth. But what of when the feelings grow? We all know what happens when it is the girl who does not return the affections -- the boy is placed in the friend zone. And the same is when it is the opposite: the girl is placed in the eternal bro zone.
I'm not quite sure what point I'm trying to make with this. I am simply informing the public that the bro zone exists, and bros, please think twice before putting a girl in the eternal one.
Just as guys fear the friend zone, girl-bros don't necessarily wish to be placed in the eternal bro zone. Note that I say eternal bro zone, for in general, the bro zone is a wonderful place to be: neither party is attempting to impress the other, there is genuineness in the friendship, and so on and so forth. But what of when the feelings grow? We all know what happens when it is the girl who does not return the affections -- the boy is placed in the friend zone. And the same is when it is the opposite: the girl is placed in the eternal bro zone.
I'm not quite sure what point I'm trying to make with this. I am simply informing the public that the bro zone exists, and bros, please think twice before putting a girl in the eternal one.
Last Picnic
Before the fall rains come,
Let's have one more picnic,
Now that the leaves are turning color
And the grass is still green in places.
Bread, cheese and some black grapes
Ought to be enough,
And a bottle of red wine to toast the crows
Puzzled to find us sitting here.
If it gets cold - and it will - I'll hold you close.
Night will come early.
We'll watch the sky, hoping for a full moon
To light our way home.
And if there isn't one, we'll put all our trust
In your book of matches
And my sense of direction
As we grope our way in the dark.
- Charles Simic, "Last Picnic"
Let's have one more picnic,
Now that the leaves are turning color
And the grass is still green in places.
Bread, cheese and some black grapes
Ought to be enough,
And a bottle of red wine to toast the crows
Puzzled to find us sitting here.
If it gets cold - and it will - I'll hold you close.
Night will come early.
We'll watch the sky, hoping for a full moon
To light our way home.
And if there isn't one, we'll put all our trust
In your book of matches
And my sense of direction
As we grope our way in the dark.
- Charles Simic, "Last Picnic"
Maggie and Milly and Molly and May
maggie and milly and molly and may
went down to the beach (to play one day)
and maggie discovered a shell that sang
so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and
milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;
and molly was chased by a horrible thing
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and
may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone.
For whatever we lose (like a you or a me)
it's always ourselves we find in the sea
- e.e. cummings, "Maggie and Milly and Molly and May"
went down to the beach (to play one day)
and maggie discovered a shell that sang
so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and
milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;
and molly was chased by a horrible thing
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and
may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone.
For whatever we lose (like a you or a me)
it's always ourselves we find in the sea
- e.e. cummings, "Maggie and Milly and Molly and May"
Letting Go
It's time for letting go. Letting go of the past and of the wishful thinking, and accepting the present reality. Things are not the same as they were, and they never will be again. It doesn't matter how good they were back when, or how much history there is, they won't repeat themselves.
Things change, people change. I've been a fool to think that we could turn back the clock, to bring us to how we were. Yes, we did everything together. Yes, we spent many crucial days, months, years together. Yes, we had a good run. But that's history. That's a chapter of my life that's ended and frankly, ended quite a while ago. And I don't want things to go to the way they were because they simply wouldn't fit.
Times have changed, we have changed; we have grown. And while growing, we grew apart. Don't say that it's a shame, for it may seem that way right now, but there is a reason for it. The changes in our lives shape us, mold us, and this is just a part of it.
Trying to hang on to what isn't there will only bring bitterness and anger and sorrow, so I think it's due time for goodbye and for letting go. You'll always be there, inside my head and my heart, but for now, it's time to take a deep breath -- and move on.
I'll shed no more tears, and drink to the memories.
♥
Things change, people change. I've been a fool to think that we could turn back the clock, to bring us to how we were. Yes, we did everything together. Yes, we spent many crucial days, months, years together. Yes, we had a good run. But that's history. That's a chapter of my life that's ended and frankly, ended quite a while ago. And I don't want things to go to the way they were because they simply wouldn't fit.
Times have changed, we have changed; we have grown. And while growing, we grew apart. Don't say that it's a shame, for it may seem that way right now, but there is a reason for it. The changes in our lives shape us, mold us, and this is just a part of it.
