Seattle Dreaming

I remember being obsessed with the idea of moving to Seattle at the end of freshman year. I looked at apartments, thought about how much money I should save, and dreamed of walking those streets right after graduating from college.

Well the weeks, months, and years passed, and I forgot about that dream. Or rather, thought it would be too impossible, too impractical to actually come to fruition. And I began, instead, to plan on staying in Los Angeles, even though it makes me miserable.

But then, Seattle creeped back into my mind. It somehow came up during discussion with my roommates and one thing led to another, and before you know it, the three of us had Seattle on our minds. We're looking at housing, applying for jobs, and are going to visit in mid-April.

I am filled with anxiety but also anticipation. I left my heart in Seattle and want to go find it again.

Wants

I just want to be done with this semester, but I don't want my time here to end. I just want to know what you're thinking, but I don't want to tell you my thoughts. I just want you to forget about me, but I equally want to be remembered. I just want to be stubbornly strong, but I'm a lot weaker than I care to admit. I just want to go somewhere and think, but here there's nowhere to be alone. I just want to laugh it off, but it's much more annoying than humorous. I just want to cry a little, but tears never did any good. I just want to ignore you so that you can get a taste of your own medicine, but I always cave. I just want to be able to sleep, but something is keeping me up.

Doubt

It's just one of those days where I find myself doubting anything and everything. Even the things I hold most true, even the things I hold closest to my heart, even you.

I don't know why, I don't have any explanation - I just know I have a feeling of general discontent with everything I hear, I read, I know. And I can't quite decide if it is a feeling of the heart or one of the mind, if it is logic that is telling me to be doubtful or if it is my gut. I'm just unsettled.

And confused. Particularly concerning past decisions - whether I did the best thing in choosing this or sharing that; I just can't seem to determine whether I made the best choices. This is not to be mistaken with regret, I do not regret, I just can't help but wonder the age old question of "what if I had chosen/done/said ____ instead." These thoughts are just as pointless as regret, for nothing will change the outcome or the future that is to come, but yet...

I am generally sure of myself. I am generally confident in what I do, what I believe, what I choose. But yet I am unable to shake this doubt.