In Search of Inner Peace: Beginnings

"Write hard and clear about what hurts." - Ernest Hemingway

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When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up. I couldn't wait to grow up because I had this vision in my mind, this idea, that when I was older, everything was going to be okay. Everything was going to be right, everything was going to be as it should be. I was going to be okay, I was going to be fixed -- I wasn't going to be sick anymore. 

I'm not sure what put this idea in my head, but I just couldn't imagine a future where I was still sick. Surely, it had to end. But high school came and went, then 18, 19, 20, and.... nothing. Nothing changed.

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I feel betrayed by my body. I feel angry and cheated. This isn't how it's supposed to be, this isn't how it's supposed to work, but that's just it - it doesn't work. Something went haywire in my immune system and instead of functioning properly, it can't tell the difference between healthy and foreign cells, so it goes into overdrive, leading to joints that swell and bones that ache, skin cells that don't know when to stop reproducing, causing bright red patches across my face and limbs, and leaving a body and mind that feel tired beyond their years.

So here I am at 23, feeling betrayed and tired. But also feeling like I'm finally ready to come to terms with my body, my reality, myself. There are a lot of things that I've kept bottled up my entire life, things I've never faced or vocalized or worked through, things that have caused so much inner turmoil and anxiety. But I think I am finally ready to start letting go and to start on this journey of searching for inner peace. I'll try to be as brutally honest, transparent, and vulnerable as I could possibly be -- feel free to come along for the ride.

Solitude

I'm filled with an insatiable desire for solitude. It's always with me, tucked away in the corners of mind, always waiting to be acknowledged. I forget about it from time to time, but it's always there, and I always come back to it. And the coming back is always overwhelming but it's always a homecoming. It's something that I haven't been able to lose and I don't know if it's something that I'll ever be able to lose or if it's something that's always going to be there, always going to be waiting for me to give it attention, always waiting for me. Waiting for me to be a stranger among strangers because I guess that's where I imagine myself finding peace for myself and from myself and finding something, something that I'm searching for and hoping to find one day on the outskirts of everything I know and hoping, hoping for something that I don't know but all I know now, right now, is that I'm filled with an insatiable desire for solitude.

tired

I feel like I've been underwater for the past month and I'm finally trying to catch a breath but instead of relief I just feel

tired.

23 Lessons Learned Over 23 Years

Hearts break in different ways - from love, from hate, from distance, from indifference. It takes some time, and sometimes a little whiskey, but they'll always mend in the end.

There's nothing wrong with not having your life figured out at any given moment; there's nothing wrong with taking it day by day; there's nothing wrong with just living.

It's okay to find and lose and find and lose and find your faith on your own terms.

If where you live makes you miserable, move.

For the most part, people just want to be heard. Be as present as possible when someone is talking to you, especially when it's about something that's been clawing at them, something that they need to get off their chest, something that takes effort to say. Just because you're sitting next to someone doesn't mean you're really there.

It's hard to hate your body when you're in awe of what it can do for you.

If you need to make yourself feel better, do something kind and thoughtful for someone else.

You have the right to cut toxic relationships out of your life, no matter what they may be. You are not obligated to appease anyone at the sake of your own well-being and mental health.

Age is a feeling more than it is a number.

Everyone is fighting their own demons, so do your best to be kind.

Don't compare your life's trajectory to that of your peers - everyone finds success and happiness in different ways, and they come in different forms.

There are many things to be learned from our furry best friends: how to love unconditionally, how to be loyal, how to not hold grudges, how to be carefree, how to always be ready and willing to receive love.

Be generous - with your time, your money, and your love. Being selfish is easy, but it will make you bitter in the end.

Losing sleep is always worth it if it means you can be there for a friend.

Everyone has their vices. Don't feel too guilty about them if they're all that help you get through the day, just be sure to stay safe.

Sometimes, all you can do for someone is be alone with them - words and actions aren't always necessary.

Apologize when you've done or said something wrong, otherwise your stubbornness will just come back to bite you.

When you put positive energy out into the universe, it comes back to you.

You can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped, but that doesn't mean you should never try.

Spending several days in your room watching Netflix or reading books or playing music or writing stories is perfectly okay. We recuperate in different ways - if you need to be alone, be alone. Don't let anyone guilt you into not taking time for yourself.

Don't underestimate the power of compassion.

Make sure the people you love know that you love them; it's better to be overly affectionate than overly reserved.

There's always more to learn.

