Spent the night tossing and turning, I don't think I fully fell asleep even for thirty minutes. And then I had to wake up early to do my case brief. My lungs hurt. I have a midterm on my birthday. But it rained this morning, my hair is cooperating, I laughed a lot in French, there were puppies at seven palms, and I have coffee. Life is good.
Work work working for the weekend.
Working for the Weekend
That's all I was thinking while at work yesterday, and then the weekend finally came.
Pi Sigma Alpha initiation; downtown/old town Monrovia with Caitlyn, Gabby, and JC; Korean drinking games; new friends; late-night adventures/shenanigans; actions and apologies; getting called out by my friend on her blog the morning after. Oh, life.
And the weekend's just begun.
Pi Sigma Alpha initiation; downtown/old town Monrovia with Caitlyn, Gabby, and JC; Korean drinking games; new friends; late-night adventures/shenanigans; actions and apologies; getting called out by my friend on her blog the morning after. Oh, life.
And the weekend's just begun.
Lent
Clearing the mind and body, while cleansing the spirit. Every day is another chance for something more.
Keep the faith.
Keep the faith.
If I Could
I love you. But if I could, I would leave you. If it meant I would never see you again, never speak to you again, if it meant I would lose your companionship, lose your affection and support, lose you - I would be devastated. It would be hard. But time has a funny way of numbing the pain. And the mind has a funny way of blocking out the memories. If it meant that I would have a chance to be someone, somewhere new, I would do it. Would it be worth it? Probably not. But it's a chance that I would find myself selfishly taking. I love you. But if I could, I would let you go.
(I'm sorry.)
(I'm sorry.)
Desensitized
Disinterested. Phlegmatic. Listless. Apathetic. Feeling with the mind, but not with the heart. Even jumping out of a plane didn't bring a great rush of adrenaline or excitement or fear. And I don't quite know what to make of that.
"And I want to feel passion, I want to feel pain, I want to weep at the sound of your name. Come make me laugh, come make me cry, just make me feel alive."
"And I want to feel passion, I want to feel pain, I want to weep at the sound of your name. Come make me laugh, come make me cry, just make me feel alive."
Home
It always seem so much better from further away. Every time I return, I remember why it was I so desperately wanted to leave. And every time I return, I dream of packing Ellie and my things and just running. Running away from all the burdens and reminders of all the problems and shortcomings of the past and the present, and running to peace and denial, to something new.
Maybe one day I'll run, but probably not. Maybe one day I'll find some place called home where I will actually want to stay. Maybe one day.
But probably not.
Maybe one day I'll run, but probably not. Maybe one day I'll find some place called home where I will actually want to stay. Maybe one day.
But probably not.
Temper Tantrum
It's ridiculous, the things I worry about, consider, and notice. I'm too attentive, but it's only understandably and reasonably so. I feel like banging my fists, stomping my feet, and throwing a temper tantrum - it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair.
"How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception." - Alfred de Musset
"How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception." - Alfred de Musset
trouve-moi
Je te verrai dans ma sommeil, chéri,
Je te verrai dans mes rêves
où nous courrons et danserons et chanterons et resterons
tranquilles
Je te verrai dans ma sommeil, chéri,
Je te verrai dans mes rêves
le seul endroit où je sais que tu me trouves
toujours
toujours
find me
I'll see you in my sleep, darling,
I'll see you in my dreams
where we will run and dance and sing and simply
be
I'll see you in my sleep, darling,
I'll see you in my dreams
the only place I know you will always find
me
I'll see you in my dreams
where we will run and dance and sing and simply
be
I'll see you in my sleep, darling,
I'll see you in my dreams
the only place I know you will always find
me
Godsends
I don't appreciate it as often or as dearly as I should, but I am quite blessed with the friends that I have. With the quality, and the quantity, of them. I have my Ukrainian friends and my high school friends, my class friends and my hall friends, and those random ones that have come out of nowhere. I am thankful for each and everyone of them, but there are a select few that I am most grateful for.
There is a handful of people that have drastically impacted my life in one way or another, and I can quite sincerely say that I can't imagine how my life would be without them. Whether it be because they have been by my side for countless years or because they were simply in the right place, at the right time, right where and when I needed them, they have altered my course in significant ways.
Some I have known for near a decade, others for much, much less. But the amount of time I have spent with each one is irrelevant. Time - history - in a relationship, I've learned, means little to nothing. Yes, it gives one the benefit of knowing the other's likes and dislikes, moods and attitudes, opinions and beliefs, but in the grand scheme of it all, these things are almost irrelevant. (I guess I should clarify - these things are irrelevant to the meaningfulness of the friendship.) We could be acquainted for two, six, ten years, we could know countless, trivial things about one another - but these years and facts alone do not prove that we truly know each other or that we have some significant bond. No, history is irrelevant. Time alone does not lead to closeness.
