I'm Not Sorry

I'm done apologizing for what I want and what I need. Never again will I utter a "sorry" after texting you, again, after I've been drinking because I stop myself when I'm sober. When I'm sober I rationalize and tell myself, "No, there's no need to bother him; he's busy, he'll talk to me when he has time." But those rationalizations don't overcome my desire to know that I am present and on your mind. I am done apologizing for wanting to know that just because I'm out of sight, doesn't mean I'm out of mind; I am done with waiting on you to grace me with your attention; I am done with hanging on to your every word. I want affirmation, and this does not make me "clingy" or "needy." (The audacity, wanting to know that I am appreciated and loved...) This is what I want, this is what I need, and for that, never again, will I be sorry.

Keeping Time (Repost)

Breathe in - breathe out, count
  one
    two
      three
and I don't care anymore.

Breathe in - breathe out, count
  one
    two
      three
and I don't know you anymore.

Lesson Learned

I am more than just your afterthought, always available at your earliest convenience, always for your own benefit. I only wish that I had seen it sooner.

Love

"I don't want your love unless you know I am repulsive, and love me even as you know it."

- Georges Bataille, My Mother

Being Grateful

I used to be a lot more grateful and that, in turn, made me a lot happier. It made me more optimistic and light-hearted. I would write down on a note card things that I was grateful for every day, and it made all the difference. I'm not sure why I stopped, I guess I just started to forget, and that let cynicism get a foothold. I've been quite the cynic and much more of a pessimist for a long while now and I know that this needs to change. I'm tired of feeling this way. But if I make no attempt to change, nothing will. It will all be the same. Stuck in a perpetual cycle of loathing and bitterness. I need to let go of my cynicism but it has been with me for so long, a part of me fears I'll be dumbfounded and not know what I have left.

Goodbyes

"You don't need me to love you."
"But I want you to."

No Control

The past several weeks have been the most random and absurd weeks of my life, leading me to the conclusion that I have absolutely no control over my life. I can plan, and make lists, and run my little schemes, and think I have everything under my thumb, but in a split second, it can all completely change.

I have no control. And I'm okay with that. These past several weeks have taught me how to breathe easier and be more accepting to my circumstances, whatever they may be. I'm rolling with the punches, taking things as they come, and hoping, praying for the best. Because there's not much else I can do. And so be it.

If I Could

I love you. But if I could, I would leave you. If it meant I would never see you again, never speak to you again, if it meant I would lose your companionship, lose your affection and support, lose you - I would be devastated. It would be hard. But time has a funny way of numbing the pain. And the mind has a funny way of blocking out the memories. If it meant that I would have a chance to be someone, somewhere new, I would do it. Would it be worth it? Probably not. But it's a chance that I would find myself selfishly taking. I love you. But if I could, I would let you go.
(I'm sorry.)

Letting Go

It's time for letting go. Letting go of the past and of the wishful thinking, and accepting the present reality. Things are not the same as they were, and they never will be again. It doesn't matter how good they were back when, or how much history there is, they won't repeat themselves.

Things change, people change. I've been a fool to think that we could turn back the clock, to bring us to how we were. Yes, we did everything together. Yes, we spent many crucial days, months, years together. Yes, we had a good run. But that's history. That's a chapter of my life that's ended and frankly, ended quite a while ago. And I don't want things to go to the way they were because they simply wouldn't fit.

Times have changed, we have changed; we have grown. And while growing, we grew apart. Don't say that it's a shame, for it may seem that way right now, but there is a reason for it. The changes in our lives shape us, mold us, and this is just a part of it.

Trying to hang on to what isn't there will only bring bitterness and anger and sorrow, so I think it's due time for goodbye and for letting go. You'll always be there, inside my head and my heart, but for now, it's time to take a deep breath -- and move on.

I'll shed no more tears, and drink to the memories.
♥