"As long as you have life and breath, believe. Believe for those who cannot. Believe even if you have stopped believing. Believe for the sake of the dead, for love, to keep your heart beating, believe. Never give up, never despair, let no mystery confound you into the conclusion that mystery cannot be yours."
- Mark Helprin, A Soldier of the Great War
Lacrimae Rerum
Lacrimae rerum: (Latin) the tears of things; the inherent tragedy of existence.
Kind of beautiful, isn't it.
Kind of beautiful, isn't it.
Best Friends
I'm so inexplicably blessed by the best friends that I have, by the fact that I'm lucky enough to have more than one and by the fact that they are such glorious, wonderful, kind, beautiful people. (They're also selfish and sarcastic and stubborn and snippy, but in spite of it all - astounding.) Sometimes I take them for granted, but then other times I get caught up in thinking about them and I don't understand how I came to be so fortunate. To have these people with whom I can share my life and my mind - it's an incredible godsend.
My best friends, I miss you.
Always, with much love, I miss you.
My best friends, I miss you.
Always, with much love, I miss you.
Stuck in a Dream
I feel so stuck in this life. I want nothing more than to be sitting outside some quaint, little cafe, enjoying the warm sunshine and the cool breeze, listening to jazz. I want to be alone or with one of my few friends with whom I can talk about the real things, things that actually matter and stimulate introspection, not just the colloquial, inconsequential things that tend to domineer conversations these days.
I'm currently reading Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald and it's - good God, it's beautiful. It's as if his pen was bleeding beauty and emotion itself. It is just so bewitching and elegant and smooth - it makes me feel like I belong in a different era.
It makes me feel like an old soul, yearning to be back in the times of the roaring twenties, the jazz age, but instead I'm here. I'm here in the midst of hip hop and pop culture and societies that have lost the understanding of beauty, in regard to all things.
I feel so fed up with the world around me at times, with the attitudes and standards and beliefs that dominate our communities, all I want to do is run away. It is not like my desire to escape, but a different sort of running. The kind where I eventually find a place where true beauty, creativity, intellect, conversation, hope, and happiness reside.
Hopefully I will find this place one day, and hopefully you'll be right there with me, by my side. But I guess in the mean time, I'll be stuck in a dream.
I'm currently reading Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald and it's - good God, it's beautiful. It's as if his pen was bleeding beauty and emotion itself. It is just so bewitching and elegant and smooth - it makes me feel like I belong in a different era.
It makes me feel like an old soul, yearning to be back in the times of the roaring twenties, the jazz age, but instead I'm here. I'm here in the midst of hip hop and pop culture and societies that have lost the understanding of beauty, in regard to all things.
I feel so fed up with the world around me at times, with the attitudes and standards and beliefs that dominate our communities, all I want to do is run away. It is not like my desire to escape, but a different sort of running. The kind where I eventually find a place where true beauty, creativity, intellect, conversation, hope, and happiness reside.
Hopefully I will find this place one day, and hopefully you'll be right there with me, by my side. But I guess in the mean time, I'll be stuck in a dream.
I Miss You
I don't want to go out and socialize and joke and laugh. But I don't want to be alone, either. I just want to sit and be with you. I don't want to talk to you, but I want you to talk to me. You don't need to try to make me feel better, because nothing is really wrong, I just want your voice to fill the silence. You can talk about everything or nothing significant at all, you can spin ridiculous tales or tell me about your day - anything, anything you'd like.
But I am here and you are there, and I guess I just miss you.
But I am here and you are there, and I guess I just miss you.
Snippet
I am so damn sick of all these judgmental, hypocritical, haughty pricks that call themselves Christians. There's so much hate and condemnation, when the only thing they should be spreading is love. They act as if they have some sort of pedestal that they've earned, as if they're somehow better than their fellow man, when at the end of the day, we're all exactly the same.
A much longer, more eloquent post will be coming shortly, whenever I have time to sit down and write it all out (and when it's not one in the morning). But I just wanted to say, goddamn does that grind my gears.
A much longer, more eloquent post will be coming shortly, whenever I have time to sit down and write it all out (and when it's not one in the morning). But I just wanted to say, goddamn does that grind my gears.
Find Your Own Faith
When it comes to Christians, few are more aggravating than those who live as blind sheep, following some distant shepherd, trusting his or her every word, every creed, and never trying to learn things for themselves, never trying to find their own convictions. Humans were given minds with the mental capacities to consider, deduce, and decide things for themselves, and if only, if only they would actually use them. Your beliefs, your values, your praises and condemnations - all worthless if they are nothing but echos of another voice. I am not saying that you should disregard everything you have been taught, everything you have perhaps been brought up in, but please, for the love of God, at some point in your life, detach yourself from it all - and just think.
In the words of John Stuart Mill...
