safe

Your words, they sounds so sweet
telling me terrible tales of truth
inviting me to believe, to partake
and I do.

Oh your honey-stricken words,
I could get lost in their smooth sounding songs, in your sighs

speak to me stranger, lover, friend -
I'm hanging on to every breath you breathe.
Take me, move me with your tales

even if they're not true
especially if they're not true

spin me those soft soothing whispers, surrender your mind and your musings
and don't fret darling
they're safe with me, beside me
we're safe here.

In Time

I've been selfish, I've been shrewd. I've been cold and short tempered. I've been dreaming of leaving everything behind, of running from it all - the good, the bad, the joy, the pain - all because it would make things easier for me. It would keep me from getting hurt, it would make life more manageable for me, it would give me more time to breathe and not be caught up in all of life's problems. Me, me, me, me.

I'm sorry.

I've been so caught up in this delusion of solitude, caught up in the aims of making my own life simpler, I failed to see just how selfish my mindset had become. Life's not about taking the easy way out; it's not about doing what makes it easiest for you. At least, that's not what I want my life to be about. I want to be able to help others find peace and happiness. I want the people that I love so dearly to feel that love, and to feel joy. I want to be willing to sacrifice my time, my efforts, my sanity, whatever it takes -- just in hopes that they will find what they are searching for.

I'm far from being the person I want to be. But I'm hoping that in time, I'll get there. It won't be easy. It will inevitably bring pain. But it will be worth it.

wishful breath

I wish for the mountains

for the crisp cool air
for the wind to wisp through my hair to sting my cheeks
to take me away to take me to another place
somewhere far somewhere new yet I know
it will feel like home.

And I will breathe in a new breath a new life and breathe out
this bitter cold

Doubt

It's just one of those days where I find myself doubting anything and everything. Even the things I hold most true, even the things I hold closest to my heart, even you.

I don't know why, I don't have any explanation - I just know I have a feeling of general discontent with everything I hear, I read, I know. And I can't quite decide if it is a feeling of the heart or one of the mind, if it is logic that is telling me to be doubtful or if it is my gut. I'm just unsettled.

And confused. Particularly concerning past decisions - whether I did the best thing in choosing this or sharing that; I just can't seem to determine whether I made the best choices. This is not to be mistaken with regret, I do not regret, I just can't help but wonder the age old question of "what if I had chosen/done/said ____ instead." These thoughts are just as pointless as regret, for nothing will change the outcome or the future that is to come, but yet...

I am generally sure of myself. I am generally confident in what I do, what I believe, what I choose. But yet I am unable to shake this doubt.

Lucid

I want to sleep forever and reside in my dreams
To frolic through a collage of different specticles and scenes
An escape from the insufferable, cruel world at large
I want to sleep forever

I want to sleep forever so I can live in my dreams
The ruler of the lands, the queen of all kings
With nothing to fear but the darkside of the conscience
I want to sleep forever

I want to sleep forever and fight my inner demons
Provide peace of mind for all bothered and exhausted
Float on utter bliss; those monsters, I'll never miss
I want to sleep forever

I want to sleep forever and never show sadness again
Bright, long-lasting smiles on weekly sullen days
Created and maintained in a variety of ways
I want to sleep forever

I want to sleep forever to erase everything
I want to sleep forever and feel warmth again
To bathe myself in content that won't ever end
Let me sleep forever

-Roberta Day, "Lucid"

Desert Places

Snow falling and night falling fast, oh, fast
In a field I looked into going past,
And the ground almost covered smooth in snow,
But a few weeds and stubble showing last.

The woods around it have it -- it is theirs.
All animals are smothered in their lairs.
I am too absent-spirited to count;
The loneliness includes me unawares.

And lonely as it is that loneliness
Will be more lonely ere it will be less --
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow
With no expression, nothing to express.

They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
Between stars -- on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer to home
To scare myself with my own desert places.

-Robert Frost, "Desert Place"

Nostalgia

Walking into a little shop by the name of "Country General Store," I was hit with a wave of pumpkin and cinnamon scents that sprouted from the candles littered about: it smelled like fall and winter. I was immediately taken back to feelings of home and of the holidays, and nostalgia hit me like a brick.

Overcome with reminiscence, I just stood there for a moment. I'd been so busy with school and work and life, I hadn't noticed how long it's been since I've been home and how long it will be until I go back. And then I realized just how much I miss it. I miss home and Ellie and especially my boys and especially my girls. There are so many wonderful, beautiful people that are so far away, I don't quite know what to do with myself. I guess there's not much I can do, but wait. So I'll be waiting for the holidays and the parties, for the fires and the chats, for the sweet reunions.

