Dreaming

I'm dreaming of a rainy day, followed by a stormy, chilly night. And the power going out, and bringing the candles out, and not wanting to step a single toe out. I'm dreaming of becoming mountains, with blankets and blankets piled atop us, and only a couple fingers peeking out to put down our cards. I'm dreaming of the chill creeping toward us, but the laughter and delight warming us from within. I'm dreaming of a late, dark, night, filled with simple pleasures and cheer, filled with love so warm, it keeps the shivers at bay. I'm dreaming.

A Midnight Conversation

"Do you ever think about just moving, getting away from that tied down feeling?"
"Yeah, that's actually something that has been on my mind for years, and is always crouching in the corners. Just leaving, starting somewhere new. It's very enticing."
(Jokingly) "We should move away together."
"No, you don't understand. For me, leaving means leaving everything -- and everyone. And just being alone."

There's a pause.

"Sounds lonely."
"Sounds free."

Patience

Be steady, my heart. Good things come to those who wait.

Stuck in a Dream

I feel so stuck in this life. I want nothing more than to be sitting outside some quaint, little cafe, enjoying the warm sunshine and the cool breeze, listening to jazz. I want to be alone or with one of my few friends with whom I can talk about the real things, things that actually matter and stimulate introspection, not just the colloquial, inconsequential things that tend to domineer conversations these days.

I'm currently reading Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald and it's - good God, it's beautiful. It's as if his pen was bleeding beauty and emotion itself. It is just so bewitching and elegant and smooth - it makes me feel like I belong in a different era.

It makes me feel like an old soul, yearning to be back in the times of the roaring twenties, the jazz age, but instead I'm here. I'm here in the midst of hip hop and pop culture and societies that have lost the understanding of beauty, in regard to all things.

I feel so fed up with the world around me at times, with the attitudes and standards and beliefs that dominate our communities, all I want to do is run away. It is not like my desire to escape, but a different sort of running. The kind where I eventually find a place where true beauty, creativity, intellect, conversation, hope, and happiness reside.

Hopefully I will find this place one day, and hopefully you'll be right there with me, by my side. But I guess in the mean time, I'll be stuck in a dream.

Home

It always seem so much better from further away. Every time I return, I remember why it was I so desperately wanted to leave. And every time I return, I dream of packing Ellie and my things and just running. Running away from all the burdens and reminders of all the problems and shortcomings of the past and the present, and running to peace and denial, to something new.

Maybe one day I'll run, but probably not. Maybe one day I'll find some place called home where I will actually want to stay. Maybe one day.

But probably not.

Seattle

My life is like a rolling river
So muddy and absurd
And although I might be mistaken
I know that I'll be heard
And I find the second I try to pull away
I'm thrown back in line
All this time

So, rain on my hopes
Rain on my soul
Rain on everything that I know
It feels so ludicrous
The pursuit of this dream
We thought we'd be there long ago

And we are looking for the same thing, the same thing
Seattle is calling me back home, back home

- The Classic Crime, "Seattle"


Seattle is calling me back home.
I'll be back there soon. Just two and a half more years..

Homesick for a Place that Doesn't Exist

I've been feeling a bit nostalgic lately, but not for anything familiar. I've been feeling homesick, but not for my home. I was in Roseville just a little over a month ago, but it feels like it's been ages. And with me not going back for Spring Break and all, I'm feeling somewhat stuck here. I feel like I want to leave, but I don't know where I want to go. There are some in and near Roseville whom I wish to see, but only a select few. It's not that I have anything against the rest of them, I just feel like I don't need to see them. Not quite yet.

I feel like I want to go back to something familiar, but not too familiar. I feel like I want to see some familiar faces, but not too familiar. I guess what I want is to be somewhere that I vaguely know and know that acquaintances are nearby, but not have to see them.

Or I want to go somewhere completely new. Somewhere I have never been, a place where nobody knows me. I admit that does sound a bit lonely, but more-so exciting. I do not have a problem with solitude, and enjoy entertaining the idea of simply going away for a while and relishing in it. Going somewhere I can be on my own, where I can spend my days sleeping and my nights lounging in cafes, watching films, going to art exhibits, reading all those books I haven't had the chance to get around to. But of course this is only a dream. Because something like that takes money, and lots of it. Something I happen to be lacking.

I feel like I am searching for something, wanting to return to something, to somewhere, but I don't know what or where. Because what I am is homesick for a place that doesn't exist. And that's hard to wrestle with.

So back to dreaming I go.