trouve-moi

Je te verrai dans ma sommeil, chéri,

Je te verrai dans mes rêves

où nous courrons et danserons et chanterons et resterons

tranquilles

Je te verrai dans ma sommeil, chéri,

Je te verrai dans mes rêves

le seul endroit où je sais que tu me trouves 
toujours

find me

I'll see you in my sleep, darling,
I'll see you in my dreams
where we will run and dance and sing and simply
be

I'll see you in my sleep, darling,
I'll see you in my dreams
the only place I know you will always find
me

Godsends

I don't appreciate it as often or as dearly as I should, but I am quite blessed with the friends that I have. With the quality, and the quantity, of them. I have my Ukrainian friends and my high school friends, my class friends and my hall friends, and those random ones that have come out of nowhere. I am thankful for each and everyone of them, but there are a select few that I am most grateful for.

There is a handful of people that have drastically impacted my life in one way or another, and I can quite sincerely say that I can't imagine how my life would be without them. Whether it be because they have been by my side for countless years or because they were simply in the right place, at the right time, right where and when I needed them, they have altered my course in significant ways.

Some I have known for near a decade, others for much, much less. But the amount of time I have spent with each one is irrelevant. Time - history - in a relationship, I've learned, means little to nothing. Yes, it gives one the benefit of knowing the other's likes and dislikes, moods and attitudes, opinions and beliefs, but in the grand scheme of it all, these things are almost irrelevant. (I guess I should clarify - these things are irrelevant to the meaningfulness of the friendship.) We could be acquainted for two, six, ten years, we could know countless, trivial things about one another - but these years and facts alone do not prove that we truly know each other or that we have some significant bond. No, history is irrelevant. Time alone does not lead to closeness.

I have several close friends, but my best friends - I can count them on one hand. They are the ones have left lasting marks on my existence, and I know that many things would be awry if I had never met them. They are, in all meaning of the word, godsends. They are the ones with whom I trust much more than just my life - I trust them with my mind. And I know that I can rely on them to always be what is needed. Whether I need to hear the harsh truth or just need an ear to vent to, they can be counted on. And trusted, above all things, trusted. And for this I am eternally grateful.

I don't show my appreciation and gratitude as often as I should, but one day I will. One day (if they don't already know), I'll tell them of all the ways that they have changed, shaped, and influenced me; of how much their understanding and presence means to me; of how different I'm convinced my life would be without them.

Perhaps I'll write them letters.

Update

What a great weekend. Saturday morning JC and Gabby came over for breakfast and coffee; the afternoon was spent bouldering with them, and making far-fetched plans for backpacking in Europe; the evening consisted of smoking hookah on Caitlyn's porch with her and Thomas, then watching Robin Hood Men in Tights with a few beers. Caitlyn slept on my couch and on Sunday morning we made delicious blueberry pancakes and enjoyed them with Gabby, then headed out to Hangar 18 again with JC. This time we got belay lessons and were able to belay each other while scaling the rock climbing walls. Sore as hell, we headed home and after some down time had a delicious taco dinner with Kayla to end out the weekend. In short, it was amazing. Simple activities, but with good company, you don't need to do much.
Side note: I am currently head over heels with U2. Please buy me some CDs, and you will have my love.

That is the current update on my life, and now for the update on this blog.

There are so many things that I've been wanting to write about for quite some time now, but just haven't found the time to do it. Okay, that's a lie. I have the time, but I get the writing urges at the worst times - in class, at work - but then when I get home, I'm just not in the mood. So here are some things that I'm planning on writing on soon:
- "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." - Mahatma Gandhi
- The need for a well-informed voter population.
- Trust and secrets.
- Friendship.


Stay tuned.

Looks and Glances*

It's amazing how easily your mood and/or day can be changed or crushed by a simple look - whether that be from a friend, a stranger, or a glance in the mirror.


*Written on April 30, 2011, but still just as relevant and accurate.

Melodies of Peace

You say strength is found in weakness
Peace in incompleteness
So why do I hold on?
You look for a heart that's open
For beauty in the broken
So why am I withdrawn?

My soul's screaming out
To be found in you

Spirit draw me to my knees
Captivate all of me, all of me
Here before you honestly
Captivate all of me, all of me

I'm so messy and distracted
Undisciplined and tactless
Here on the inside
I thought age would tell the secrets
But the secrets are still secret
And the years are passing by

Teach me to wait in the moments of my need
Teach me to hear the melodies of peace

- Starfield, "Captivate"

Coincidence

I think of a person I haven't seen or thought of for years, and ten minutes later I see her crossing the street. I turn on the radio to hear a voice reading the biblical story of Jael, which is the story that I have spent the morning writing about.  A car passes me on the road, and its license place consists of my wife's and my initials side by side. When you tell people stories like that, their usual reaction is to laugh. One wonders why.

I believe that people laugh at coincidence as a way of relegating it to the realm of the absurd and of therefore not having to take seriously the possibility that there is a lot more going in our lives than we either know or care to know. Who can say what it is that's going on, but I suspect that part of it, anyway, is that every once and so often we hear a whisper from the wings that goes something like this: "You've turned up in the right place at the right time. You're doing fine. Don't ever think that you've been forgotten."

- Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Seeker's ABC

January 27 - Blurbs

Late to bed, early to rise. Caffeine dependence. Silly classmates, colleagues, bonjour. Ring - hello, ring - hello, never ending summons. Honors achievements, disillusion. Resented sunshine. Dirty Dancing on the screen. Disrupted peace. Sappy love medleys and melodies in the air. Nostalgia. Curled on the couch. Nestled in the bed. Faithful Sam, cushioned companion. Melancholy. Fatigue.

Life & Death

"When I'm lying in my bed I think about life and I think about death and neither one particularly appeals to me." -Steven Morrissey

Sun, Sun Go Away

It's snowing in Seattle. Why the hell am I in southern California? I don't even like sunny weather. What in God's name was I thinking, choosing to come to school here. blahrg. I wish I was in Washington or Oregon or Colorado. But mainly Seattle.

Unmarked Letters

I've started a journal of unmarked letters, letters written to unnamed persons that will never get sent. There's just something therapeutic about getting things off your chest and onto some paper, even if the words are never seen or heard by the other. I'm predicting that this journal will fill up quickly; there are so many things that I'd like you to know, but I could never bring myself to actually say them. So I guess this is where they'll go.

Moving On - 2012

A reflection on 2011, a projection on 2012. (Several days late, and not too articulate, but bear with me here.)

I changed a lot in the past twelve months. I figured out what I want to study. I found that I was focusing a lot of thought, time, and energy on people from my past and I that I had spent a lot of time taking many, many wonderful friends for granted because I was so focused on those wrong ones, and I learned to let go. I learned how to move on and take things as they come. I became more responsible, in regards to academics and work. I had the some of the absolute best professors, classmates, and coworkers. I began cursing a lot more. I became more cynical, but also more trusting. I opened up to a stranger and then regretted it and then got over it. I formed friendships that I know will last, and strengthened existing ones. I had the best vacations (summer and winter) of my life. I got a tattoo. I learned how to drive stick shift. I realized that I really am an adult, even though I don't seem like it. I started learning from my mistakes a lot more often. I recognized how irrational and heated I can get over little things, and learned how to think twice before acting/speaking on whims. I changed a lot, much more than I can state in a few sentences.

I still don't really know who I am, or what I'm doing, or what I'm looking for, but I guess one day I'll figure it out. So here's to 2012 - may it be an even better year, or may it kick my ass. Either way, let's have it.