"The worst part of being lied to is knowing that you weren't worth the truth."
And ain't that a bitch.
Knowing that someone close is lying to you and trying to figure out why can drive you mad. Especially when it's someone that you trust. Someone that you have a solid relationship with. Or so you thought. That's the worst. Giving trust and receiving none in return.
Trust is a fickle thing. It can take years to build, and only a few words to destroy. And after it's gone, well I'm not quite sure what happens then. You can try to go back. You can try to rebuild it. And you can -- but only to a certain point. Because forgiving is easy but forgetting...forgetting is the hard part. It's hard to forget the feeling of betrayal. It's hard to believe the words that you want to but can't. It's hard to go back to the way things were because it's hard to forget that you were only second best. It's damn hard to forget that you weren't worth the truth. The doubts, the insecurities -- they're not so easy to just wipe away.
I hope I learn how to wipe them away, and soon. Because sometimes, it still kills me. It's time to move on but I can't. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting is the hard part.
Late-Night Laundry
Doing laundry at two in the morning while listening and singing along to Bon Jovi really puts you at ease... :)
I think from now on at 11:11 and on shooting stars I'm going to wish to get serenaded with Bon Jovi songs... :)
I think from now on at 11:11 and on shooting stars I'm going to wish to get serenaded with Bon Jovi songs... :)
Late-Night Early-Morning Questionings of a Scrambled Mind
What is life? What is this existence that we so dearly hang on to? What does living, truly living look like? What is death? What goes through one's mind right before they pass over? What is the passing?
What is love? What is hate? Why do we hate, when they deserve love? Why do we love, when they deserve hate? What does loving your neighbor as yourself look like? What does loving your enemy really mean? Why does love make one do crazy things? How is it possible for love to change a person?
What is laughter? Why do we laugh? Why do we cry? What is crying, really? What is sadness? What is happiness? Why do both cause our eyes to leak? What is the difference between happiness and joy? What are emotions, anyway? Why does one thing make Jack feel this, but Jill feel that?
Why do you always want what you can't have? Why are people drawn to things that are bad for them? Why do we remember what we wish to forget, but forget what we need to remember? How are people so alike, yet so vastly different? Why do my questions differ from yours? Why are there so many questions, but so few answers?
Why am I not asleep?
What is love? What is hate? Why do we hate, when they deserve love? Why do we love, when they deserve hate? What does loving your neighbor as yourself look like? What does loving your enemy really mean? Why does love make one do crazy things? How is it possible for love to change a person?
What is laughter? Why do we laugh? Why do we cry? What is crying, really? What is sadness? What is happiness? Why do both cause our eyes to leak? What is the difference between happiness and joy? What are emotions, anyway? Why does one thing make Jack feel this, but Jill feel that?
Why do you always want what you can't have? Why are people drawn to things that are bad for them? Why do we remember what we wish to forget, but forget what we need to remember? How are people so alike, yet so vastly different? Why do my questions differ from yours? Why are there so many questions, but so few answers?
Why am I not asleep?
Word
In Hebrew the term dabar means both "word" and "deed." Thus to say something is to do something. I love you. I hate you. I forgive you. I am afraid. Who knows what such words do but whatever it is, it can never be undone. Something that lay hidden in the heart is irrevocably released through speech into time, is given substance and tossed like a stone into the pool of history, where the concentric rings lap out endlessly.
Words are power, essentially the power of creation. By my words I both discover and create who I am. By my words I elicit a word from you. Through our converse we create each other.
When God said, "Let there be light," there was light where before there was only darkness. Then I say I love you, there is love where before there was only ambiguous silence. In a sense I do not love you first and then speak it, but only by speaking it give it reality.
-Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Seeker's ABC
Words are power, essentially the power of creation. By my words I both discover and create who I am. By my words I elicit a word from you. Through our converse we create each other.
When God said, "Let there be light," there was light where before there was only darkness. Then I say I love you, there is love where before there was only ambiguous silence. In a sense I do not love you first and then speak it, but only by speaking it give it reality.
-Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Seeker's ABC
Real Talk
What happened to the art of conversation? Real, true conversation. To being completely open and honest with a person, to verbalizing all that you're feeling, even if that means allowing yourself to be vulnerable? What is everyone so scared of these days? Why are we so scared of being deep, so scared of being "politically incorrect," so scared that we might offend another by simply being honest, so we resort to superficial, insignificant chatter? And from the other side, why are we so ready to jump on someone if they so much as say a single word that rubs us the wrong way? Why can't we just give them the chance to get what they need to get out, and then take things from there? Why are we so scared of honesty?
Because we are well aware of the fact that honesty, that the truth is not always appealing. We are so comfortable with things always being sugar-coated; we don't know how to deal with the hard stuff, the real stuff. And that is our short-coming. We fear things that shouldn't be feared, things that could be building us up, bringing us closer, as opposed to tearing us apart. But we're too scared to let that happen. Because that would mean bringing down our defenses and being vulnerable. And God forbid that ever happens.