"He who knows only his own side of the case, knows little of that. His reasons may be good, and no one may have been able to refute them. But if he is equally unable to refute the reasons on the opposite side; if he does not so much as know what they are, he has no ground for preferring either opinion. The rational position for him would be suspension of judgment, and unless he contents himself with that, he is either led by authority, or adopts, like the generality of the world, the side to which he feels most inclination. Nor is it enough that he should hear the arguments of adversaries from his own teachers, presented as they state them, and accompanied by what they offer as refutations. That is not the way to do justice to the arguments or bring them into real contact with his own mind. He must be able to hear them from persons who actually believe them; who defend them in earnest, and do their very utmost for them. He must know them in their most plausible and persuasive form; he must feel the whole force of the difficulty which the true view of the subject has to encounter and dispose of; else he will never really possess himself of the portion of truth which meets and removes that difficulty. Ninety-nine in a hundred of what are called educated men are in this condition; even of those who can argue fluently for their opinions. Their conclusion may be true, but it might be false for anything they know: they have never thrown themselves into the mental position of those who think differently from them, and considered what such persons may have to say; and consequently they do not, in any proper sense of the word, know the doctrine which they themselves profess."
(From his On Liberty - whoever said that nineteenth century political philosophy was irrelevant to everyday life? ;) )
If it is faith that you need, or want, find it for yourself.
In the words of John Stuart Mill...
"He who knows only his own side of the case, knows little of that. His reasons may be good, and no one may have been able to refute them. But if he is equally unable to refute the reasons on the opposite side; if he does not so much as know what they are, he has no ground for preferring either opinion. The rational position for him would be suspension of judgment, and unless he contents himself with that, he is either led by authority, or adopts, like the generality of the world, the side to which he feels most inclination. Nor is it enough that he should hear the arguments of adversaries from his own teachers, presented as they state them, and accompanied by what they offer as refutations. That is not the way to do justice to the arguments or bring them into real contact with his own mind. He must be able to hear them from persons who actually believe them; who defend them in earnest, and do their very utmost for them. He must know them in their most plausible and persuasive form; he must feel the whole force of the difficulty which the true view of the subject has to encounter and dispose of; else he will never really possess himself of the portion of truth which meets and removes that difficulty. Ninety-nine in a hundred of what are called educated men are in this condition; even of those who can argue fluently for their opinions. Their conclusion may be true, but it might be false for anything they know: they have never thrown themselves into the mental position of those who think differently from them, and considered what such persons may have to say; and consequently they do not, in any proper sense of the word, know the doctrine which they themselves profess."
(From his On Liberty - whoever said that nineteenth century political philosophy was irrelevant to everyday life? ;) )
If it is faith that you need, or want, find it for yourself.
I Am Not Sad
"He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded as as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others - the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad."
- Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated
- Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated
Feelings
A sudden, overwhelming sense of suffocation.
I think I'll just go to bed and read until I regain control, or until I fall asleep.
Feelings are fickle things.
I think I'll just go to bed and read until I regain control, or until I fall asleep.
Feelings are fickle things.
Hope
What a perfect weekend.
I woke up before nine on Saturday morning, went on a bike ride, and lounged outside of Starbucks for several hours reading Everything Is Illuminated. The sun was bright, but the breeze was cool, and the coffee was chilled. I caught up with the news, had a few epiphanies, and wrote a little bit. Then I relocated to the picnic table in my court and read some more. I read so much, and just kept on reading. (I don't quite know why I'm so enthralled by this book, but I just think it's wonderful. No doubt I'll be posting some excerpts soon.) Then the night didn't end until five in the morning, after several drinks, smokes, and talks.
Today, Sunday, is how I want to spend every day - eating new foods, drinking coffee, relishing nature, reading, being at peace. I had lunch in a French cafe with JC and then we spent several hours at the park in downtown Monrovia. Beautiful doesn't even begin to describe the atmosphere - big, green trees; the bluest sky; everyone lounging on the grass, on the benches, reading and cherishing each other's companies; the only sound being distant chatter, an occasional car, a child running by. In one word: peace.
I haven't touched my homework, but I don't care. I was able to read so much, drink so much coffee, and have so many good conversations, the kind of conversations that induce introspection, challenge what you believe, forcing you to give a defense for what you've accepted, the kind that bring you closer to yourself and to others.
But the weekend has come to a close, and I'm brought back to reality. It's time to hit those books, but my goal for the week is to not get submerged. To keep a clear mind and not get over stressed, to sleep and to study, to follow my own advice.
It was a beautiful weekend and it's times like these that give me hope for the future.
I woke up before nine on Saturday morning, went on a bike ride, and lounged outside of Starbucks for several hours reading Everything Is Illuminated. The sun was bright, but the breeze was cool, and the coffee was chilled. I caught up with the news, had a few epiphanies, and wrote a little bit. Then I relocated to the picnic table in my court and read some more. I read so much, and just kept on reading. (I don't quite know why I'm so enthralled by this book, but I just think it's wonderful. No doubt I'll be posting some excerpts soon.) Then the night didn't end until five in the morning, after several drinks, smokes, and talks.
