Solitude

I'm filled with an insatiable desire for solitude. It's always with me, tucked away in the corners of mind, always waiting to be acknowledged. I forget about it from time to time, but it's always there, and I always come back to it. And the coming back is always overwhelming but it's always a homecoming. It's something that I haven't been able to lose and I don't know if it's something that I'll ever be able to lose or if it's something that's always going to be there, always going to be waiting for me to give it attention, always waiting for me. Waiting for me to be a stranger among strangers because I guess that's where I imagine myself finding peace for myself and from myself and finding something, something that I'm searching for and hoping to find one day on the outskirts of everything I know and hoping, hoping for something that I don't know but all I know now, right now, is that I'm filled with an insatiable desire for solitude.

Wait

Graduation is in two weeks: at last! No more papers, no more readings, no more tests, no more -- wait. No more...friends. No more co-workers, no more roommates, no more of those who have shaped and molded my life and my mind and my very being for the past one two three four years -- no more. Wait. No more. No, I'm not ready for no more. Wait.

Ellie

I don't care what anyone says. Dog is man's (woman's) best friend. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. Who else is there, at 3:00 in the morning, when you're drunk off your ass, and running low on cigarettes? No person can bring that kind of comfort and love.

Andrew

I saw a stray photo of my little Andrew a few days ago and, well, he's not so little anymore. I was dumbfounded. Lexi was the one who posted it and although she's growing fast, it's just normal, and then especially Natalya, she's always been practically grown, but Andrew, my Andrew - I just, I'm at a loss for words. I don't know when this happened. I don't know how it came to being practically a year since I've seen him. I don't know how I could let my bitterness toward the community make me desert them, of all people. I don't know how I can bear him growing up without me.

The Day Your Dog Dies

You repeat to yourself - she's just a symbol. She's just a dog. Don't repeat this too many times, before you realize tears will be running down your cheeks to form tiny pools in the cracks in your palms.

The Day Your Dog Dies | Thought Catalog

RIP Max, RIP Jack. 

Feeling Sentimental

I don't often get very sentimental, but my heart is simply filled with love right now. I do love this place, and I do love these people. And I do love that place, and I do love those people. I've realized that no matter where I go, I will always be missing something and someone else. But I'm okay with that. I'm okay with leaving bits and pieces of my heart scattered about, because what good is a whole heart, not shared, kept to itself and alone?

Best Friends

I'm so inexplicably blessed by the best friends that I have, by the fact that I'm lucky enough to have more than one and by the fact that they are such glorious, wonderful, kind, beautiful people. (They're also selfish and sarcastic and stubborn and snippy, but in spite of it all - astounding.) Sometimes I take them for granted, but then other times I get caught up in thinking about them and I don't understand how I came to be so fortunate. To have these people with whom I can share my life and my mind - it's an incredible godsend.

My best friends, I miss you.
Always, with much love, I miss you.

I Miss You

I don't want to go out and socialize and joke and laugh. But I don't want to be alone, either. I just want to sit and be with you. I don't want to talk to you, but I want you to talk to me. You don't need to try to make me feel better, because nothing is really wrong, I just want your voice to fill the silence. You can talk about everything or nothing significant at all, you can spin ridiculous tales or tell me about your day - anything, anything you'd like.
But I am here and you are there, and I guess I just miss you.

Just Another Aching Heart

With summer just around the corner, I can't help but think back to the past one, and I am faced with having to remember all that I lost...


Jack. Good, sweet, dumb Jack. He was so loud, so annoying, and so troublesome. But also so sweet, so loving, so adorable, so innocent, and so playful. He was one of my babies. And I loved him. God, I loved him so much. He wasn't "just a dog," and if you say that then you can't possibly understand, because we are most certainly not on the same level. It didn't matter that he was a dog. He was my companion, my doorkeeper, my ally, my joy, my love. And then because of someone's careless mistake, he was gone.
Gone. Just like that, gone. Forever. And I'm left with my final memory of him being his still, unresponsive body lying on the side of the road. He looked like he was sleeping. The way he looked every morning at the foot of my bed. But this time his ears didn't twitch. His tail didn't flick. And he never got up. And that is an image that will forever be imprinted in my mind. It's the first one that flashes across my eyes when I think of him, and I don't know how to deal with that. I just miss him. I miss that stupid, annoying, stubborn, cuddly ball of fur. And I'd give anything to have him wake me up  too early in the morning with his incessant barking just once more.


Ian. God, it's so unfair. He went through so much shit before he even turned one. And it didn't get any easier with time. He had a good thing going at the Paranal house, but then life happened. And with only a few short hours notice, he was gone.I remember that summer day...we all knew it was bound to happen, but we thought for sure they'd at least give us a week's notice, at least a few days...but they didn't. Just a simple "we're picking him up today." And that was that. I didn't want to let him go, but I only had a few minutes to hug him longer, to give him a few final kisses.
That kid was so annoying sometimes. He was so bratty and spoiled and fussy, but he could always put a smile on my face. I was going to be his godmother. I dreamed of the day that it would be official, that I would really be his ninang, but it never came. He was taken away from us and we don't know where he is.
I hope he's with another family, a better family. He deserves the best there is. I hope he has all the toys he could imagine, a doggy to play with, and all the love that he deserves. I hope that life has finally started going uphill for him. For God's sake, the child is three years old. He deserves a break.
One day, LeAndrew Eugene Smith, I will find you. And once again you will bring me happiness, in place of all these tears.


Friends. The ones with which I survived high school, did the stupidest things, talked the most trash, had the most fun, and loved the most. I lost a few really good ones, a few really great ones. Because of stupidity. We were all stupid. Cooler heads did not prevail and we lost something amazing. I was looking through some pictures from senior year a few days ago, and they only made me sad. We've reconciled since, but we don't talk like that anymore. We don't laugh like that anymore. We don't hug like that anymore. I don't even know if we care like that anymore. And that is just heartbreaking. Our lives have been intertwined for eight years, and what's to show for it? All I see is that we are still stubborn, still immature, still haughty, and still stupid. I hope that someday, and someday soon, we'll grow up. That we'll grow out of our insecurities and our grudges. Because I still love them. I love them so much, and I never stopped loving them.
I hope we'll be so much better than we ever were.



It's the middle of the night, and I'm alone in the dark with my hurt, my regrets, and my tears. But that's not so special. I'm just another aching heart facing another silent night.