I hope that one day we will grow out of this need for comfortability and learn to be real with one another. Maybe then we'll finally start getting somewhere.
Because we are well aware of the fact that honesty, that the truth is not always appealing. We are so comfortable with things always being sugar-coated; we don't know how to deal with the hard stuff, the real stuff. And that is our short-coming. We fear things that shouldn't be feared, things that could be building us up, bringing us closer, as opposed to tearing us apart. But we're too scared to let that happen. Because that would mean bringing down our defenses and being vulnerable. And God forbid that ever happens.
I hope that one day we will grow out of this need for comfortability and learn to be real with one another. Maybe then we'll finally start getting somewhere.
2010, in Retrospect
Two-thousand-ten:
Skipped a lot of physics. (Worth it.)
Discovered my love for Jon Mayer.
Cheered for the Saints.
Visited APU.
Staked out Little Caesar's with Ariana to vandalize Vitaliy's car. (Slightly creepy.)
Turned 18.
Saw Bon Jovi live. (<3)
Planned two awesome spring River Days.
Met Timmy.
Sealed the deal with APU.
Impulsively invited Laura to the first river day. (Pivotal point in our friendship.)
Had the best Spring Break.
Got to wear a neck brace at the ER after Hrothgar got totaled. (RIP.)
Survived IB. (Barely.)
Graduated.
Spent the summer sleeping all day and staying up all night.
Had the best camping trip.
Lost one of my best friends.
Lost Baby. (</3)
Got baptized.
Lost Jack. (RIP.)
Had awesome dinners at the Gum's house.
Left to college. (Finally.)
Made amazing friends at APU. (Be back there soon.)
Got placed in the best Alpha Group.
Couldn't be happier with my college decision.
Became infatuated with Enrique Iglesias.
Changed my major from Psychology to Communication Studies.
Finished my first college semester with straight As.
Made a 'backup' pact with Elliot.
Got my best friend back.
Bonded with Katie Siu.
Had an amazing Winter Break.
This year is finally over. It's been everything and nothing that I expected it to be, all together at once.
But I guess that's just how life is.
Here's to two-thousand eleven. Let's make it legen - wait for it - dary. :)
Skipped a lot of physics. (Worth it.)
Discovered my love for Jon Mayer.
Cheered for the Saints.
Visited APU.
Staked out Little Caesar's with Ariana to vandalize Vitaliy's car. (Slightly creepy.)
Turned 18.
Saw Bon Jovi live. (<3)
Planned two awesome spring River Days.
Met Timmy.
Sealed the deal with APU.
Impulsively invited Laura to the first river day. (Pivotal point in our friendship.)
Had the best Spring Break.
Got to wear a neck brace at the ER after Hrothgar got totaled. (RIP.)
Survived IB. (Barely.)
Graduated.
Spent the summer sleeping all day and staying up all night.
Had the best camping trip.
Lost one of my best friends.
Lost Baby. (</3)
Got baptized.
Lost Jack. (RIP.)
Had awesome dinners at the Gum's house.
Left to college. (Finally.)
Made amazing friends at APU. (Be back there soon.)
Got placed in the best Alpha Group.
Couldn't be happier with my college decision.
Became infatuated with Enrique Iglesias.
Changed my major from Psychology to Communication Studies.
Finished my first college semester with straight As.
Made a 'backup' pact with Elliot.
Got my best friend back.
Bonded with Katie Siu.
Had an amazing Winter Break.
This year is finally over. It's been everything and nothing that I expected it to be, all together at once.
But I guess that's just how life is.
Here's to two-thousand eleven. Let's make it legen - wait for it - dary. :)
Happy Holidays
It's just one of those days where you question everyone and everything.
"Merry" Christmas.
Apathy
I've been feeling a bit weird lately. I've noticed that there has been a lack of passion in my life. There haven't been many things in recent times that I've gotten really excited or animated for. Now although mellowness is quite common for me, and although I am often simply content with things and take them as they come, this is different.
I feel like I'm not feeling. That's not to say that I have been stoic and unresponsive, it's just that the feelings do not seep into the innards of my soul. That's an over-dramatization, but in essence, yeah. Of course I am happy and sad and stressed and jubilant and upset and angry and excited and pensive, whatever it is that the occasion calls for, but it's as if my emotions are only mental. I am aware of them in my mind and my body and actions go along accordingly, but I don't really feel them, not in my heart. This is not to say that I have been putting up superficial facades, I most certainly mean all that I say and how I act, it's just that at the end of the day, it doesn't really leave an imprint, it doesn't feel true deep down.
