Here

I may be unemployed, I may be living with my grandparents, I may have a single friend, but it doesn't matter. At least I am here. Finally, I am here.

Dreaming

I'm dreaming of a rainy day, followed by a stormy, chilly night. And the power going out, and bringing the candles out, and not wanting to step a single toe out. I'm dreaming of becoming mountains, with blankets and blankets piled atop us, and only a couple fingers peeking out to put down our cards. I'm dreaming of the chill creeping toward us, but the laughter and delight warming us from within. I'm dreaming of a late, dark, night, filled with simple pleasures and cheer, filled with love so warm, it keeps the shivers at bay. I'm dreaming.

Debrief

I woke up this morning earlier than I have on a weekday for several weeks now, and had my first official day at my new internship, and it turned out to be the start of an amazing day. I ended up staying an hour later than I was scheduled because I was determined to figure out why the stupid website wasn't doing what I wanted it to do, but it finally worked! It may have been a small goal to reach, in the grand scheme of things, but I walked away feeling so accomplished -- I don't remember the last time I felt that successful. It left me with a pleasant disposition for the rest of the day.

Pi Sigma Alpha held our annual forum this evening and although some rather...eccentric Tea Party characters came out, it was definitely an interesting event. The night finished off with going out for drinks with a few of our members, and it was just an overall great time. I felt so carefree.

There really is no point to this post, but to give a debrief of my day (even if it may not make very much sense). I just wanted to put it into writing, for myself, that I am happy.

Let's Take a Train Ride to Anywhere

Let's take a train ride to anywhere and when we get there we won't know where we are and we won't care. We'll find a coffee café and drink some espressos and lounge in the chairs outside, and maybe have a cigarette. We'll converse for a while and then sit quietly because we don't need words to fill the spaces between us and we'll just breathe in the moment and then breathe it out. I'll smile at you and you'll wink back and then we'll have a laugh, realizing that several hours have passed and it's time to be on our way. We'll get back on that train and maybe doze a little bit to the rhythmic turnings of the wheels on the tracks and when we finally arrive, we'll collapse on the couch and dream of future train rides, together and apart.

Stuck in a Dream

I feel so stuck in this life. I want nothing more than to be sitting outside some quaint, little cafe, enjoying the warm sunshine and the cool breeze, listening to jazz. I want to be alone or with one of my few friends with whom I can talk about the real things, things that actually matter and stimulate introspection, not just the colloquial, inconsequential things that tend to domineer conversations these days.

I'm currently reading Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald and it's - good God, it's beautiful. It's as if his pen was bleeding beauty and emotion itself. It is just so bewitching and elegant and smooth - it makes me feel like I belong in a different era.

It makes me feel like an old soul, yearning to be back in the times of the roaring twenties, the jazz age, but instead I'm here. I'm here in the midst of hip hop and pop culture and societies that have lost the understanding of beauty, in regard to all things.

I feel so fed up with the world around me at times, with the attitudes and standards and beliefs that dominate our communities, all I want to do is run away. It is not like my desire to escape, but a different sort of running. The kind where I eventually find a place where true beauty, creativity, intellect, conversation, hope, and happiness reside.

Hopefully I will find this place one day, and hopefully you'll be right there with me, by my side. But I guess in the mean time, I'll be stuck in a dream.

Happiness

Everybody is searching for something to believe in, something to live for, and there seems to be a general consensus of what we're all trying to reach: happiness. Money, relationships, education - all worthless if when you're in bed at night, on the brink of sleep, and you're miserable.

Happiness. An abstract idea, but more so a destination; a destination that can be reached through many routes. My happiness will be different than yours, but if they happen to at some point intertwine - that's wonderful. That's wonderful and magical and beautiful. And if not, so be it. But that's not to say that we still can't walk side by side and share our lives.

Happiness. To succeed in making it a constant state of being would truly be a great accomplishment. But in the meantime, search for the little things. The little, everyday things that make your heart smile.

Get a puppy. Drink more coffee, drink more tea. Read a marvelous book. Watch your favorite movie. Write a little. Sing a lot. Give a pretty girl a flower. Give a cute boy a kiss. Go on a hike. Swing dance. Savor the sun on your skin, the wind in your hair, and welcome the rain when it falls. Ride a bike. Eat something new. Find your faith. Love yourself - your mind, your body, your soul. Stop finding fault where there is none, and change your perspective. Run. Find your passion and envelop yourself in it. Connect with a friend on a deeper level. Go someplace new. Love and let yourself be loved. Just live. Live and keep living; you're bound to find something that brings you joy.

But in your search, do not become selfish. Do not become self-absorbed and self-centered. Remember that sometimes you have to sacrifice a part of your happiness, a part of your sanity, a part of yourself for the ones that you love, to help them find a piece of their happiness. And in time, they'll do the same for you. Love and let yourself be loved.

Happiness. A daily and life-long goal for each of us.

Best of luck to you.