Debrief

I woke up this morning earlier than I have on a weekday for several weeks now, and had my first official day at my new internship, and it turned out to be the start of an amazing day. I ended up staying an hour later than I was scheduled because I was determined to figure out why the stupid website wasn't doing what I wanted it to do, but it finally worked! It may have been a small goal to reach, in the grand scheme of things, but I walked away feeling so accomplished -- I don't remember the last time I felt that successful. It left me with a pleasant disposition for the rest of the day.

Pi Sigma Alpha held our annual forum this evening and although some rather...eccentric Tea Party characters came out, it was definitely an interesting event. The night finished off with going out for drinks with a few of our members, and it was just an overall great time. I felt so carefree.

There really is no point to this post, but to give a debrief of my day (even if it may not make very much sense). I just wanted to put it into writing, for myself, that I am happy.

Seattle Dreaming

I remember being obsessed with the idea of moving to Seattle at the end of freshman year. I looked at apartments, thought about how much money I should save, and dreamed of walking those streets right after graduating from college.

Well the weeks, months, and years passed, and I forgot about that dream. Or rather, thought it would be too impossible, too impractical to actually come to fruition. And I began, instead, to plan on staying in Los Angeles, even though it makes me miserable.

But then, Seattle creeped back into my mind. It somehow came up during discussion with my roommates and one thing led to another, and before you know it, the three of us had Seattle on our minds. We're looking at housing, applying for jobs, and are going to visit in mid-April.

I am filled with anxiety but also anticipation. I left my heart in Seattle and want to go find it again.

Breathing Freely

A few days ago, as I was getting dressed for class, putting on my makeup and singing along to the radio, I realized that I was filled with a sense of peace and contentment. All was well. It had been a rather long time since I'd last felt like that, it really took me by surprise. I just smiled and kept singing.

The few days since then have been rather unnerving and stressful. But today, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I can finally breathe and move on. Life's too short for sleepless nights and wasted thoughts so I'm moving on. And I'm breathing freely.

Keeping Time (Repost)

Breathe in - breathe out, count
  one
    two
      three
and I don't care anymore.

Breathe in - breathe out, count
  one
    two
      three
and I don't know you anymore.

Shooting Stars Behind Closed Eyes; Hidden Wishes

As I finally laid my weary head down, trying to calm the whispers in my mind
I squeezed my eyes shut and saw
a shooting star

and instantly thought
Of you.

Summer of Introspection

It seems that the general theme of this generation is feeling lost. Nobody knows what they are doing, or where they are going, or who they are. And there is nothing wrong with that. We're in our 20s and life just isn't as much of a straight shot as it was for our parents and we have endless possibilities, so many paths at our feet, but I guess this is where it becomes difficult. It's such a blessing, to have so many options, but it easily becomes a rut that we fall in to.We don't know what to choose or what to do so we do nothing and just go about our daily lives. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But personally, I'm getting sick of this rut.

I'm getting tired and fed up with myself for being at a standstill and not moving forward. I don't mean this in a sense that I should be more out in the world and doing some spectacular things, as I'm not even done with school yet, but that doesn't mean that I can't be making progress in other aspects of my life. I have been going through the motions for so long that I'm not quite sure what more there is to me.

My goal this summer is to spend intentional time looking into my mind and seeing what I find. I want to reassess my values, goals, and beliefs. It's been quite some time since I've thought about any of those things and I think it's time to start molding myself. I'm not expecting any tremendous epiphanies, I just hope I can catch a glimpse of who I am and I what I hope for out of life.

And I know that I just always need to remind myself that feeling lost does not necessarily mean being lost.

No Control

The past several weeks have been the most random and absurd weeks of my life, leading me to the conclusion that I have absolutely no control over my life. I can plan, and make lists, and run my little schemes, and think I have everything under my thumb, but in a split second, it can all completely change.

I have no control. And I'm okay with that. These past several weeks have taught me how to breathe easier and be more accepting to my circumstances, whatever they may be. I'm rolling with the punches, taking things as they come, and hoping, praying for the best. Because there's not much else I can do. And so be it.

Keeping Time

Breathe in - breathe out, count
  one
    two
      three
and I don't care anymore.

Breathe in - breathe out, count
  one
    two
      three
and I don't know you anymore.

Breathe

And suddenly I can't breathe.
And I don't know why.

wishful breath

I wish for the mountains

for the crisp cool air
for the wind to wisp through my hair to sting my cheeks
to take me away to take me to another place
somewhere far somewhere new yet I know
it will feel like home.

And I will breathe in a new breath a new life and breathe out
this bitter cold

City Lights

I could really use a nice, long, night walk in the city. Downtown Seattle comes to mind, but that's just a dream. But what a wonderful dream it is... I can just imagine strolling the streets, wandering through Pike Place Market, gazing through the shop windows... ah, that sounds heavenly. I'm tired of this Southern California sun, this humidity, and this polluted air. I'm not saying that Seattle's much cleaner, but that bay air is just so nice. Riding on the ferry to Bainbridge Island or just meandering down Alki Beach, the breath of fresh air really is of fresh air. And when the rain falls, the whole world smells alive. And those lights, those bright city lights...I have no words to describe them. They simply beacon me home. I want to be lost on those streets, walking without an aim, just enjoying my own company. Or if you were there, too, that'd be grand -- I wouldn't mind a hand to hold. And we'd stroll in silence, just relishing in being alive.

Just Breathe

I think it's time for me to start practicing what I preach. I should start taking my own advice. I oft find myself telling others to "relax, don't stress, things will work out in the end," but then, once I return to my own room, once I'm alone with my own thoughts, I do the exact opposite. I worry. I stress. I fret. Over my schoolwork, my relationships, my future, and everything in-between; over things I can and cannot control.

It's a really brisk, beautiful fall day in Azusa, and sitting here, outside of Starbucks with a Cinnamon Dolce Latte in hand, listening to sweet songs, enjoying the beauty of my surroundings, I find myself met with the reoccurring realization that these worries are pointless. It's not that I didn't know this before, I just tend to forget. I get so caught up in everything, get caught up in life, that after several sleepless nights, my worries get the best of me, and I catch myself spiraling down. But it's all pointless. Fretting over things beyond my control is futile; nothing is going to change their outcome. And stressing over things in my control is also useless, unless I begin to act on them. If I simply sit and worry, nothing will change. But if I get up and do something about it, they will. I know, it's a lot easier said than done when it comes to certain aspects of life, but you've got to start somewhere.

It's time for me to relax. Not stress. And believe that things will work out in the end, while doing my best with what I can. In short, I need to just breathe.