Trying to hang on to what isn't there will only bring bitterness and anger and sorrow, so I think it's due time for goodbye and for letting go. You'll always be there, inside my head and my heart, but for now, it's time to take a deep breath -- and move on.
I'll shed no more tears, and drink to the memories.
♥
True
I feel like I'm losing myself but simultaneously finding myself. I'm not who I was ten months ago, but this person I am now feels natural. I do not feel like I'm stretching my personality, so to speak, I feel like I truly am being myself. It's just a different side of myself. Granted, it's not the side I'm too proud of but right now, it just fits. I know I shouldn't be doing half the things I am and should be doing half the things I'm neglecting, but at this moment, it feels okay. I don't know who I really am, but one thing I do know is that I'm not a hypocrite. I'm not going to act a certain way if I don't feel it and I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not. I may not like the person I am all around but at least for the time being, I am being true to myself.
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you, only to be with you
I have run, I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls, these city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire, this burning desire
I have spoken with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night, I was cold as stone
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colors will bleed into one, bleed into one
But yes, I'm still running
You broke the bonds, and you loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame, of my shame
You know I believe it
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
- U2, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you, only to be with you
I have run, I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls, these city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire, this burning desire
I have spoken with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night, I was cold as stone
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colors will bleed into one, bleed into one
But yes, I'm still running
You broke the bonds, and you loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame, of my shame
You know I believe it
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
- U2, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"
Seattle
My life is like a rolling river
So muddy and absurd
And although I might be mistaken
I know that I'll be heard
And I find the second I try to pull away
I'm thrown back in line
All this time
So, rain on my hopes
Rain on my soul
Rain on everything that I know
It feels so ludicrous
The pursuit of this dream
We thought we'd be there long ago
And we are looking for the same thing, the same thing
Seattle is calling me back home, back home
- The Classic Crime, "Seattle"
Seattle is calling me back home.
I'll be back there soon. Just two and a half more years..
So muddy and absurd
And although I might be mistaken
I know that I'll be heard
And I find the second I try to pull away
I'm thrown back in line
All this time
So, rain on my hopes
Rain on my soul
Rain on everything that I know
It feels so ludicrous
The pursuit of this dream
We thought we'd be there long ago
And we are looking for the same thing, the same thing
Seattle is calling me back home, back home
- The Classic Crime, "Seattle"
Seattle is calling me back home.
I'll be back there soon. Just two and a half more years..
History
There is too much history in this goddamn town with all these goddamn people. (Not that I'm angry about it, my colorful language is simply a side effect of my frustration.) Yes, that is sometimes a good thing. History is sometimes good to have - long, deep foundations are often beneficial and lead to success, but lately, it has just been so...tiring, for lack of better words.
I'm tired of people's preconceived notions. I'm tired of their assumptions based on past events. I'm tired of them remembering things that I'm trying to forget. I'm tired of them knowing things I'm pretending to be blind to. I'm just tired of all the history. I want a fresh start, a clean slate. I want a new life.
But I just can't seem to get away.
I'm tired of people's preconceived notions. I'm tired of their assumptions based on past events. I'm tired of them remembering things that I'm trying to forget. I'm tired of them knowing things I'm pretending to be blind to. I'm just tired of all the history. I want a fresh start, a clean slate. I want a new life.
But I just can't seem to get away.
Looks and Glances
It's amazing how easily your mood and/or day can be changed or crushed by a simple look - whether that be from a friend, a stranger, or a glance in the mirror.
Heart of Life
I hate to see you cry, lying there in that position
There's something you need to hear
So turn off you tears and listen
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't go all the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't go all the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good
- John Mayer, "Heart of Life"
♥
There's something you need to hear
So turn off you tears and listen
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't go all the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't go all the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good
- John Mayer, "Heart of Life"
♥
Faith
When God told Abraham, who was a hundred at the time, that at the age of ninety his wife Sarah was finally going to have a baby, Abraham came close to knocking himself out - "fell on his face and laughed," as Genesis puts it (17:17). In another version of the story (18:18), Sarah is hiding behind the door eavesdropping, and here it's Sarah herself who nearly splits a gut - although when God asks her about it afterward, she denies it. "No, but you did laugh," God says, thus having the last word as well as the first. God doesn't seem to hold their outburst against them, however. On the contrary, he tells them the baby's going to be a boy and that he wants them to name him Isaac. Isaac in Hebrew means laughter.
