In Search of Inner Peace: Beginnings

"Write hard and clear about what hurts." - Ernest Hemingway

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When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up. I couldn't wait to grow up because I had this vision in my mind, this idea, that when I was older, everything was going to be okay. Everything was going to be right, everything was going to be as it should be. I was going to be okay, I was going to be fixed -- I wasn't going to be sick anymore. 

I'm not sure what put this idea in my head, but I just couldn't imagine a future where I was still sick. Surely, it had to end. But high school came and went, then 18, 19, 20, and.... nothing. Nothing changed.

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I feel betrayed by my body. I feel angry and cheated. This isn't how it's supposed to be, this isn't how it's supposed to work, but that's just it - it doesn't work. Something went haywire in my immune system and instead of functioning properly, it can't tell the difference between healthy and foreign cells, so it goes into overdrive, leading to joints that swell and bones that ache, skin cells that don't know when to stop reproducing, causing bright red patches across my face and limbs, and leaving a body and mind that feel tired beyond their years.

So here I am at 23, feeling betrayed and tired. But also feeling like I'm finally ready to come to terms with my body, my reality, myself. There are a lot of things that I've kept bottled up my entire life, things I've never faced or vocalized or worked through, things that have caused so much inner turmoil and anxiety. But I think I am finally ready to start letting go and to start on this journey of searching for inner peace. I'll try to be as brutally honest, transparent, and vulnerable as I could possibly be -- feel free to come along for the ride.

23 Lessons Learned Over 23 Years

Hearts break in different ways - from love, from hate, from distance, from indifference. It takes some time, and sometimes a little whiskey, but they'll always mend in the end.

There's nothing wrong with not having your life figured out at any given moment; there's nothing wrong with taking it day by day; there's nothing wrong with just living.

It's okay to find and lose and find and lose and find your faith on your own terms.

If where you live makes you miserable, move.

For the most part, people just want to be heard. Be as present as possible when someone is talking to you, especially when it's about something that's been clawing at them, something that they need to get off their chest, something that takes effort to say. Just because you're sitting next to someone doesn't mean you're really there.

It's hard to hate your body when you're in awe of what it can do for you.

If you need to make yourself feel better, do something kind and thoughtful for someone else.

You have the right to cut toxic relationships out of your life, no matter what they may be. You are not obligated to appease anyone at the sake of your own well-being and mental health.

Age is a feeling more than it is a number.

Everyone is fighting their own demons, so do your best to be kind.

Don't compare your life's trajectory to that of your peers - everyone finds success and happiness in different ways, and they come in different forms.

There are many things to be learned from our furry best friends: how to love unconditionally, how to be loyal, how to not hold grudges, how to be carefree, how to always be ready and willing to receive love.

Be generous - with your time, your money, and your love. Being selfish is easy, but it will make you bitter in the end.

Losing sleep is always worth it if it means you can be there for a friend.

Everyone has their vices. Don't feel too guilty about them if they're all that help you get through the day, just be sure to stay safe.

Sometimes, all you can do for someone is be alone with them - words and actions aren't always necessary.

Apologize when you've done or said something wrong, otherwise your stubbornness will just come back to bite you.

When you put positive energy out into the universe, it comes back to you.

You can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped, but that doesn't mean you should never try.

Spending several days in your room watching Netflix or reading books or playing music or writing stories is perfectly okay. We recuperate in different ways - if you need to be alone, be alone. Don't let anyone guilt you into not taking time for yourself.

Don't underestimate the power of compassion.

Make sure the people you love know that you love them; it's better to be overly affectionate than overly reserved.

There's always more to learn.

A Series of Non Sequiturial Thoughts: pt. II

There have been so many things that I've been wanting to, needing to, write about, but I just haven't quite been able to do it, and everything is now bubbling, bubbling under the surface and slowly leaking in and out of my mind and I can't stop dwelling on so many different thoughts and feelings and so here it now leads to another series of non sequiturial thoughts.

