Just Another Aching Heart

With summer just around the corner, I can't help but think back to the past one, and I am faced with having to remember all that I lost...


Jack. Good, sweet, dumb Jack. He was so loud, so annoying, and so troublesome. But also so sweet, so loving, so adorable, so innocent, and so playful. He was one of my babies. And I loved him. God, I loved him so much. He wasn't "just a dog," and if you say that then you can't possibly understand, because we are most certainly not on the same level. It didn't matter that he was a dog. He was my companion, my doorkeeper, my ally, my joy, my love. And then because of someone's careless mistake, he was gone.
Gone. Just like that, gone. Forever. And I'm left with my final memory of him being his still, unresponsive body lying on the side of the road. He looked like he was sleeping. The way he looked every morning at the foot of my bed. But this time his ears didn't twitch. His tail didn't flick. And he never got up. And that is an image that will forever be imprinted in my mind. It's the first one that flashes across my eyes when I think of him, and I don't know how to deal with that. I just miss him. I miss that stupid, annoying, stubborn, cuddly ball of fur. And I'd give anything to have him wake me up  too early in the morning with his incessant barking just once more.


Ian. God, it's so unfair. He went through so much shit before he even turned one. And it didn't get any easier with time. He had a good thing going at the Paranal house, but then life happened. And with only a few short hours notice, he was gone.I remember that summer day...we all knew it was bound to happen, but we thought for sure they'd at least give us a week's notice, at least a few days...but they didn't. Just a simple "we're picking him up today." And that was that. I didn't want to let him go, but I only had a few minutes to hug him longer, to give him a few final kisses.
That kid was so annoying sometimes. He was so bratty and spoiled and fussy, but he could always put a smile on my face. I was going to be his godmother. I dreamed of the day that it would be official, that I would really be his ninang, but it never came. He was taken away from us and we don't know where he is.
I hope he's with another family, a better family. He deserves the best there is. I hope he has all the toys he could imagine, a doggy to play with, and all the love that he deserves. I hope that life has finally started going uphill for him. For God's sake, the child is three years old. He deserves a break.
One day, LeAndrew Eugene Smith, I will find you. And once again you will bring me happiness, in place of all these tears.


Friends. The ones with which I survived high school, did the stupidest things, talked the most trash, had the most fun, and loved the most. I lost a few really good ones, a few really great ones. Because of stupidity. We were all stupid. Cooler heads did not prevail and we lost something amazing. I was looking through some pictures from senior year a few days ago, and they only made me sad. We've reconciled since, but we don't talk like that anymore. We don't laugh like that anymore. We don't hug like that anymore. I don't even know if we care like that anymore. And that is just heartbreaking. Our lives have been intertwined for eight years, and what's to show for it? All I see is that we are still stubborn, still immature, still haughty, and still stupid. I hope that someday, and someday soon, we'll grow up. That we'll grow out of our insecurities and our grudges. Because I still love them. I love them so much, and I never stopped loving them.
I hope we'll be so much better than we ever were.



It's the middle of the night, and I'm alone in the dark with my hurt, my regrets, and my tears. But that's not so special. I'm just another aching heart facing another silent night.