Why did the two old crocks laugh? They laughed because they knew only a fool could believe that a woman with one foot in the grave was soon going to have her other foot in the maternity ward. They laughed because God expected them to believe it anyway. They laughed because God seemed to believe it. They laughed because they half-believed it themselves. They laughed because laughing felt better than crying. They laughed because if by some crazy chance it just happened to come true, they would really have something to laugh about, and in the meanwhile it helped keep them going.
Faith is "the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen," says the Epistle to Hebrews (11:1). Faith is laughter at the promise of a child called laughter.
If someone had come up to Jesus when he was on the cross and asked Him if it hurt, He might have answered, like the old man in the old joke, "Only when I laugh." But He wouldn't have been joking. Faith dies, as it lives, laughing.
Faith is better understood as a verb than as a noun, as a process than as a possession. Faith is not being sure where you're going, but going anyway. A journey without maps. Tillich said that doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
I have faith that my friend is my friend. It is possible that all his motives are ulterior. It is possible that what he is secretly drawn to is not me but my wife or my money. But there's something about the way he looks me in the eye, about the way we can talk to each other without pretense and be silent together without embarrassment, that makes me willing to put my life in his hands as I do each time I call him friend.
I can't prove the friendship of my friend. When I experience it, I don't need to prove it. When I don't experience it, no proof will do. If I tried to put his friendship to the test somehow, the test itself would queer the friendship I was testing. so it is with the Goodness of God.
The five so-called proofs for the existence of God will never prove to unfaith that God exists. They are merely five ways of describing the existence of the God you have faith in already.
Almost nothing that makes any real difference can be proved. I can prove the law of gravity by dropping a shoe out the widow. I can prove that the world is round if I'm clever at that sort of thing - that the radio works, that light travels faster than sound. I cannot prove that life is better than death or love better than hate. I cannot prove the greatness of the great or the beauty of the beautiful. I cannot even prove my own free will; maybe my most heroic act, my truest love, my deepest thought, are all just subtler versions of what happens when the doctor taps my knee with his little rubber hammer and my foot jumps.
Faith can't prove a damned thing. Or a blessed thing either.
- Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Seeker's ABC
Why did the two old crocks laugh? They laughed because they knew only a fool could believe that a woman with one foot in the grave was soon going to have her other foot in the maternity ward. They laughed because God expected them to believe it anyway. They laughed because God seemed to believe it. They laughed because they half-believed it themselves. They laughed because laughing felt better than crying. They laughed because if by some crazy chance it just happened to come true, they would really have something to laugh about, and in the meanwhile it helped keep them going.
Faith is "the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen," says the Epistle to Hebrews (11:1). Faith is laughter at the promise of a child called laughter.
If someone had come up to Jesus when he was on the cross and asked Him if it hurt, He might have answered, like the old man in the old joke, "Only when I laugh." But He wouldn't have been joking. Faith dies, as it lives, laughing.
Faith is better understood as a verb than as a noun, as a process than as a possession. Faith is not being sure where you're going, but going anyway. A journey without maps. Tillich said that doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
I have faith that my friend is my friend. It is possible that all his motives are ulterior. It is possible that what he is secretly drawn to is not me but my wife or my money. But there's something about the way he looks me in the eye, about the way we can talk to each other without pretense and be silent together without embarrassment, that makes me willing to put my life in his hands as I do each time I call him friend.
I can't prove the friendship of my friend. When I experience it, I don't need to prove it. When I don't experience it, no proof will do. If I tried to put his friendship to the test somehow, the test itself would queer the friendship I was testing. so it is with the Goodness of God.
The five so-called proofs for the existence of God will never prove to unfaith that God exists. They are merely five ways of describing the existence of the God you have faith in already.