A Series of Non Sequiturial Thoughts: pt. II

There have been so many things that I've been wanting to, needing to, write about, but I just haven't quite been able to do it, and everything is now bubbling, bubbling under the surface and slowly leaking in and out of my mind and I can't stop dwelling on so many different thoughts and feelings and so here it now leads to another series of non sequiturial thoughts.

I'm so torn about who I am and what I believe and how I feel; there are so many contradictions and inconsistencies and paradoxes swirling inside of me, I can't make sense of anything. I am so confident yet so insecure at the same time, I feel so worthy and worthless in the same breath, I feel so hopeful and hopeless all at once, I'm running out of breath just running around in my own head.

I'm still wondering if non sequiturial is even a word and finding it strange that we can convince ourselves that a word is a word by repeating it over and over again until the very idea of it not being a word becomes absurd, just as it is the same with all of the other delusions in our lives that we convince ourselves are reality -- repetition remains key, to perfection and likewise to destruction.

I went a little delirious last weekend and I'm glad that I have a fever to blame it on because I look back at that broken, crying mess and think, "Who is that?" I don't recognize that girl who laid in bed crying over a disillusioned view of a boy, but I guess that was me and I guess I have to come to terms with it sooner or later.

Coming back to work was rough after a week and half of time off but I unknowingly gave myself an attitude check and came to the realization that there was much too much pride in my mind and I thought, "Wow, I need to really humble myself right now." And I did and instantly - my day was turned around and I've spent the past three days in the best mental mindset that I've experienced at work in the past six months.

I'm still just trying to be a good person and I just want someone as good as you to see something good in me, but I won't let you turn loving me into your own personal martyrdom.

I keep feeling like I'm drowning, momentarily, here and there, but I'm able to come up for air just enough to not drift away, but it's so exhausting that I just want to feel like I have someone on my team, something looking after me and leading me along.

I can't even imagine what this coming year will bring but I'm doing my best, I'm doing my very best to be my very best and so I'm keeping my eyes and my heart open wide and I just hope that you'll be with me, alongside me to talk me through it and maybe we can go through it together and maybe, maybe I'll soon be able to stop rambling and just -- breathe.

Sleep

I either lose sleep
for you
or
because of you.

- Kayla Hollatz, "Slumber"

Good

I just want to be a good person. I'm not quite sure what that means, but I think it means being there for those who need you (even when, especially when, they don't tell you), engaging with and including those who are 'beneath' you,  being present, being attentive, being accepting, being open, being free. I don't really know what being 'good' entails, but all I know is I just want to be a good person.

You

I want to spill all my secrets to you. I want to tell you all the things I've never told a soul. I want to tell you everything I'm feeling, everything I'm scared of, everything I'm thinking of in this moment. I want to stay in bed with you and exchange stupid jokes and life lessons in the same breath. I want you to pry into my heart and my soul, I want you to be there, I want you to ask all the things that no one's asked me before, and I want you take me for what I am and what I'm not.

Love Surrounds

I think I'm finally realizing how much love surrounds me. In my grandmother's tearful prayers, I see love. In my friends' telephone conversations as I commute home from work, I see love. In my brother's ever-ready loans, I see love. In my dog's eager, ever-playful eyes, I see love. In my former manager's comments, I see love. In my solitude, when a text of well-wishing comes to the screen, I see love. In my mother's calls, no matter how many times I ignore them, I see love. In my best friend's understanding gaze, I see love.

I am just now realizing how much love surrounds me. And I am so, so grateful.

I hope that I can express my gratitude, sooner or later.

Hump Day

What a terrible week.

Here

I may be unemployed, I may be living with my grandparents, I may have a single friend, but it doesn't matter. At least I am here. Finally, I am here.

Wait

Graduation is in two weeks: at last! No more papers, no more readings, no more tests, no more -- wait. No more...friends. No more co-workers, no more roommates, no more of those who have shaped and molded my life and my mind and my very being for the past one two three four years -- no more. Wait. No more. No, I'm not ready for no more. Wait.

Conceal to Reveal

With all the talk going around about "real beauty," not only are extravagant uses of Photoshop critiqued, but often times, any use of makeup is tossed into the mix. People are often telling women, "You don't need make-up to be beautiful; you're perfect the way you are!" and others saying they like the "natural" look. But in the same breath, they often tell their female peers that they look sick or tired when they fail to wear mascara or eyeliner.

