Wait

Graduation is in two weeks: at last! No more papers, no more readings, no more tests, no more -- wait. No more...friends. No more co-workers, no more roommates, no more of those who have shaped and molded my life and my mind and my very being for the past one two three four years -- no more. Wait. No more. No, I'm not ready for no more. Wait.

Friend

It's really hard when someone is sitting next to you, telling you that they're lonely and that they have no one. Every part of your being then screams out, "I'M here, I'm listening, I'm here for whatever you need," but your voice stays silent. You just nod and agree, that it's hard, silently feeling your heart break because you love them, you do, but they just don't quite see the extent of your love. And what can you do. You don't want to shove it down their throat. So you just stay by the sidelines, making small gestures of love and support, listening, and just waiting. Waiting for them to realize that you really are a friend.

Conversations

"How did you remember that, when I even didn't till just now?"
"Because I love you."
"He'll get over it."
"I just had a really uncomfortable conversation with my parents about Coachella..."
"What did you even see in him?"
"Aw you have a conscience, that's cute."
"Be happier!"
"The real slim shady?"
"You can be really cold sometimes."
"Summer time is like boot camp for my liver."
"You alive?"
"I just wanted to remind you that I love you a whole lot."
"Isn't it your job to make me feel better?"
"HOLY SHIT my mind is fucking blown right now - I'm a cat!"
"In between flashing each other and talking shit, we have some pretty deep moments."
"Boys...even when they're not a problem, they're a problem."
"Our talks keep me sane."
"I just feel so surrounded and suffocated but so alone at the same time."
"If I bake you cookies, will you love me forever?"
"You upset me."
"I upset myself."
"You're quite beautiful. It's silly to think you won't measure up."
"We're sneaky little bitches."
"Because it means being vulnerable. And I can't stand that. I've taught myself to be strong and not let anything get to me, so wiping that defense away is terrifying."

Thankful

It's amazing how your whole day can be changed by something so simple as talking to an old friend. I hadn't talked with Tim for several weeks and this short hour that we just got to Skype was exactly what I needed. I don't even have the right words to say - it was just as if a wave of fresh air, relief washed over me.

God bless whoever invented Skype and God bless my best friends. I'd be drowning without them.

Best Friends

I'm so inexplicably blessed by the best friends that I have, by the fact that I'm lucky enough to have more than one and by the fact that they are such glorious, wonderful, kind, beautiful people. (They're also selfish and sarcastic and stubborn and snippy, but in spite of it all - astounding.) Sometimes I take them for granted, but then other times I get caught up in thinking about them and I don't understand how I came to be so fortunate. To have these people with whom I can share my life and my mind - it's an incredible godsend.

My best friends, I miss you.
Always, with much love, I miss you.

I Miss You

I don't want to go out and socialize and joke and laugh. But I don't want to be alone, either. I just want to sit and be with you. I don't want to talk to you, but I want you to talk to me. You don't need to try to make me feel better, because nothing is really wrong, I just want your voice to fill the silence. You can talk about everything or nothing significant at all, you can spin ridiculous tales or tell me about your day - anything, anything you'd like.
But I am here and you are there, and I guess I just miss you.

Godsends

I don't appreciate it as often or as dearly as I should, but I am quite blessed with the friends that I have. With the quality, and the quantity, of them. I have my Ukrainian friends and my high school friends, my class friends and my hall friends, and those random ones that have come out of nowhere. I am thankful for each and everyone of them, but there are a select few that I am most grateful for.

There is a handful of people that have drastically impacted my life in one way or another, and I can quite sincerely say that I can't imagine how my life would be without them. Whether it be because they have been by my side for countless years or because they were simply in the right place, at the right time, right where and when I needed them, they have altered my course in significant ways.

Some I have known for near a decade, others for much, much less. But the amount of time I have spent with each one is irrelevant. Time - history - in a relationship, I've learned, means little to nothing. Yes, it gives one the benefit of knowing the other's likes and dislikes, moods and attitudes, opinions and beliefs, but in the grand scheme of it all, these things are almost irrelevant. (I guess I should clarify - these things are irrelevant to the meaningfulness of the friendship.) We could be acquainted for two, six, ten years, we could know countless, trivial things about one another - but these years and facts alone do not prove that we truly know each other or that we have some significant bond. No, history is irrelevant. Time alone does not lead to closeness.

I have several close friends, but my best friends - I can count them on one hand. They are the ones have left lasting marks on my existence, and I know that many things would be awry if I had never met them. They are, in all meaning of the word, godsends. They are the ones with whom I trust much more than just my life - I trust them with my mind. And I know that I can rely on them to always be what is needed. Whether I need to hear the harsh truth or just need an ear to vent to, they can be counted on. And trusted, above all things, trusted. And for this I am eternally grateful.

I don't show my appreciation and gratitude as often as I should, but one day I will. One day (if they don't already know), I'll tell them of all the ways that they have changed, shaped, and influenced me; of how much their understanding and presence means to me; of how different I'm convinced my life would be without them.

Perhaps I'll write them letters.

Nostalgia

Walking into a little shop by the name of "Country General Store," I was hit with a wave of pumpkin and cinnamon scents that sprouted from the candles littered about: it smelled like fall and winter. I was immediately taken back to feelings of home and of the holidays, and nostalgia hit me like a brick.

Overcome with reminiscence, I just stood there for a moment. I'd been so busy with school and work and life, I hadn't noticed how long it's been since I've been home and how long it will be until I go back. And then I realized just how much I miss it. I miss home and Ellie and especially my boys and especially my girls. There are so many wonderful, beautiful people that are so far away, I don't quite know what to do with myself. I guess there's not much I can do, but wait. So I'll be waiting for the holidays and the parties, for the fires and the chats, for the sweet reunions.

It's not often that I'm filled with such nostalgia, but when it does come around, it hits me hard. But all that's now left to say is, December, do hurry along and get here soon. There are so many I'd love to see and embrace. ♥