Almost nothing that makes any real difference can be proved. I can prove the law of gravity by dropping a shoe out the widow. I can prove that the world is round if I'm clever at that sort of thing - that the radio works, that light travels faster than sound. I cannot prove that life is better than death or love better than hate. I cannot prove the greatness of the great or the beauty of the beautiful. I cannot even prove my own free will; maybe my most heroic act, my truest love, my deepest thought, are all just subtler versions of what happens when the doctor taps my knee with his little rubber hammer and my foot jumps.
Faith can't prove a damned thing. Or a blessed thing either.
- Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Seeker's ABC
Just Another Aching Heart
With summer just around the corner, I can't help but think back to the past one, and I am faced with having to remember all that I lost...
Jack. Good, sweet, dumb Jack. He was so loud, so annoying, and so troublesome. But also so sweet, so loving, so adorable, so innocent, and so playful. He was one of my babies. And I loved him. God, I loved him so much. He wasn't "just a dog," and if you say that then you can't possibly understand, because we are most certainly not on the same level. It didn't matter that he was a dog. He was my companion, my doorkeeper, my ally, my joy, my love. And then because of someone's careless mistake, he was gone.
Gone. Just like that, gone. Forever. And I'm left with my final memory of him being his still, unresponsive body lying on the side of the road. He looked like he was sleeping. The way he looked every morning at the foot of my bed. But this time his ears didn't twitch. His tail didn't flick. And he never got up. And that is an image that will forever be imprinted in my mind. It's the first one that flashes across my eyes when I think of him, and I don't know how to deal with that. I just miss him. I miss that stupid, annoying, stubborn, cuddly ball of fur. And I'd give anything to have him wake me up too early in the morning with his incessant barking just once more.
Ian. God, it's so unfair. He went through so much shit before he even turned one. And it didn't get any easier with time. He had a good thing going at the Paranal house, but then life happened. And with only a few short hours notice, he was gone.I remember that summer day...we all knew it was bound to happen, but we thought for sure they'd at least give us a week's notice, at least a few days...but they didn't. Just a simple "we're picking him up today." And that was that. I didn't want to let him go, but I only had a few minutes to hug him longer, to give him a few final kisses.
That kid was so annoying sometimes. He was so bratty and spoiled and fussy, but he could always put a smile on my face. I was going to be his godmother. I dreamed of the day that it would be official, that I would really be his ninang, but it never came. He was taken away from us and we don't know where he is.
I hope he's with another family, a better family. He deserves the best there is. I hope he has all the toys he could imagine, a doggy to play with, and all the love that he deserves. I hope that life has finally started going uphill for him. For God's sake, the child is three years old. He deserves a break.
One day, LeAndrew Eugene Smith, I will find you. And once again you will bring me happiness, in place of all these tears.
Friends. The ones with which I survived high school, did the stupidest things, talked the most trash, had the most fun, and loved the most. I lost a few really good ones, a few really great ones. Because of stupidity. We were all stupid. Cooler heads did not prevail and we lost something amazing. I was looking through some pictures from senior year a few days ago, and they only made me sad. We've reconciled since, but we don't talk like that anymore. We don't laugh like that anymore. We don't hug like that anymore. I don't even know if we care like that anymore. And that is just heartbreaking. Our lives have been intertwined for eight years, and what's to show for it? All I see is that we are still stubborn, still immature, still haughty, and still stupid. I hope that someday, and someday soon, we'll grow up. That we'll grow out of our insecurities and our grudges. Because I still love them. I love them so much, and I never stopped loving them.
I hope we'll be so much better than we ever were.
It's the middle of the night, and I'm alone in the dark with my hurt, my regrets, and my tears. But that's not so special. I'm just another aching heart facing another silent night.
Jack. Good, sweet, dumb Jack. He was so loud, so annoying, and so troublesome. But also so sweet, so loving, so adorable, so innocent, and so playful. He was one of my babies. And I loved him. God, I loved him so much. He wasn't "just a dog," and if you say that then you can't possibly understand, because we are most certainly not on the same level. It didn't matter that he was a dog. He was my companion, my doorkeeper, my ally, my joy, my love. And then because of someone's careless mistake, he was gone.
