22 February - Blurbs

I don't know where I am.

I'm taking risks, saying things I'd never say with a sober mind.

I haven't spoken to you in weeks, but know that I love you -- always.

I equally want you to remember me as much as I want you to forget me, as much as I want to forget and to remember you.

I don't know where I am. I don't know who I am.

Find me. Forget me. Lose me.

Distance

They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder, but no - no, this isn't true. Distance simply gives a delusion of fondness. The further away you are, the more appealing it (whether it be a person or place) appears. The faults and shortcomings shrink, producing a false portrayal of perfection. Your memories trick you into viewing it through a more pleasant, more loving, more joyful filter, making whatever your current state is seem so incredibly dull and ordinary.

The mind loves to play its tricks, always teasing with skewed nostalgia, always making you want something that is no longer (or not yet) within your reach. Distance does not make the heart grow fonder; it tricks the heart into fondness.

Stuck in a Dream

I feel so stuck in this life. I want nothing more than to be sitting outside some quaint, little cafe, enjoying the warm sunshine and the cool breeze, listening to jazz. I want to be alone or with one of my few friends with whom I can talk about the real things, things that actually matter and stimulate introspection, not just the colloquial, inconsequential things that tend to domineer conversations these days.

I'm currently reading Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald and it's - good God, it's beautiful. It's as if his pen was bleeding beauty and emotion itself. It is just so bewitching and elegant and smooth - it makes me feel like I belong in a different era.

It makes me feel like an old soul, yearning to be back in the times of the roaring twenties, the jazz age, but instead I'm here. I'm here in the midst of hip hop and pop culture and societies that have lost the understanding of beauty, in regard to all things.

I feel so fed up with the world around me at times, with the attitudes and standards and beliefs that dominate our communities, all I want to do is run away. It is not like my desire to escape, but a different sort of running. The kind where I eventually find a place where true beauty, creativity, intellect, conversation, hope, and happiness reside.

Hopefully I will find this place one day, and hopefully you'll be right there with me, by my side. But I guess in the mean time, I'll be stuck in a dream.

I Miss You

I don't want to go out and socialize and joke and laugh. But I don't want to be alone, either. I just want to sit and be with you. I don't want to talk to you, but I want you to talk to me. You don't need to try to make me feel better, because nothing is really wrong, I just want your voice to fill the silence. You can talk about everything or nothing significant at all, you can spin ridiculous tales or tell me about your day - anything, anything you'd like.
But I am here and you are there, and I guess I just miss you.

Nostalgia

Walking into a little shop by the name of "Country General Store," I was hit with a wave of pumpkin and cinnamon scents that sprouted from the candles littered about: it smelled like fall and winter. I was immediately taken back to feelings of home and of the holidays, and nostalgia hit me like a brick.

Overcome with reminiscence, I just stood there for a moment. I'd been so busy with school and work and life, I hadn't noticed how long it's been since I've been home and how long it will be until I go back. And then I realized just how much I miss it. I miss home and Ellie and especially my boys and especially my girls. There are so many wonderful, beautiful people that are so far away, I don't quite know what to do with myself. I guess there's not much I can do, but wait. So I'll be waiting for the holidays and the parties, for the fires and the chats, for the sweet reunions.

It's not often that I'm filled with such nostalgia, but when it does come around, it hits me hard. But all that's now left to say is, December, do hurry along and get here soon. There are so many I'd love to see and embrace. ♥

City Lights

I could really use a nice, long, night walk in the city. Downtown Seattle comes to mind, but that's just a dream. But what a wonderful dream it is... I can just imagine strolling the streets, wandering through Pike Place Market, gazing through the shop windows... ah, that sounds heavenly. I'm tired of this Southern California sun, this humidity, and this polluted air. I'm not saying that Seattle's much cleaner, but that bay air is just so nice. Riding on the ferry to Bainbridge Island or just meandering down Alki Beach, the breath of fresh air really is of fresh air. And when the rain falls, the whole world smells alive. And those lights, those bright city lights...I have no words to describe them. They simply beacon me home. I want to be lost on those streets, walking without an aim, just enjoying my own company. Or if you were there, too, that'd be grand -- I wouldn't mind a hand to hold. And we'd stroll in silence, just relishing in being alive.

Seattle

My life is like a rolling river
So muddy and absurd
And although I might be mistaken
I know that I'll be heard
And I find the second I try to pull away
I'm thrown back in line
All this time

So, rain on my hopes
Rain on my soul
Rain on everything that I know
It feels so ludicrous
The pursuit of this dream
We thought we'd be there long ago

And we are looking for the same thing, the same thing
Seattle is calling me back home, back home

- The Classic Crime, "Seattle"


Seattle is calling me back home.
I'll be back there soon. Just two and a half more years..

Homesick for a Place that Doesn't Exist

I've been feeling a bit nostalgic lately, but not for anything familiar. I've been feeling homesick, but not for my home. I was in Roseville just a little over a month ago, but it feels like it's been ages. And with me not going back for Spring Break and all, I'm feeling somewhat stuck here. I feel like I want to leave, but I don't know where I want to go. There are some in and near Roseville whom I wish to see, but only a select few. It's not that I have anything against the rest of them, I just feel like I don't need to see them. Not quite yet.

I feel like I want to go back to something familiar, but not too familiar. I feel like I want to see some familiar faces, but not too familiar. I guess what I want is to be somewhere that I vaguely know and know that acquaintances are nearby, but not have to see them.

Or I want to go somewhere completely new. Somewhere I have never been, a place where nobody knows me. I admit that does sound a bit lonely, but more-so exciting. I do not have a problem with solitude, and enjoy entertaining the idea of simply going away for a while and relishing in it. Going somewhere I can be on my own, where I can spend my days sleeping and my nights lounging in cafes, watching films, going to art exhibits, reading all those books I haven't had the chance to get around to. But of course this is only a dream. Because something like that takes money, and lots of it. Something I happen to be lacking.

I feel like I am searching for something, wanting to return to something, to somewhere, but I don't know what or where. Because what I am is homesick for a place that doesn't exist. And that's hard to wrestle with.

So back to dreaming I go.