Seattle Dreaming

I remember being obsessed with the idea of moving to Seattle at the end of freshman year. I looked at apartments, thought about how much money I should save, and dreamed of walking those streets right after graduating from college.

Well the weeks, months, and years passed, and I forgot about that dream. Or rather, thought it would be too impossible, too impractical to actually come to fruition. And I began, instead, to plan on staying in Los Angeles, even though it makes me miserable.

But then, Seattle creeped back into my mind. It somehow came up during discussion with my roommates and one thing led to another, and before you know it, the three of us had Seattle on our minds. We're looking at housing, applying for jobs, and are going to visit in mid-April.

I am filled with anxiety but also anticipation. I left my heart in Seattle and want to go find it again.

Breathing Freely

A few days ago, as I was getting dressed for class, putting on my makeup and singing along to the radio, I realized that I was filled with a sense of peace and contentment. All was well. It had been a rather long time since I'd last felt like that, it really took me by surprise. I just smiled and kept singing.

The few days since then have been rather unnerving and stressful. But today, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I can finally breathe and move on. Life's too short for sleepless nights and wasted thoughts so I'm moving on. And I'm breathing freely.

Goodbyes

"You don't need me to love you."
"But I want you to."

Forgetting & Loving

Forget the ones that forgot you but never forget the love that you're capable of.

Never Coming, Never Going

I am never coming back -- there is nothing calling me, nothing drawing me in, nothing. It was never a home but a house filled with strangers and I was nothing more than a transient waiting for the moment I could move on and away and anyway if home is where the heart is then I'm still searching, I'm still looking for my heart. Blood is not thicker than water and it is all now just water under the bridge and you can take your words and your thoughts and just toss them into that stream and forget about me as surely as I will forget about you -- I am never going back.

If I Could

I love you. But if I could, I would leave you. If it meant I would never see you again, never speak to you again, if it meant I would lose your companionship, lose your affection and support, lose you - I would be devastated. It would be hard. But time has a funny way of numbing the pain. And the mind has a funny way of blocking out the memories. If it meant that I would have a chance to be someone, somewhere new, I would do it. Would it be worth it? Probably not. But it's a chance that I would find myself selfishly taking. I love you. But if I could, I would let you go.
(I'm sorry.)

Moving On - 2012

A reflection on 2011, a projection on 2012. (Several days late, and not too articulate, but bear with me here.)

I changed a lot in the past twelve months. I figured out what I want to study. I found that I was focusing a lot of thought, time, and energy on people from my past and I that I had spent a lot of time taking many, many wonderful friends for granted because I was so focused on those wrong ones, and I learned to let go. I learned how to move on and take things as they come. I became more responsible, in regards to academics and work. I had the some of the absolute best professors, classmates, and coworkers. I began cursing a lot more. I became more cynical, but also more trusting. I opened up to a stranger and then regretted it and then got over it. I formed friendships that I know will last, and strengthened existing ones. I had the best vacations (summer and winter) of my life. I got a tattoo. I learned how to drive stick shift. I realized that I really am an adult, even though I don't seem like it. I started learning from my mistakes a lot more often. I recognized how irrational and heated I can get over little things, and learned how to think twice before acting/speaking on whims. I changed a lot, much more than I can state in a few sentences.

I still don't really know who I am, or what I'm doing, or what I'm looking for, but I guess one day I'll figure it out. So here's to 2012 - may it be an even better year, or may it kick my ass. Either way, let's have it.

Letting Go

It's time for letting go. Letting go of the past and of the wishful thinking, and accepting the present reality. Things are not the same as they were, and they never will be again. It doesn't matter how good they were back when, or how much history there is, they won't repeat themselves.

Things change, people change. I've been a fool to think that we could turn back the clock, to bring us to how we were. Yes, we did everything together. Yes, we spent many crucial days, months, years together. Yes, we had a good run. But that's history. That's a chapter of my life that's ended and frankly, ended quite a while ago. And I don't want things to go to the way they were because they simply wouldn't fit.

Times have changed, we have changed; we have grown. And while growing, we grew apart. Don't say that it's a shame, for it may seem that way right now, but there is a reason for it. The changes in our lives shape us, mold us, and this is just a part of it.

Trying to hang on to what isn't there will only bring bitterness and anger and sorrow, so I think it's due time for goodbye and for letting go. You'll always be there, inside my head and my heart, but for now, it's time to take a deep breath -- and move on.

I'll shed no more tears, and drink to the memories.
♥