Gone. Just like that, gone. Forever. And I'm left with my final memory of him being his still, unresponsive body lying on the side of the road. He looked like he was sleeping. The way he looked every morning at the foot of my bed. But this time his ears didn't twitch. His tail didn't flick. And he never got up. And that is an image that will forever be imprinted in my mind. It's the first one that flashes across my eyes when I think of him, and I don't know how to deal with that. I just miss him. I miss that stupid, annoying, stubborn, cuddly ball of fur. And I'd give anything to have him wake me up too early in the morning with his incessant barking just once more.
Ian. God, it's so unfair. He went through so much shit before he even turned one. And it didn't get any easier with time. He had a good thing going at the Paranal house, but then life happened. And with only a few short hours notice, he was gone.I remember that summer day...we all knew it was bound to happen, but we thought for sure they'd at least give us a week's notice, at least a few days...but they didn't. Just a simple "we're picking him up today." And that was that. I didn't want to let him go, but I only had a few minutes to hug him longer, to give him a few final kisses.
That kid was so annoying sometimes. He was so bratty and spoiled and fussy, but he could always put a smile on my face. I was going to be his godmother. I dreamed of the day that it would be official, that I would really be his ninang, but it never came. He was taken away from us and we don't know where he is.
I hope he's with another family, a better family. He deserves the best there is. I hope he has all the toys he could imagine, a doggy to play with, and all the love that he deserves. I hope that life has finally started going uphill for him. For God's sake, the child is three years old. He deserves a break.
One day, LeAndrew Eugene Smith, I will find you. And once again you will bring me happiness, in place of all these tears.
Friends. The ones with which I survived high school, did the stupidest things, talked the most trash, had the most fun, and loved the most. I lost a few really good ones, a few really great ones. Because of stupidity. We were all stupid. Cooler heads did not prevail and we lost something amazing. I was looking through some pictures from senior year a few days ago, and they only made me sad. We've reconciled since, but we don't talk like that anymore. We don't laugh like that anymore. We don't hug like that anymore. I don't even know if we care like that anymore. And that is just heartbreaking. Our lives have been intertwined for eight years, and what's to show for it? All I see is that we are still stubborn, still immature, still haughty, and still stupid. I hope that someday, and someday soon, we'll grow up. That we'll grow out of our insecurities and our grudges. Because I still love them. I love them so much, and I never stopped loving them.
I hope we'll be so much better than we ever were.
It's the middle of the night, and I'm alone in the dark with my hurt, my regrets, and my tears. But that's not so special. I'm just another aching heart facing another silent night.
I Miss You
Good God, I miss you. I miss your smile, your face, your hugs. I miss our talks, our laughs, our tears. I miss the way things were, the way we were. But it was all bound to change eventually, we were bound to change. At times it went smoothly, at others not at all. I just can't believe how different things are now, how different we are. We never thought it'd be like this, and if it was, it wouldn't be for much much longer. And yet here we are. I am here and you are there. We hardly see one another. And when we do it's never long enough, never meaningful enough. I wish there was something I could do to change that. I wish there was something I could say to make you understand just how much you mean to me, just how much you've affected me. I hope that I'll see you soon. I hope that we'll talk again. But for now, all I can say is that I miss you. Good God, I miss you so much.
Homesick for a Place that Doesn't Exist
I've been feeling a bit nostalgic lately, but not for anything familiar. I've been feeling homesick, but not for my home. I was in Roseville just a little over a month ago, but it feels like it's been ages. And with me not going back for Spring Break and all, I'm feeling somewhat stuck here. I feel like I want to leave, but I don't know where I want to go. There are some in and near Roseville whom I wish to see, but only a select few. It's not that I have anything against the rest of them, I just feel like I don't need to see them. Not quite yet.
I feel like I want to go back to something familiar, but not too familiar. I feel like I want to see some familiar faces, but not too familiar. I guess what I want is to be somewhere that I vaguely know and know that acquaintances are nearby, but not have to see them.