I'm so torn about who I am and what I believe and how I feel; there are so many contradictions and inconsistencies and paradoxes swirling inside of me, I can't make sense of anything. I am so confident yet so insecure at the same time, I feel so worthy and worthless in the same breath, I feel so hopeful and hopeless all at once, I'm running out of breath just running around in my own head.

I'm still wondering if non sequiturial is even a word and finding it strange that we can convince ourselves that a word is a word by repeating it over and over again until the very idea of it not being a word becomes absurd, just as it is the same with all of the other delusions in our lives that we convince ourselves are reality -- repetition remains key, to perfection and likewise to destruction.

I went a little delirious last weekend and I'm glad that I have a fever to blame it on because I look back at that broken, crying mess and think, "Who is that?" I don't recognize that girl who laid in bed crying over a disillusioned view of a boy, but I guess that was me and I guess I have to come to terms with it sooner or later.

Coming back to work was rough after a week and half of time off but I unknowingly gave myself an attitude check and came to the realization that there was much too much pride in my mind and I thought, "Wow, I need to really humble myself right now." And I did and instantly - my day was turned around and I've spent the past three days in the best mental mindset that I've experienced at work in the past six months.

I'm still just trying to be a good person and I just want someone as good as you to see something good in me, but I won't let you turn loving me into your own personal martyrdom.

I keep feeling like I'm drowning, momentarily, here and there, but I'm able to come up for air just enough to not drift away, but it's so exhausting that I just want to feel like I have someone on my team, something looking after me and leading me along.

I can't even imagine what this coming year will bring but I'm doing my best, I'm doing my very best to be my very best and so I'm keeping my eyes and my heart open wide and I just hope that you'll be with me, alongside me to talk me through it and maybe we can go through it together and maybe, maybe I'll soon be able to stop rambling and just -- breathe.

Sleep

I either lose sleep
for you
or
because of you.

- Kayla Hollatz, "Slumber"

Faith

Faith is better understood as a verb than as a noun, as a process than as a possession. It is on-again-off-again rather than once-and-for-all. Faith is not being sure where you're going, but going anyway. A journey without maps. Tillich said that doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

- Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Seeker's ABC

Good

I just want to be a good person. I'm not quite sure what that means, but I think it means being there for those who need you (even when, especially when, they don't tell you), engaging with and including those who are 'beneath' you,  being present, being attentive, being accepting, being open, being free. I don't really know what being 'good' entails, but all I know is I just want to be a good person.

You

I want to spill all my secrets to you. I want to tell you all the things I've never told a soul. I want to tell you everything I'm feeling, everything I'm scared of, everything I'm thinking of in this moment. I want to stay in bed with you and exchange stupid jokes and life lessons in the same breath. I want you to pry into my heart and my soul, I want you to be there, I want you to ask all the things that no one's asked me before, and I want you take me for what I am and what I'm not.

Love Surrounds

I think I'm finally realizing how much love surrounds me. In my grandmother's tearful prayers, I see love. In my friends' telephone conversations as I commute home from work, I see love. In my brother's ever-ready loans, I see love. In my dog's eager, ever-playful eyes, I see love. In my former manager's comments, I see love. In my solitude, when a text of well-wishing comes to the screen, I see love. In my mother's calls, no matter how many times I ignore them, I see love. In my best friend's understanding gaze, I see love.

I am just now realizing how much love surrounds me. And I am so, so grateful.

I hope that I can express my gratitude, sooner or later.

The Art of Racing in the Rain

After spending the afternoon in Seattle, drinking coffee and sending emails, meandering through Pike Place Market, I stopped by Half Price Books in Tukwila on the way home. I don’t remember the last time I recreationally read, and especially finished, a novel (though many valiant attempts were made, but the starting proved to be much easier than the finishing), so I browsed the aisles aimlessly, just waiting for something to catch my eye.

En Entendant Godot crossed my path, a French version of the beloved Garfield, both securing a place in my hands, but I kept on. And then, from the corner of my eye, the top of a dog’s head peeked out. The Art of Racing in the Rain. By the title, I would never give it a second glance, but why the dog on the cover? My curiosity piqued, I opened the front flap.