Everyone has a preconceived notion of what others are supposed to look like. Critiques of the above are many, but those are for another time, another day. Today, I am making a case for the positive aspect of using makeup and giving into these preconceived notions.

I have been wearing make up for years. And the reason behind it is perfectly summarized with Dermablend's Camo Confessions campaign. You can view the most recent videos here.

I do not put on make-up every day to fake who I am, to "trick" anyone, or put on a false persona. On the contrary, I do it so that people can instead see who I really am -- the sarcastic, witty, emotional, loyal, indecisive person that I am. Because if I didn't, they would instead focus on my physical appearance. The preconceived notion that I am ascribing to is looking normal.

Perfect skin is not something that I have been blessed with. I'm not talking about acne or pimples; I have instead been beautified with a continuous, crimson complexion. And I do not want that to be the first thing that people see and judge me by. I want people to look past my skin and instead judge me by the content of my character, however charming or repellent it may be. And that is why I conceal to reveal. I wear my makeup, and I wear it proudly, because it helps me be who I want to be -- my face is a canvas, one where I can show the rest of the world how I see myself, how I hope that it can see me. And for that, I will not be ashamed.

Seattle Dreaming

I remember being obsessed with the idea of moving to Seattle at the end of freshman year. I looked at apartments, thought about how much money I should save, and dreamed of walking those streets right after graduating from college.

Well the weeks, months, and years passed, and I forgot about that dream. Or rather, thought it would be too impossible, too impractical to actually come to fruition. And I began, instead, to plan on staying in Los Angeles, even though it makes me miserable.

But then, Seattle creeped back into my mind. It somehow came up during discussion with my roommates and one thing led to another, and before you know it, the three of us had Seattle on our minds. We're looking at housing, applying for jobs, and are going to visit in mid-April.

I am filled with anxiety but also anticipation. I left my heart in Seattle and want to go find it again.

Today

I went to the Health Center today and they prescribed me sleep-aid medication. I think this is about five years overdue.

She said it should help with my anxiety.

Laughing with Life

February 2014 was the strangest month of my life. My personal, physical, and professional lives have been flipped and jerked around, and I'm at the point where if life throws any other punches at me, I'm not even going to try to duck or brace myself. All I can do at this point is shrug, throw up my hands, and laugh.

I'm Not Sorry

I'm done apologizing for what I want and what I need. Never again will I utter a "sorry" after texting you, again, after I've been drinking because I stop myself when I'm sober. When I'm sober I rationalize and tell myself, "No, there's no need to bother him; he's busy, he'll talk to me when he has time." But those rationalizations don't overcome my desire to know that I am present and on your mind. I am done apologizing for wanting to know that just because I'm out of sight, doesn't mean I'm out of mind; I am done with waiting on you to grace me with your attention; I am done with hanging on to your every word. I want affirmation, and this does not make me "clingy" or "needy." (The audacity, wanting to know that I am appreciated and loved...) This is what I want, this is what I need, and for that, never again, will I be sorry.

Breathing Freely

A few days ago, as I was getting dressed for class, putting on my makeup and singing along to the radio, I realized that I was filled with a sense of peace and contentment. All was well. It had been a rather long time since I'd last felt like that, it really took me by surprise. I just smiled and kept singing.

The few days since then have been rather unnerving and stressful. But today, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I can finally breathe and move on. Life's too short for sleepless nights and wasted thoughts so I'm moving on. And I'm breathing freely.

Lessons I Wish I Had Learned Last Year

The people that surround you are only going to be there for so long - enjoy them while you can. Netflix isn't going anywhere.
If you're too drunk to drive, you also probably shouldn't be texting or calling anyone.
Thursday night classes are the worst idea.
When you try to beat someone else to the punch, you're just knocking the air out of yourself.
Working twelve hours in a row between two jobs is never a good idea. It's not worth it.
Weekend shifts are also never worth it.
Read in the foreign languages that you know, or you'll forget them.
You shouldn't spend 75% of your paycheck within two days of payday.
Always go on more walks.
Let love breathe.

Words pt. II

As the road to hell is paved with good intentions, so are the words stemming from your lips. You'd wish to shower your affections on the cracks in my mind and my heart in hopes of allowing flowers to spud and to bloom from within, to nourish my life and make it rosy but you can't -- you can't. I won't let you because your words are so sweet, I would breathe them in and swallow them whole but I can't -- I can't. Because your words are lathered with honey and are whispered with the best of intentions but that's where it ends. That's where it ends.