Today, Sunday, is how I want to spend every day - eating new foods, drinking coffee, relishing nature, reading, being at peace. I had lunch in a French cafe with JC and then we spent several hours at the park in downtown Monrovia. Beautiful doesn't even begin to describe the atmosphere - big, green trees; the bluest sky; everyone lounging on the grass, on the benches, reading and cherishing each other's companies; the only sound being distant chatter, an occasional car, a child running by. In one word: peace.
I haven't touched my homework, but I don't care. I was able to read so much, drink so much coffee, and have so many good conversations, the kind of conversations that induce introspection, challenge what you believe, forcing you to give a defense for what you've accepted, the kind that bring you closer to yourself and to others.
But the weekend has come to a close, and I'm brought back to reality. It's time to hit those books, but my goal for the week is to not get submerged. To keep a clear mind and not get over stressed, to sleep and to study, to follow my own advice.
It was a beautiful weekend and it's times like these that give me hope for the future.
Time Heals
Whether it be a broken heart or a broken arm, time will heal. Or if it doesn't fully mend, then it brings a sort of natural novocaine. But either way, the pain eventually subsides.
Time heals. If it still hurts, be patient. This too shall pass, and will one day be nothing more than just a lost memory.
Time heals. If it still hurts, be patient. This too shall pass, and will one day be nothing more than just a lost memory.
Happiness
Everybody is searching for something to believe in, something to live for, and there seems to be a general consensus of what we're all trying to reach: happiness. Money, relationships, education - all worthless if when you're in bed at night, on the brink of sleep, and you're miserable.
Happiness. An abstract idea, but more so a destination; a destination that can be reached through many routes. My happiness will be different than yours, but if they happen to at some point intertwine - that's wonderful. That's wonderful and magical and beautiful. And if not, so be it. But that's not to say that we still can't walk side by side and share our lives.
Happiness. To succeed in making it a constant state of being would truly be a great accomplishment. But in the meantime, search for the little things. The little, everyday things that make your heart smile.
Get a puppy. Drink more coffee, drink more tea. Read a marvelous book. Watch your favorite movie. Write a little. Sing a lot. Give a pretty girl a flower. Give a cute boy a kiss. Go on a hike. Swing dance. Savor the sun on your skin, the wind in your hair, and welcome the rain when it falls. Ride a bike. Eat something new. Find your faith. Love yourself - your mind, your body, your soul. Stop finding fault where there is none, and change your perspective. Run. Find your passion and envelop yourself in it. Connect with a friend on a deeper level. Go someplace new. Love and let yourself be loved. Just live. Live and keep living; you're bound to find something that brings you joy.
But in your search, do not become selfish. Do not become self-absorbed and self-centered. Remember that sometimes you have to sacrifice a part of your happiness, a part of your sanity, a part of yourself for the ones that you love, to help them find a piece of their happiness. And in time, they'll do the same for you. Love and let yourself be loved.
Happiness. A daily and life-long goal for each of us.
Best of luck to you.
Happiness. An abstract idea, but more so a destination; a destination that can be reached through many routes. My happiness will be different than yours, but if they happen to at some point intertwine - that's wonderful. That's wonderful and magical and beautiful. And if not, so be it. But that's not to say that we still can't walk side by side and share our lives.
Happiness. To succeed in making it a constant state of being would truly be a great accomplishment. But in the meantime, search for the little things. The little, everyday things that make your heart smile.
Get a puppy. Drink more coffee, drink more tea. Read a marvelous book. Watch your favorite movie. Write a little. Sing a lot. Give a pretty girl a flower. Give a cute boy a kiss. Go on a hike. Swing dance. Savor the sun on your skin, the wind in your hair, and welcome the rain when it falls. Ride a bike. Eat something new. Find your faith. Love yourself - your mind, your body, your soul. Stop finding fault where there is none, and change your perspective. Run. Find your passion and envelop yourself in it. Connect with a friend on a deeper level. Go someplace new. Love and let yourself be loved. Just live. Live and keep living; you're bound to find something that brings you joy.
But in your search, do not become selfish. Do not become self-absorbed and self-centered. Remember that sometimes you have to sacrifice a part of your happiness, a part of your sanity, a part of yourself for the ones that you love, to help them find a piece of their happiness. And in time, they'll do the same for you. Love and let yourself be loved.
Happiness. A daily and life-long goal for each of us.
Best of luck to you.
Twenty
God, I'm old. Actually, not really. Actually, not at all.
I'm young and I intend to relish in my youth.
I'm content with what I have accomplished in these twenty years, so let's continue the streak.
So here's to twenty: being young and free and busy and studying and working and traveling and running and laughing and crying and living life. Cheers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)