Melodies of Peace

You say strength is found in weakness
Peace in incompleteness
So why do I hold on?
You look for a heart that's open
For beauty in the broken
So why am I withdrawn?

My soul's screaming out
To be found in you

Spirit draw me to my knees
Captivate all of me, all of me
Here before you honestly
Captivate all of me, all of me

I'm so messy and distracted
Undisciplined and tactless
Here on the inside
I thought age would tell the secrets
But the secrets are still secret
And the years are passing by

Teach me to wait in the moments of my need
Teach me to hear the melodies of peace

- Starfield, "Captivate"

Coincidence

I think of a person I haven't seen or thought of for years, and ten minutes later I see her crossing the street. I turn on the radio to hear a voice reading the biblical story of Jael, which is the story that I have spent the morning writing about.  A car passes me on the road, and its license place consists of my wife's and my initials side by side. When you tell people stories like that, their usual reaction is to laugh. One wonders why.

I believe that people laugh at coincidence as a way of relegating it to the realm of the absurd and of therefore not having to take seriously the possibility that there is a lot more going in our lives than we either know or care to know. Who can say what it is that's going on, but I suspect that part of it, anyway, is that every once and so often we hear a whisper from the wings that goes something like this: "You've turned up in the right place at the right time. You're doing fine. Don't ever think that you've been forgotten."

- Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Seeker's ABC

January 27 - Blurbs

Late to bed, early to rise. Caffeine dependence. Silly classmates, colleagues, bonjour. Ring - hello, ring - hello, never ending summons. Honors achievements, disillusion. Resented sunshine. Dirty Dancing on the screen. Disrupted peace. Sappy love medleys and melodies in the air. Nostalgia. Curled on the couch. Nestled in the bed. Faithful Sam, cushioned companion. Melancholy. Fatigue.

Life & Death

"When I'm lying in my bed I think about life and I think about death and neither one particularly appeals to me." -Steven Morrissey

Sun, Sun Go Away

It's snowing in Seattle. Why the hell am I in southern California? I don't even like sunny weather. What in God's name was I thinking, choosing to come to school here. blahrg. I wish I was in Washington or Oregon or Colorado. But mainly Seattle.

Unmarked Letters

I've started a journal of unmarked letters, letters written to unnamed persons that will never get sent. There's just something therapeutic about getting things off your chest and onto some paper, even if the words are never seen or heard by the other. I'm predicting that this journal will fill up quickly; there are so many things that I'd like you to know, but I could never bring myself to actually say them. So I guess this is where they'll go.

Moving On - 2012

A reflection on 2011, a projection on 2012. (Several days late, and not too articulate, but bear with me here.)

I changed a lot in the past twelve months. I figured out what I want to study. I found that I was focusing a lot of thought, time, and energy on people from my past and I that I had spent a lot of time taking many, many wonderful friends for granted because I was so focused on those wrong ones, and I learned to let go. I learned how to move on and take things as they come. I became more responsible, in regards to academics and work. I had the some of the absolute best professors, classmates, and coworkers. I began cursing a lot more. I became more cynical, but also more trusting. I opened up to a stranger and then regretted it and then got over it. I formed friendships that I know will last, and strengthened existing ones. I had the best vacations (summer and winter) of my life. I got a tattoo. I learned how to drive stick shift. I realized that I really am an adult, even though I don't seem like it. I started learning from my mistakes a lot more often. I recognized how irrational and heated I can get over little things, and learned how to think twice before acting/speaking on whims. I changed a lot, much more than I can state in a few sentences.

I still don't really know who I am, or what I'm doing, or what I'm looking for, but I guess one day I'll figure it out. So here's to 2012 - may it be an even better year, or may it kick my ass. Either way, let's have it.