It's not often that I'm filled with such nostalgia, but when it does come around, it hits me hard. But all that's now left to say is, December, do hurry along and get here soon. There are so many I'd love to see and embrace. ♥

City Lights

I could really use a nice, long, night walk in the city. Downtown Seattle comes to mind, but that's just a dream. But what a wonderful dream it is... I can just imagine strolling the streets, wandering through Pike Place Market, gazing through the shop windows... ah, that sounds heavenly. I'm tired of this Southern California sun, this humidity, and this polluted air. I'm not saying that Seattle's much cleaner, but that bay air is just so nice. Riding on the ferry to Bainbridge Island or just meandering down Alki Beach, the breath of fresh air really is of fresh air. And when the rain falls, the whole world smells alive. And those lights, those bright city lights...I have no words to describe them. They simply beacon me home. I want to be lost on those streets, walking without an aim, just enjoying my own company. Or if you were there, too, that'd be grand -- I wouldn't mind a hand to hold. And we'd stroll in silence, just relishing in being alive.

Alone

It's at times like these that I wish I lived alone. Not because I have anything against my roommates, sometimes I just want to be alone. I want to be able to curl up on the couch and read a book or watch a movie in complete solitude. And especially on days and nights like these, I want to be able to just cry; cry without reservations and without questions. I want to be able to just let everything out and not have to deal with or face anyone. Because sometimes, I just need to be alone.

Forget Me Not

Over the weekend, Laura and I found a thrift store that had a ton of old post cards in several boxes. So being the curious and bored kids that we are, we leafed through them for a while. It was so amazing because a great deal of them were from the early 1900s! And also it really made us think. No one sends post cards any more. The things that were written on these cards ranged from "Just saying hi" to "Saw this and thought of you" to "The vacation is going great;" things that we would just text! I don't know, maybe it's really not that interesting, but I found it fascinating. And then I found this postcard.

As you can see, the front says "Forget me not." And then the note on the back says "Just a line to show you, you are not forgotten by the girl you can't forget."

If that is not the sweetest thing, I don't know what is. Just a simple, short, sweet love note. Too bad people don't do things like that anymore.

Give Thanks

We've all heard the saying "count your blessings," but I feel that many don't really consider it. It's one thing to just say it, but another to actually dwell on how many blessings you have in your life. I've just recently started making a little list on a note card at the end of the day of the things that I am thankful for from that day, and it's really helped put my life in a better perspective. We bitch and moan and complain about how this is wrong and how that needs to change, but when it really comes down to it...is your life really that bad? Do you really have that much to complain about? Or are you just being a little self-centered and need a reality check. I'm not saying that the problems we face in our lives are not hard to get through, but it's all about finding the silver lining. In the midst of all the toil and trouble, we need to look for the things that make it all manageable, the things - and especially the people - that make our burdens just a little bit lighter (or at least distract us from them). And give thanks for them. And never hesitate to tell them just how much they mean to you. Once this becomes habit, you will surely find life at least a little bit easier.

25 September 2011

Today was one of the best days that I've had in a really, really long time, maybe even ever. Laura (#2 best friend) came down for the weekend and after spending yesterday with the group in Hollywood, we took to the streets of Pomona for the day, just our little duo. We went to a tattoo parlor that I found online and Laura got her bellybutton pierced! But the amazing thing was that it happened to be located in an old-town area, that had faux cobblestone streets, and littered with antique shops. And it was marvelous.

I love looking through antiques, and browsing in thrift stores, because you can find so many little treasures. So we bought two disposable cameras and shot our whole day, documenting our store adventures and posing with random statues and fountains. The sun was shinning, but there was a cool breeze, and driving with the windows down, singing our hearts out brought out the most relaxed, peaceful feeling that I've ever felt. Our hearts and minds were light, we found so many treasures, and mingled with amazing people (and received life tips and got teased by a shop clerk).

Then we finished the day by going down to Huntington Beach. We stopped by various street vendors, saw a dog wearing sun glasses, listened to amazing bongo drum players, and walked down the pier.

These are some few words that I can write to describe this day. After such a long, stressful, anxious week, it was exactly what was needed. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to see sights like these, and especially to have Laura in my life. The way we became friends is so random and improbable, that you just know it was a Godsend. And for that I am so grateful.