Familiar Faces

I am so incredibly glad that it's break. If that semester had lasted any longer, I would've lost it. Well, more than I already did hah. But this break has been just what I needed. Even though I can't sleep very well, it's really nice to not have to get out of bed at a certain time. And my friends -- they are what I needed. Especially seeing my best friends. I was able to spend hours talking over coffee and shopping with Nelya, I've been seeing Laura every single day, I got to spend the evening at the mall and have a very long late-night Mel's dinner with Tim, and I'm seeing Angela tomorrow. And my sailor's come home, everyone's coming in from school, and just spending time together. It's just wonderful. I'm not in the best of spirits all of the time, but these dear faces sure do help it.

[blank]

When did I become this person? What a mess. I need to go get lost somewhere in nature for a while.

Realizations

I've realized that I sometimes make snide or snarky remarks that are completely unwarranted in an effort to keep others at arm's length.
I've realized that I don't tell people how much I really care.
I've realized that I'm not as sure of things as I'd like to believe I am.
I've realized that I expect more from others than I'm willing to give.
I've realized that I keep taking a step forward, but then two steps back.
I've realized that I'm finding it really hard to see the beauty and good in the world as a whole.
I've realized that I spend too much time inside my head.

Stressed

My good God, I don't remember the last time I was this stressed. Granted, it is partially my fault. I know exactly what I do to myself when I procrastinate, but this past week just decided to throw some curve balls with several extenuating circumstances. And I'm back to not being able to sleep, so that's really not helping in the least bit (if you could imagine such a thought).

I'm so emotionally drained.
This week needs to be over.
I need to be able to sleep and surround myself with those amazing people that I've been blessed with.

But I know that when I get home I still won't be sleeping and I'll just want to be alone.

asdjkflcldhfk.

Trapped

Silent thoughts. Incoherent feelings. Wordless musings. Swirling, rushing -- all wanting to get out, to be heard, to be free. But the words are lost. Staring at a blank page, and finding nothing. Internal turmoil, but simultaneous peace. A feeling of belonging, side by side with a sense of complete disconnect. Utterly lost, and yet found. All of this, and more, and more, filling up my heart and my mind -- but unable to escape.

Wanted: Mountains

I want to go on a hike.

Not a stroll through a forest across some hills (although that is enjoyable), but a real hike. I want to feel the strain of my muscles as I climb up, the dirt underneath my fingernails as I claw at the earth. I want to breathe in deeply nature's fresh, crisp air and be rewarded with a magnificent view once I've gone as far as I can go. I want to spend hours climbing and walking and pushing myself to my limits. I want to go on a hike that leaves you in bed the whole next day, that causes your entire body to ache. It's a good kind of pain, the kind that is rewarding, that tells you how alive you are and how much you can accomplish.

I need to go find some mountains.

safe

Your words, they sounds so sweet
telling me terrible tales of truth
inviting me to believe, to partake
and I do.

Oh your honey-stricken words,
I could get lost in their smooth sounding songs, in your sighs

speak to me stranger, lover, friend -
I'm hanging on to every breath you breathe.
Take me, move me with your tales

even if they're not true
especially if they're not true

spin me those soft soothing whispers, surrender your mind and your musings
and don't fret darling
they're safe with me, beside me
we're safe here.

In Time

I've been selfish, I've been shrewd. I've been cold and short tempered. I've been dreaming of leaving everything behind, of running from it all - the good, the bad, the joy, the pain - all because it would make things easier for me. It would keep me from getting hurt, it would make life more manageable for me, it would give me more time to breathe and not be caught up in all of life's problems. Me, me, me, me.

I'm sorry.

I've been so caught up in this delusion of solitude, caught up in the aims of making my own life simpler, I failed to see just how selfish my mindset had become. Life's not about taking the easy way out; it's not about doing what makes it easiest for you. At least, that's not what I want my life to be about. I want to be able to help others find peace and happiness. I want the people that I love so dearly to feel that love, and to feel joy. I want to be willing to sacrifice my time, my efforts, my sanity, whatever it takes -- just in hopes that they will find what they are searching for.

I'm far from being the person I want to be. But I'm hoping that in time, I'll get there. It won't be easy. It will inevitably bring pain. But it will be worth it.

wishful breath

I wish for the mountains

for the crisp cool air
for the wind to wisp through my hair to sting my cheeks
to take me away to take me to another place
somewhere far somewhere new yet I know
it will feel like home.

And I will breathe in a new breath a new life and breathe out
this bitter cold

Doubt

It's just one of those days where I find myself doubting anything and everything. Even the things I hold most true, even the things I hold closest to my heart, even you.

I don't know why, I don't have any explanation - I just know I have a feeling of general discontent with everything I hear, I read, I know. And I can't quite decide if it is a feeling of the heart or one of the mind, if it is logic that is telling me to be doubtful or if it is my gut. I'm just unsettled.

And confused. Particularly concerning past decisions - whether I did the best thing in choosing this or sharing that; I just can't seem to determine whether I made the best choices. This is not to be mistaken with regret, I do not regret, I just can't help but wonder the age old question of "what if I had chosen/done/said ____ instead." These thoughts are just as pointless as regret, for nothing will change the outcome or the future that is to come, but yet...

I am generally sure of myself. I am generally confident in what I do, what I believe, what I choose. But yet I am unable to shake this doubt.

Lucid

I want to sleep forever and reside in my dreams
To frolic through a collage of different specticles and scenes
An escape from the insufferable, cruel world at large
I want to sleep forever

I want to sleep forever so I can live in my dreams
The ruler of the lands, the queen of all kings
With nothing to fear but the darkside of the conscience
I want to sleep forever

I want to sleep forever and fight my inner demons
Provide peace of mind for all bothered and exhausted
Float on utter bliss; those monsters, I'll never miss
I want to sleep forever

I want to sleep forever and never show sadness again
Bright, long-lasting smiles on weekly sullen days
Created and maintained in a variety of ways
I want to sleep forever

I want to sleep forever to erase everything
I want to sleep forever and feel warmth again
To bathe myself in content that won't ever end
Let me sleep forever

-Roberta Day, "Lucid"

Desert Places

Snow falling and night falling fast, oh, fast
In a field I looked into going past,
And the ground almost covered smooth in snow,
But a few weeds and stubble showing last.

The woods around it have it -- it is theirs.
All animals are smothered in their lairs.
I am too absent-spirited to count;
The loneliness includes me unawares.

And lonely as it is that loneliness
Will be more lonely ere it will be less --
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow
With no expression, nothing to express.

They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
Between stars -- on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer to home
To scare myself with my own desert places.

-Robert Frost, "Desert Place"