Melodies of Peace

You say strength is found in weakness
Peace in incompleteness
So why do I hold on?
You look for a heart that's open
For beauty in the broken
So why am I withdrawn?

My soul's screaming out
To be found in you

Spirit draw me to my knees
Captivate all of me, all of me
Here before you honestly
Captivate all of me, all of me

I'm so messy and distracted
Undisciplined and tactless
Here on the inside
I thought age would tell the secrets
But the secrets are still secret
And the years are passing by

Teach me to wait in the moments of my need
Teach me to hear the melodies of peace

- Starfield, "Captivate"

Coincidence

I think of a person I haven't seen or thought of for years, and ten minutes later I see her crossing the street. I turn on the radio to hear a voice reading the biblical story of Jael, which is the story that I have spent the morning writing about.  A car passes me on the road, and its license place consists of my wife's and my initials side by side. When you tell people stories like that, their usual reaction is to laugh. One wonders why.

I believe that people laugh at coincidence as a way of relegating it to the realm of the absurd and of therefore not having to take seriously the possibility that there is a lot more going in our lives than we either know or care to know. Who can say what it is that's going on, but I suspect that part of it, anyway, is that every once and so often we hear a whisper from the wings that goes something like this: "You've turned up in the right place at the right time. You're doing fine. Don't ever think that you've been forgotten."

- Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Seeker's ABC

January 27 - Blurbs

Late to bed, early to rise. Caffeine dependence. Silly classmates, colleagues, bonjour. Ring - hello, ring - hello, never ending summons. Honors achievements, disillusion. Resented sunshine. Dirty Dancing on the screen. Disrupted peace. Sappy love medleys and melodies in the air. Nostalgia. Curled on the couch. Nestled in the bed. Faithful Sam, cushioned companion. Melancholy. Fatigue.

Life & Death

"When I'm lying in my bed I think about life and I think about death and neither one particularly appeals to me." -Steven Morrissey

Sun, Sun Go Away

It's snowing in Seattle. Why the hell am I in southern California? I don't even like sunny weather. What in God's name was I thinking, choosing to come to school here. blahrg. I wish I was in Washington or Oregon or Colorado. But mainly Seattle.

Unmarked Letters

I've started a journal of unmarked letters, letters written to unnamed persons that will never get sent. There's just something therapeutic about getting things off your chest and onto some paper, even if the words are never seen or heard by the other. I'm predicting that this journal will fill up quickly; there are so many things that I'd like you to know, but I could never bring myself to actually say them. So I guess this is where they'll go.

Moving On - 2012

A reflection on 2011, a projection on 2012. (Several days late, and not too articulate, but bear with me here.)

I changed a lot in the past twelve months. I figured out what I want to study. I found that I was focusing a lot of thought, time, and energy on people from my past and I that I had spent a lot of time taking many, many wonderful friends for granted because I was so focused on those wrong ones, and I learned to let go. I learned how to move on and take things as they come. I became more responsible, in regards to academics and work. I had the some of the absolute best professors, classmates, and coworkers. I began cursing a lot more. I became more cynical, but also more trusting. I opened up to a stranger and then regretted it and then got over it. I formed friendships that I know will last, and strengthened existing ones. I had the best vacations (summer and winter) of my life. I got a tattoo. I learned how to drive stick shift. I realized that I really am an adult, even though I don't seem like it. I started learning from my mistakes a lot more often. I recognized how irrational and heated I can get over little things, and learned how to think twice before acting/speaking on whims. I changed a lot, much more than I can state in a few sentences.

I still don't really know who I am, or what I'm doing, or what I'm looking for, but I guess one day I'll figure it out. So here's to 2012 - may it be an even better year, or may it kick my ass. Either way, let's have it.

Familiar Faces

I am so incredibly glad that it's break. If that semester had lasted any longer, I would've lost it. Well, more than I already did hah. But this break has been just what I needed. Even though I can't sleep very well, it's really nice to not have to get out of bed at a certain time. And my friends -- they are what I needed. Especially seeing my best friends. I was able to spend hours talking over coffee and shopping with Nelya, I've been seeing Laura every single day, I got to spend the evening at the mall and have a very long late-night Mel's dinner with Tim, and I'm seeing Angela tomorrow. And my sailor's come home, everyone's coming in from school, and just spending time together. It's just wonderful. I'm not in the best of spirits all of the time, but these dear faces sure do help it.

[blank]

When did I become this person? What a mess. I need to go get lost somewhere in nature for a while.

Realizations

I've realized that I sometimes make snide or snarky remarks that are completely unwarranted in an effort to keep others at arm's length.
I've realized that I don't tell people how much I really care.
I've realized that I'm not as sure of things as I'd like to believe I am.
I've realized that I expect more from others than I'm willing to give.
I've realized that I keep taking a step forward, but then two steps back.
I've realized that I'm finding it really hard to see the beauty and good in the world as a whole.
I've realized that I spend too much time inside my head.

Stressed

My good God, I don't remember the last time I was this stressed. Granted, it is partially my fault. I know exactly what I do to myself when I procrastinate, but this past week just decided to throw some curve balls with several extenuating circumstances. And I'm back to not being able to sleep, so that's really not helping in the least bit (if you could imagine such a thought).

I'm so emotionally drained.
This week needs to be over.
I need to be able to sleep and surround myself with those amazing people that I've been blessed with.

But I know that when I get home I still won't be sleeping and I'll just want to be alone.

asdjkflcldhfk.

Trapped

Silent thoughts. Incoherent feelings. Wordless musings. Swirling, rushing -- all wanting to get out, to be heard, to be free. But the words are lost. Staring at a blank page, and finding nothing. Internal turmoil, but simultaneous peace. A feeling of belonging, side by side with a sense of complete disconnect. Utterly lost, and yet found. All of this, and more, and more, filling up my heart and my mind -- but unable to escape.