A Series of Non Sequiturial Thoughts: pt. II

There have been so many things that I've been wanting to, needing to, write about, but I just haven't quite been able to do it, and everything is now bubbling, bubbling under the surface and slowly leaking in and out of my mind and I can't stop dwelling on so many different thoughts and feelings and so here it now leads to another series of non sequiturial thoughts.

I'm so torn about who I am and what I believe and how I feel; there are so many contradictions and inconsistencies and paradoxes swirling inside of me, I can't make sense of anything. I am so confident yet so insecure at the same time, I feel so worthy and worthless in the same breath, I feel so hopeful and hopeless all at once, I'm running out of breath just running around in my own head.

I'm still wondering if non sequiturial is even a word and finding it strange that we can convince ourselves that a word is a word by repeating it over and over again until the very idea of it not being a word becomes absurd, just as it is the same with all of the other delusions in our lives that we convince ourselves are reality -- repetition remains key, to perfection and likewise to destruction.

I went a little delirious last weekend and I'm glad that I have a fever to blame it on because I look back at that broken, crying mess and think, "Who is that?" I don't recognize that girl who laid in bed crying over a disillusioned view of a boy, but I guess that was me and I guess I have to come to terms with it sooner or later.

Coming back to work was rough after a week and half of time off but I unknowingly gave myself an attitude check and came to the realization that there was much too much pride in my mind and I thought, "Wow, I need to really humble myself right now." And I did and instantly - my day was turned around and I've spent the past three days in the best mental mindset that I've experienced at work in the past six months.

I'm still just trying to be a good person and I just want someone as good as you to see something good in me, but I won't let you turn loving me into your own personal martyrdom.

I keep feeling like I'm drowning, momentarily, here and there, but I'm able to come up for air just enough to not drift away, but it's so exhausting that I just want to feel like I have someone on my team, something looking after me and leading me along.

I can't even imagine what this coming year will bring but I'm doing my best, I'm doing my very best to be my very best and so I'm keeping my eyes and my heart open wide and I just hope that you'll be with me, alongside me to talk me through it and maybe we can go through it together and maybe, maybe I'll soon be able to stop rambling and just -- breathe.

Faith

Faith is better understood as a verb than as a noun, as a process than as a possession. It is on-again-off-again rather than once-and-for-all. Faith is not being sure where you're going, but going anyway. A journey without maps. Tillich said that doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

- Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Seeker's ABC

Wait

Graduation is in two weeks: at last! No more papers, no more readings, no more tests, no more -- wait. No more...friends. No more co-workers, no more roommates, no more of those who have shaped and molded my life and my mind and my very being for the past one two three four years -- no more. Wait. No more. No, I'm not ready for no more. Wait.

Україна

It's quite bewildering that the political turmoil, civil disaster, and overall strife of a nation I've never even seen with my own eyes makes my heart so heavy. But it somehow aches like home.

Боже, я молюсь за Україну,
Боже, молю Тебе за людей.

Standing

It's the end of another week, month, year. And to think, I sometimes still have no idea where I stand with you.

I'm Leaving, I'm Gone

You're stuck in a chauvinistic, racist, homophobic state of mind and you don't even realize it. Or, rather, you do - you just don't care. To you it's all a joke. Rape, domestic violence, discrimination based on race, sexual orientation, and gender - it's all just a joke.

You go give God your time of day, wearing your Sunday best, but your very being is drenched with the stench of your hypocrisy; you disgust me. You physically revolt me. I get to thinking about the spiral that your mind is in, how indifferent you are to the culture you're a part of, the implications of your beliefs and your acceptances, and it churns my stomach and makes me sick.

And then you have the audacity to point your finger at me. You criticize and laugh at me for breaking away, you taunt and tease me for being offended and infuriated by your off hand remarks and "jokes." Fuck, are you kidding me? Thank whatever higher being there is that I am nothing like you. I don't know what caused my path to turn away from yours - they were parallel for so long. But fuck. I can't imagine being like you because then I'd hate myself just as much as I hate you.

Fuck you. You're 20, 21, 25 - where are your heads? Why can't you see how fucking fucked up you are? Goddamn. I don't need this in my life. I don't need you in my life. Any of you. You bring me nothing but anger, despair, and bitterness, infecting me, and only further causing me to be a cynical asshole.

Fuck you, I don't need you in my life. I don't need this.

I'm leaving.

I'm gone.

If I Knew Where I Was Going

If I knew where I was going, I’d stop reading maps like they hold some special secret. I’d realize that they guide people toward a destination and not just away from themselves and I’d stop blaming physical boundaries and distance for all of my problems. I’d accept that the reason I always feel stuck is because I’m too afraid to cross the rivers and mountains that I’ve built up between myself and the people around me, between my actions and my ambitions, my muscles and my mind.

If I Knew Where I Was Going | Thought Catalog