“Enzo knows he is different from other dogs: a philosopher with a nearly human soul (and an obsession with opposable thumbs), he has educated himself by watching television extensively, and by listening very closely to the words of his master, Denny Swift, an up-and-coming race car driver.”

A novel told from the perspective of a dog. I needed nothing else. (Not to mention it was a mere $2.00 – a steal!)

The Art of Racing in the Rain is the most heart-wrenching, tear-jerking, dog-loving book that I have ever read. The tears began on page 4 and the flood gates were released by page 317. The novel begins with Enzo, our narrating canine, knowing that he is about to die – and wanting to. The following chapters are written in retrospect, following the lives of Denny and his family, but through Enzo’s eyes. 

Now, for those of you that are heartless dog-detesters, this novel is not for you. You simply wouldn’t understand. But for any and all dog-lovers, this is a must read. It will make you appreciate your canine companion so much more and will provide you with a warm, soul-cleansing cry.

The Art of Racing in the Rain. Two paws up.

Now excuse me while I mull over pictures of my Ellie and wallow in my melancholy.

Dreaming

I'm dreaming of a rainy day, followed by a stormy, chilly night. And the power going out, and bringing the candles out, and not wanting to step a single toe out. I'm dreaming of becoming mountains, with blankets and blankets piled atop us, and only a couple fingers peeking out to put down our cards. I'm dreaming of the chill creeping toward us, but the laughter and delight warming us from within. I'm dreaming of a late, dark, night, filled with simple pleasures and cheer, filled with love so warm, it keeps the shivers at bay. I'm dreaming.

I'm Not Sorry

I'm done apologizing for what I want and what I need. Never again will I utter a "sorry" after texting you, again, after I've been drinking because I stop myself when I'm sober. When I'm sober I rationalize and tell myself, "No, there's no need to bother him; he's busy, he'll talk to me when he has time." But those rationalizations don't overcome my desire to know that I am present and on your mind. I am done apologizing for wanting to know that just because I'm out of sight, doesn't mean I'm out of mind; I am done with waiting on you to grace me with your attention; I am done with hanging on to your every word. I want affirmation, and this does not make me "clingy" or "needy." (The audacity, wanting to know that I am appreciated and loved...) This is what I want, this is what I need, and for that, never again, will I be sorry.

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

- Robert Frost, "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening"

Lessons I Wish I Had Learned Last Year

The people that surround you are only going to be there for so long - enjoy them while you can. Netflix isn't going anywhere.
If you're too drunk to drive, you also probably shouldn't be texting or calling anyone.
Thursday night classes are the worst idea.
When you try to beat someone else to the punch, you're just knocking the air out of yourself.
Working twelve hours in a row between two jobs is never a good idea. It's not worth it.
Weekend shifts are also never worth it.
Read in the foreign languages that you know, or you'll forget them.
You shouldn't spend 75% of your paycheck within two days of payday.
Always go on more walks.
Let love breathe.

Words pt. II

As the road to hell is paved with good intentions, so are the words stemming from your lips. You'd wish to shower your affections on the cracks in my mind and my heart in hopes of allowing flowers to spud and to bloom from within, to nourish my life and make it rosy but you can't -- you can't. I won't let you because your words are so sweet, I would breathe them in and swallow them whole but I can't -- I can't. Because your words are lathered with honey and are whispered with the best of intentions but that's where it ends. That's where it ends.

Words

Words are empty, so bite your tongue. If your plans do not include your actions succeeding your words, keep them to yourself. Bite your tongue, your words are useless to me.

Love

"I don't want your love unless you know I am repulsive, and love me even as you know it."

- Georges Bataille, My Mother

Friend

It's really hard when someone is sitting next to you, telling you that they're lonely and that they have no one. Every part of your being then screams out, "I'M here, I'm listening, I'm here for whatever you need," but your voice stays silent. You just nod and agree, that it's hard, silently feeling your heart break because you love them, you do, but they just don't quite see the extent of your love. And what can you do. You don't want to shove it down their throat. So you just stay by the sidelines, making small gestures of love and support, listening, and just waiting. Waiting for them to realize that you really are a friend.