I have several close friends, but my best friends - I can count them on one hand. They are the ones have left lasting marks on my existence, and I know that many things would be awry if I had never met them. They are, in all meaning of the word, godsends. They are the ones with whom I trust much more than just my life - I trust them with my mind. And I know that I can rely on them to always be what is needed. Whether I need to hear the harsh truth or just need an ear to vent to, they can be counted on. And trusted, above all things, trusted. And for this I am eternally grateful.
I don't show my appreciation and gratitude as often as I should, but one day I will. One day (if they don't already know), I'll tell them of all the ways that they have changed, shaped, and influenced me; of how much their understanding and presence means to me; of how different I'm convinced my life would be without them.
Perhaps I'll write them letters.
There is a handful of people that have drastically impacted my life in one way or another, and I can quite sincerely say that I can't imagine how my life would be without them. Whether it be because they have been by my side for countless years or because they were simply in the right place, at the right time, right where and when I needed them, they have altered my course in significant ways.
Some I have known for near a decade, others for much, much less. But the amount of time I have spent with each one is irrelevant. Time - history - in a relationship, I've learned, means little to nothing. Yes, it gives one the benefit of knowing the other's likes and dislikes, moods and attitudes, opinions and beliefs, but in the grand scheme of it all, these things are almost irrelevant. (I guess I should clarify - these things are irrelevant to the meaningfulness of the friendship.) We could be acquainted for two, six, ten years, we could know countless, trivial things about one another - but these years and facts alone do not prove that we truly know each other or that we have some significant bond. No, history is irrelevant. Time alone does not lead to closeness.
I have several close friends, but my best friends - I can count them on one hand. They are the ones have left lasting marks on my existence, and I know that many things would be awry if I had never met them. They are, in all meaning of the word, godsends. They are the ones with whom I trust much more than just my life - I trust them with my mind. And I know that I can rely on them to always be what is needed. Whether I need to hear the harsh truth or just need an ear to vent to, they can be counted on. And trusted, above all things, trusted. And for this I am eternally grateful.
I don't show my appreciation and gratitude as often as I should, but one day I will. One day (if they don't already know), I'll tell them of all the ways that they have changed, shaped, and influenced me; of how much their understanding and presence means to me; of how different I'm convinced my life would be without them.
Perhaps I'll write them letters.
Update
What a great weekend. Saturday morning JC and Gabby came over for breakfast and coffee; the afternoon was spent bouldering with them, and making far-fetched plans for backpacking in Europe; the evening consisted of smoking hookah on Caitlyn's porch with her and Thomas, then watching Robin Hood Men in Tights with a few beers. Caitlyn slept on my couch and on Sunday morning we made delicious blueberry pancakes and enjoyed them with Gabby, then headed out to Hangar 18 again with JC. This time we got belay lessons and were able to belay each other while scaling the rock climbing walls. Sore as hell, we headed home and after some down time had a delicious taco dinner with Kayla to end out the weekend. In short, it was amazing. Simple activities, but with good company, you don't need to do much.
Side note: I am currently head over heels with U2. Please buy me some CDs, and you will have my love.
That is the current update on my life, and now for the update on this blog.
There are so many things that I've been wanting to write about for quite some time now, but just haven't found the time to do it. Okay, that's a lie. I have the time, but I get the writing urges at the worst times - in class, at work - but then when I get home, I'm just not in the mood. So here are some things that I'm planning on writing on soon:
- "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." - Mahatma Gandhi
- The need for a well-informed voter population.
- Trust and secrets.
- Friendship.
Stay tuned.
Side note: I am currently head over heels with U2. Please buy me some CDs, and you will have my love.
That is the current update on my life, and now for the update on this blog.
There are so many things that I've been wanting to write about for quite some time now, but just haven't found the time to do it. Okay, that's a lie. I have the time, but I get the writing urges at the worst times - in class, at work - but then when I get home, I'm just not in the mood. So here are some things that I'm planning on writing on soon:
- "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." - Mahatma Gandhi
- The need for a well-informed voter population.
- Trust and secrets.
- Friendship.
Stay tuned.
Looks and Glances*
It's amazing how easily your mood and/or day can be changed or crushed by a simple look - whether that be from a friend, a stranger, or a glance in the mirror.
*Written on April 30, 2011, but still just as relevant and accurate.
*Written on April 30, 2011, but still just as relevant and accurate.
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