I don't like it. I don't like this sense of apathy, for lack of better words, that seems to be taking over. I want to feel passion. Whether that be with love or hate, anger or happiness, I just want zeal in my life.
Come make me laugh, come make me cry...just make me feel alive.
I feel like I'm not feeling. That's not to say that I have been stoic and unresponsive, it's just that the feelings do not seep into the innards of my soul. That's an over-dramatization, but in essence, yeah. Of course I am happy and sad and stressed and jubilant and upset and angry and excited and pensive, whatever it is that the occasion calls for, but it's as if my emotions are only mental. I am aware of them in my mind and my body and actions go along accordingly, but I don't really feel them, not in my heart. This is not to say that I have been putting up superficial facades, I most certainly mean all that I say and how I act, it's just that at the end of the day, it doesn't really leave an imprint, it doesn't feel true deep down.
I don't like it. I don't like this sense of apathy, for lack of better words, that seems to be taking over. I want to feel passion. Whether that be with love or hate, anger or happiness, I just want zeal in my life.
Come make me laugh, come make me cry...just make me feel alive.
Home
May be surrounded by a million people
I still feel all alone
I just wanna go home,
Oh, I miss you, you know
Another aeroplane, another sunny place
I'm lucky, I know
But I wanna go home, I've got to go home
Let me go home, I've had my run
Baby, I'm done
I gotta go home, let me go home
It will be alright, I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home
- Michael Buble, "Home"
I still feel all alone
I just wanna go home,
Oh, I miss you, you know
Another aeroplane, another sunny place
I'm lucky, I know
But I wanna go home, I've got to go home
Let me go home, I've had my run
Baby, I'm done
I gotta go home, let me go home
It will be alright, I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home
- Michael Buble, "Home"
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing
I was sitting, waiting, wishing
You believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning lovin' somebody don't make them love you
Must I always, always be waiting on you
Must I always be playing, playing your fool
I sang your songs, I danced your dance
I gave your friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn't worth never having you
Oh, maybe you've been through this before
But it's my first time, so please ignore
The next few lines, cause they're directed at you
I can't always be waiting, waiting on you
I can't always be playing, playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But it's not my scene
Want this plot to twist
I've had enough mystery
Keep building it up
Then shooting me down
But I'm already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting
Well if I was in your position
I'd put down all my ammunition
I'd wonder why it had taken me so long
But Lord knows I'm not you
And if I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waitin' on love ain't so easy to do
Must I always, always be waiting on you
Must I always be playing, playing your fool
No I can't always, always be waiting on you
I can't always be playing, playing your fool, fool
- Jack Johnson, "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing"
You believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning lovin' somebody don't make them love you
Must I always, always be waiting on you
Must I always be playing, playing your fool
I sang your songs, I danced your dance
I gave your friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn't worth never having you
Oh, maybe you've been through this before
But it's my first time, so please ignore
The next few lines, cause they're directed at you
I can't always be waiting, waiting on you
I can't always be playing, playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But it's not my scene
Want this plot to twist
I've had enough mystery
Keep building it up
Then shooting me down
But I'm already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting
Well if I was in your position
I'd put down all my ammunition
I'd wonder why it had taken me so long
But Lord knows I'm not you
And if I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waitin' on love ain't so easy to do
Must I always, always be waiting on you
Must I always be playing, playing your fool
No I can't always, always be waiting on you
I can't always be playing, playing your fool, fool
- Jack Johnson, "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing"
Feigning Affection
If you don't mean it, don't say it.
Now, I am not speaking of careless banter or simple conversation or inconsequential chatter, for Lord knows, I dole out my fair share of sarcastic and, granted, at times snarky remarks, but that is a separate ordeal. I am not referring to everyday, colloquial occurrences. Rather, I am speaking of words that are said when it comes to expressing affection. Whether it be in a deep friendship or casual association, if the sentiment isn't true, simply don't say it. The words may not necessarily be lies, but overuse of once considerate remarks leads only to the degradation of formerly meaningful expressions. Soon enough, articulating that you care for another, or even love them, becomes trite and insignificant. And that doesn't do any good for anyone.
So if you don't mean it, don't say it.
It really is that simple.
Now, I am not speaking of careless banter or simple conversation or inconsequential chatter, for Lord knows, I dole out my fair share of sarcastic and, granted, at times snarky remarks, but that is a separate ordeal. I am not referring to everyday, colloquial occurrences. Rather, I am speaking of words that are said when it comes to expressing affection. Whether it be in a deep friendship or casual association, if the sentiment isn't true, simply don't say it. The words may not necessarily be lies, but overuse of once considerate remarks leads only to the degradation of formerly meaningful expressions. Soon enough, articulating that you care for another, or even love them, becomes trite and insignificant. And that doesn't do any good for anyone.
So if you don't mean it, don't say it.
It really is that simple.
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