Being Grateful

I used to be a lot more grateful and that, in turn, made me a lot happier. It made me more optimistic and light-hearted. I would write down on a note card things that I was grateful for every day, and it made all the difference. I'm not sure why I stopped, I guess I just started to forget, and that let cynicism get a foothold. I've been quite the cynic and much more of a pessimist for a long while now and I know that this needs to change. I'm tired of feeling this way. But if I make no attempt to change, nothing will. It will all be the same. Stuck in a perpetual cycle of loathing and bitterness. I need to let go of my cynicism but it has been with me for so long, a part of me fears I'll be dumbfounded and not know what I have left.

Wedding Nuances

[Preface: I am not against marriage. If you have found the person that you want to be with for the long haul, good for you. That is seriously amazing, and I wish you the best. Go forth and prosper, as equals. I just really, really, really, hate the little nuances that are intertwined with weddings. Specifically, the ones that are associated with the bride.]

For starters, it is tradition for the boyfriend to ask the father for his blessing/permission to marry his daughter. My question is why. What does it matter what the father says? If it's to ensure good family relations, why not ask the mother? And then the siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Why not ask any of them? It is completely irrelevant what the father thinks, in regard to how the two feel about one another, and yet why is this "permission" needed? Because it is rooted in the idea that a woman is property and belongs in the possession of a man.

Similarly, the tradition of the father walking the bride down the aisle and "giving her away." Can we even just look at the language: giving her away. Again, the bride is seen as a possession. And this is nothing but a transfer of ownership, from one man to another.

The next thing I want to consider is the title of "Mrs." Male titles do not change when they get married because a man is not defined by his marital status, but a woman definitely is. Why can't we just universally accept that Mr. will be for all men, and Ms. for all women? Why does it have to change to Mrs., to notify any outside that a woman is married? Also, why, at weddings, do they always announce, (for example) "For the first time, I welcome Mr. and Mrs. John Smith!" Where has the woman gone? It seems as if she's been completely absorbed by her husband, not only taking his last name, but now only being referred to as being his counterpart, and only in relation to him.

These three things really grind my gears because they are just considered as traditions. The original meaning or sentiment behind them (hopefully) no longer exists, but the fact that they are rooted in such chauvinism -- it's not something that I can get over. These traditions will always bother me and I can only hope that culture will continue to change, and that we relinquish these ties and establish better traditions.

As mush as I loathe these practices, it is nothing in comparison to the worst offender: the fact that a woman's wedding day is her "big day."

Women spend thousands upon thousands of dollars on their weddings, waste hours upon hours planning out every single minute detail, and expect every little thing to be perfect for one single day - and it's completely normal. Never is a groom seen stressing as much over a wedding, and is told to allow the bride to do what she wants, because it's her big day. It's "what she has been dreaming of since she was a little girl." These are accepted ideas that continue to be prevalent and domineering in society and I. Can't. Stand. It.

Does a woman's greatest accomplishment rest in that ring on her finger? Is the epitome and pinnacle of her life her wedding day? For many, yes, it is. And that is a damn shame. Is she worth nothing more? Is a woman's entire value wrapped up in whether or not she acquires a husband? Is there really nothing better, nothing greater, that she can accomplish in her life or do for herself?

I'll be damned if someone tells me that my "big day" is when I get married. Why can my "big day" not be the day that I graduate college? It's a bit taken for granted in our society, but compared to the rest of the world, I'm damn fortunate and accomplished if I have a degree. Why can it not be the day that I get my law degree? Or the day that I become a partner in a firm? Or whatever other career I choose to pursue - why can the start of that career not be considered my "big day?" And what if I choose to never get married? I'd be looked down upon, and pitied, because oh poor me oh my, how sad that no man wants to spend his life with me.

I have so much more to offer to the world than my damn hand in marriage. I just wish other women would see themselves the same way.

Backdrop

"You want me to be a tragic backdrop so that you can appear to be illuminated, so that people can say 'Wow, isn't he so terribly brave to love a girl who is so obviously sad?' You think I'll be the dark sky so you can be the star? I'll swallow you whole."

- Warsan Shire