Or I want to go somewhere completely new. Somewhere I have never been, a place where nobody knows me. I admit that does sound a bit lonely, but more-so exciting. I do not have a problem with solitude, and enjoy entertaining the idea of simply going away for a while and relishing in it. Going somewhere I can be on my own, where I can spend my days sleeping and my nights lounging in cafes, watching films, going to art exhibits, reading all those books I haven't had the chance to get around to. But of course this is only a dream. Because something like that takes money, and lots of it. Something I happen to be lacking.
I feel like I am searching for something, wanting to return to something, to somewhere, but I don't know what or where. Because what I am is homesick for a place that doesn't exist. And that's hard to wrestle with.
So back to dreaming I go.
I feel like I want to go back to something familiar, but not too familiar. I feel like I want to see some familiar faces, but not too familiar. I guess what I want is to be somewhere that I vaguely know and know that acquaintances are nearby, but not have to see them.
Or I want to go somewhere completely new. Somewhere I have never been, a place where nobody knows me. I admit that does sound a bit lonely, but more-so exciting. I do not have a problem with solitude, and enjoy entertaining the idea of simply going away for a while and relishing in it. Going somewhere I can be on my own, where I can spend my days sleeping and my nights lounging in cafes, watching films, going to art exhibits, reading all those books I haven't had the chance to get around to. But of course this is only a dream. Because something like that takes money, and lots of it. Something I happen to be lacking.
I feel like I am searching for something, wanting to return to something, to somewhere, but I don't know what or where. Because what I am is homesick for a place that doesn't exist. And that's hard to wrestle with.
So back to dreaming I go.
The Worst Part of Being Lied To
"The worst part of being lied to is knowing that you weren't worth the truth."
And ain't that a bitch.
Knowing that someone close is lying to you and trying to figure out why can drive you mad. Especially when it's someone that you trust. Someone that you have a solid relationship with. Or so you thought. That's the worst. Giving trust and receiving none in return.
Trust is a fickle thing. It can take years to build, and only a few words to destroy. And after it's gone, well I'm not quite sure what happens then. You can try to go back. You can try to rebuild it. And you can -- but only to a certain point. Because forgiving is easy but forgetting...forgetting is the hard part. It's hard to forget the feeling of betrayal. It's hard to believe the words that you want to but can't. It's hard to go back to the way things were because it's hard to forget that you were only second best. It's damn hard to forget that you weren't worth the truth. The doubts, the insecurities -- they're not so easy to just wipe away.
I hope I learn how to wipe them away, and soon. Because sometimes, it still kills me. It's time to move on but I can't. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting is the hard part.
And ain't that a bitch.
Knowing that someone close is lying to you and trying to figure out why can drive you mad. Especially when it's someone that you trust. Someone that you have a solid relationship with. Or so you thought. That's the worst. Giving trust and receiving none in return.
Trust is a fickle thing. It can take years to build, and only a few words to destroy. And after it's gone, well I'm not quite sure what happens then. You can try to go back. You can try to rebuild it. And you can -- but only to a certain point. Because forgiving is easy but forgetting...forgetting is the hard part. It's hard to forget the feeling of betrayal. It's hard to believe the words that you want to but can't. It's hard to go back to the way things were because it's hard to forget that you were only second best. It's damn hard to forget that you weren't worth the truth. The doubts, the insecurities -- they're not so easy to just wipe away.
I hope I learn how to wipe them away, and soon. Because sometimes, it still kills me. It's time to move on but I can't. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting is the hard part.
Late-Night Laundry
Doing laundry at two in the morning while listening and singing along to Bon Jovi really puts you at ease... :)
I think from now on at 11:11 and on shooting stars I'm going to wish to get serenaded with Bon Jovi songs... :)
I think from now on at 11:11 and on shooting stars I'm going to wish to get serenaded with Bon Jovi songs... :)
Late-Night Early-Morning Questionings of a Scrambled Mind
What is life? What is this existence that we so dearly hang on to? What does living, truly living look like? What is death? What goes through one's mind right before they pass over? What is the passing?
