I Miss Jack

I miss Jack.
I’m reminded of how he would just walk over and plop into my arms, as if he was a lapdog. He would nibble and bite, and bark till he got his way. He would sleep by my door and wake me up much too early, but always with kisses. He would be annoying and dull and handful, but he was wonderful. He was dumbdumb but knew how to manipulate you at the same time. He loved Ellie and always put up with her shit. He was cuddly and protective and sweet and stinky. He was perfect.
I miss Jack. 

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

The woods are lovely dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

- Robert Frost, from "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening"


My favorite Robert Frost poem and definitely relevant to my life right now.

The Bro Zone

So many guys rant and rave about being in the 'friend zone,' but I wonder...have they ever considered the 'bro zone'? It can be a quite common phenomenon - a girl is friends with a boy and they become rather close, so close that he begins to view her as a 'bro.' Speaking as an honorary bro, I am well aware that this is a quite a privilege  but I am simply attempting to shine a light on a possible consequence of this type of relationship -- the placing of the girl in the eternal bro zone.

Just as guys fear the friend zone, girl-bros don't necessarily wish to be placed in the eternal bro zone. Note that I say eternal bro zone, for in general, the bro zone is a wonderful place to be: neither party is attempting to impress the other, there is genuineness in the friendship, and so on and so forth. But what of when the feelings grow? We all know what happens when it is the girl who does not return the affections -- the boy is placed in the friend zone. And the same is when it is the opposite: the girl is placed in the eternal bro zone.

I'm not quite sure what point I'm trying to make with this. I am simply informing the public that the bro zone exists, and bros, please think twice before putting a girl in the eternal one.

Last Picnic

Before the fall rains come,
Let's have one more picnic,
Now that the leaves are turning color
And the grass is still green in places.

Bread, cheese and some black grapes
Ought to be enough,
And a bottle of red wine to toast the crows
Puzzled to find us sitting here.

If it gets cold - and it will - I'll hold you close.
Night will come early.
We'll watch the sky, hoping for a full moon
To light our way home.

And if there isn't one, we'll put all our trust
In your book of matches
And my sense of direction
As we grope our way in the dark.

- Charles Simic, "Last Picnic"

Maggie and Milly and Molly and May

maggie and milly and molly and may
went down to the beach (to play one day)

and maggie discovered a shell that sang
so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and

milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

and molly was chased by a horrible thing
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and

may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone.

For whatever we lose (like a you or a me)
it's always ourselves we find in the sea

- e.e. cummings, "Maggie and Milly and Molly and May"

Letting Go

It's time for letting go. Letting go of the past and of the wishful thinking, and accepting the present reality. Things are not the same as they were, and they never will be again. It doesn't matter how good they were back when, or how much history there is, they won't repeat themselves.

Things change, people change. I've been a fool to think that we could turn back the clock, to bring us to how we were. Yes, we did everything together. Yes, we spent many crucial days, months, years together. Yes, we had a good run. But that's history. That's a chapter of my life that's ended and frankly, ended quite a while ago. And I don't want things to go to the way they were because they simply wouldn't fit.

Times have changed, we have changed; we have grown. And while growing, we grew apart. Don't say that it's a shame, for it may seem that way right now, but there is a reason for it. The changes in our lives shape us, mold us, and this is just a part of it.

Trying to hang on to what isn't there will only bring bitterness and anger and sorrow, so I think it's due time for goodbye and for letting go. You'll always be there, inside my head and my heart, but for now, it's time to take a deep breath -- and move on.

I'll shed no more tears, and drink to the memories.
♥

Life:

calling it 'unfair' doesn't even begin to cover it.

Fuck
my
life.

True

I feel like I'm losing myself but simultaneously finding myself. I'm not who I was ten months ago, but this person I am now feels natural. I do not feel like I'm stretching my personality, so to speak, I feel like I truly am being myself. It's just a different side of myself. Granted, it's not the side I'm too proud of but right now, it just fits. I know I shouldn't be doing half the things I am and should be doing half the things I'm neglecting, but at this moment, it feels okay. I don't know who I really am, but one thing I do know is that I'm not a hypocrite. I'm not going to act a certain way if I don't feel it and I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not. I may not like the person I am all around but at least for the time being, I am being true to myself.

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you, only to be with you
I have run, I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls, these city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire, this burning desire

I have spoken with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night, I was cold as stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colors will bleed into one, bleed into one
But yes, I'm still running

You broke the bonds, and you loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame, of my shame
You know I believe it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

- U2, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"

Midnight Breakdown

My eyes are always at their greenest when I cry. What a shame.

Seattle

My life is like a rolling river
So muddy and absurd
And although I might be mistaken
I know that I'll be heard
And I find the second I try to pull away
I'm thrown back in line
All this time

So, rain on my hopes
Rain on my soul
Rain on everything that I know
It feels so ludicrous
The pursuit of this dream
We thought we'd be there long ago

And we are looking for the same thing, the same thing
Seattle is calling me back home, back home

- The Classic Crime, "Seattle"


Seattle is calling me back home.
I'll be back there soon. Just two and a half more years..

History

There is too much history in this goddamn town with all these goddamn people. (Not that I'm angry about it, my colorful language is simply a side effect of my frustration.) Yes, that is sometimes a good thing. History is sometimes good to have - long, deep foundations are often beneficial and lead to success, but lately, it has just been so...tiring, for lack of better words.

I'm tired of people's preconceived notions. I'm tired of their assumptions based on past events. I'm tired of them remembering things that I'm trying to forget. I'm tired of them knowing things I'm pretending to be blind to. I'm just tired of all the history. I want a fresh start, a clean slate. I want a new life.

But I just can't seem to get away.