What is love? What is hate? Why do we hate, when they deserve love? Why do we love, when they deserve hate? What does loving your neighbor as yourself look like? What does loving your enemy really mean? Why does love make one do crazy things? How is it possible for love to change a person?
What is laughter? Why do we laugh? Why do we cry? What is crying, really? What is sadness? What is happiness? Why do both cause our eyes to leak? What is the difference between happiness and joy? What are emotions, anyway? Why does one thing make Jack feel this, but Jill feel that?
Why do you always want what you can't have? Why are people drawn to things that are bad for them? Why do we remember what we wish to forget, but forget what we need to remember? How are people so alike, yet so vastly different? Why do my questions differ from yours? Why are there so many questions, but so few answers?
Why am I not asleep?
What is love? What is hate? Why do we hate, when they deserve love? Why do we love, when they deserve hate? What does loving your neighbor as yourself look like? What does loving your enemy really mean? Why does love make one do crazy things? How is it possible for love to change a person?
What is laughter? Why do we laugh? Why do we cry? What is crying, really? What is sadness? What is happiness? Why do both cause our eyes to leak? What is the difference between happiness and joy? What are emotions, anyway? Why does one thing make Jack feel this, but Jill feel that?
Why do you always want what you can't have? Why are people drawn to things that are bad for them? Why do we remember what we wish to forget, but forget what we need to remember? How are people so alike, yet so vastly different? Why do my questions differ from yours? Why are there so many questions, but so few answers?
Why am I not asleep?
Word
In Hebrew the term dabar means both "word" and "deed." Thus to say something is to do something. I love you. I hate you. I forgive you. I am afraid. Who knows what such words do but whatever it is, it can never be undone. Something that lay hidden in the heart is irrevocably released through speech into time, is given substance and tossed like a stone into the pool of history, where the concentric rings lap out endlessly.
Words are power, essentially the power of creation. By my words I both discover and create who I am. By my words I elicit a word from you. Through our converse we create each other.
When God said, "Let there be light," there was light where before there was only darkness. Then I say I love you, there is love where before there was only ambiguous silence. In a sense I do not love you first and then speak it, but only by speaking it give it reality.
-Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Seeker's ABC
Words are power, essentially the power of creation. By my words I both discover and create who I am. By my words I elicit a word from you. Through our converse we create each other.
When God said, "Let there be light," there was light where before there was only darkness. Then I say I love you, there is love where before there was only ambiguous silence. In a sense I do not love you first and then speak it, but only by speaking it give it reality.
-Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Seeker's ABC
Real Talk
What happened to the art of conversation? Real, true conversation. To being completely open and honest with a person, to verbalizing all that you're feeling, even if that means allowing yourself to be vulnerable? What is everyone so scared of these days? Why are we so scared of being deep, so scared of being "politically incorrect," so scared that we might offend another by simply being honest, so we resort to superficial, insignificant chatter? And from the other side, why are we so ready to jump on someone if they so much as say a single word that rubs us the wrong way? Why can't we just give them the chance to get what they need to get out, and then take things from there? Why are we so scared of honesty?
Because we are well aware of the fact that honesty, that the truth is not always appealing. We are so comfortable with things always being sugar-coated; we don't know how to deal with the hard stuff, the real stuff. And that is our short-coming. We fear things that shouldn't be feared, things that could be building us up, bringing us closer, as opposed to tearing us apart. But we're too scared to let that happen. Because that would mean bringing down our defenses and being vulnerable. And God forbid that ever happens.
I hope that one day we will grow out of this need for comfortability and learn to be real with one another. Maybe then we'll finally start getting somewhere.
Because we are well aware of the fact that honesty, that the truth is not always appealing. We are so comfortable with things always being sugar-coated; we don't know how to deal with the hard stuff, the real stuff. And that is our short-coming. We fear things that shouldn't be feared, things that could be building us up, bringing us closer, as opposed to tearing us apart. But we're too scared to let that happen. Because that would mean bringing down our defenses and being vulnerable. And God forbid that ever happens.
I hope that one day we will grow out of this need for comfortability and learn to be real with one another. Maybe then we'll finally start getting somewhere.
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